Midlife Uncensored
Midlife Uncensored-Real Life Discussions from Over the Hillis the no-holds-barred podcast you didn’t know you needed. Hosted by Joel Poppert, aka Poppy—the friendly Sasquatch with an epic beard—and his fiery co-host, Emanuela Messineo, aka E, this show unapologetically dives into the chaos, comedy, and WTF moments of midlife. If you’re 35-55 and ready to embrace the rollercoaster of aging, this podcast is your new home base.
Poppy and E tackle everything from modern dating disasters in the hilarious sub-series The Love Laugh Lounge (the “festivus” of dating) to real-life shit like divorce, mental breakdowns, balding, sagging tits, and figuring out how to parent while still figuring yourself out and maybe dealing with an unhinged ex. With a blend of interview episodes and no-expert-needed banter (except when we bring on experts), these two cut through the BS and get real about midlife—no filters, no sugarcoating, just pure, unfiltered truth with a heavy dose of humor. Expect raw, relatable stories, unfiltered guidance, tough love, easy happiness, and a few episodes where the comedy comes from alcohol infused banter, because who give a fuck, right?
Whether you’re dealing with the joys of aging, trying to keep your sanity while raising kids, or attempting to find love in a sea of idiots, Midlife Uncensored has your back. Expect a few F-bombs, some belly laughs, and a whole lot of honesty as Poppy and E rip the band-aid off midlife and give you permission to thrive in this beautifully messy chapter. It's not just about surviving midlife—it's about unfucking it and owning it! This is your community; we are in it together!
Midlife Uncensored
Rethinking Love: One Size Never Fit All
In this episode of Midlife Uncensored, Poppy and E (aka "the Sausage Queen) dive headfirst into the evolving world of relationships and challenge the idea that love has to follow a predefined path. From navigating cuffing season to questioning the norms around marriage, monogamy, and cohabitation, this episode asks the bold question: What if traditional relationship models just don’t fit anymore?
Joel and E explore alternative approaches to love and commitment, discussing everything from living separately while staying connected, to the rise of open relationships, and the freedom that comes with creating your own relationship blueprint. Through candid conversations and personal anecdotes, they reveal why "one size never fit all" and how more couples are choosing to break away from the molds set by previous generations.
If you’ve ever felt that love, relationships, or commitment should be different than the conventional models we were taught, this episode is for you. Tune in for real talk, laughs, and plenty of "aha" moments as they rethink what love can look like—on your own terms.
Join the conversation, follow us on Instagram @midlifeuncensored, and send us your thoughts. We’d love to hear how you’re breaking the mold!
How to Engage with Us
- Email us at joel@owningalonepodcast.com
- DM us on Instagram midlifeuncensored
- Follow Joel on IG jpoppert
- Follow Emanuela on IG emanuela5683 or accountability_with_e
Thanks for joining the Owning Alone community, I certainly appreciate you!
All right, all right, all right. Welcome to another episode of Midlife Uncensored Real talk from over the hill. This is your favorite friendly Sasquatch with the epic beard game, Joel Poppert, aka Poppy, and my lovely co-host, Emanuela Messineo, also known as E in the Sausage Queen. Oh my God.
Speaker 2:That is going to be the nickname now. It's because she makes sausages.
Speaker 1:guys, Get your head out of the gutter. How are you doing? I mean, I'm good.
Speaker 2:How are you?
Speaker 1:You didn't slap me, so maybe that'll stick. I don't know.
Speaker 2:No, I think it's hysterical after the story I just told you.
Speaker 1:You do make good sausages, I don't have to say it.
Speaker 2:Good, I told you you do make good sausages, I don't have to say it. Good with the meats. I'm going to have to wear my new apron. I say this after we did the episode of Can Women Just Be Friends and everybody's like no they're totally fucking. No, I'm the sausage queen.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the sausage queen.
Speaker 2:She likes her meat that apron. I bought a new apron that says she likes her meat that apron. I bought a new apron. It says she likes her meat.
Speaker 1:I have an apron that says I'll cook for sex, which is true. You know what?
Speaker 2:We need to have a cook-off and get a good picture in our aprons.
Speaker 1:I need to get a Sasquatch costume.
Speaker 2:Chop, chop. I know, but I want to buy a cheap one.
Speaker 1:I want to really invest in this thing and I want it to have an epic beard game, so I need it to be custom.
Speaker 2:You better get on it so.
Speaker 1:I got to get a Sasquatch costume and then I got to go to the barber and have it shaved. It's going to make us millions. I'm going to do all these little skits.
Speaker 2:I wish you would have it for Halloween. Oh, you already have a thing for Halloween.
Speaker 1:I wish you would have it for Halloween. Oh, you already have a thing for Halloween Disco Dan's coming to Halloween party. Yeah, I like it.
Speaker 2:That's going to be fun, especially the glow-in-the-dark thing.
Speaker 1:Any excuse to either that or I could wear my cheerleading outfit.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, I think I need to see this.
Speaker 1:I haven't seen it, have I?
Speaker 2:seen that. I think you've showed me a picture. Yeah, I wore it. I've been debating putting on my dating profile.
Speaker 1:I mean, why not?
Speaker 2:I don't really have a dating profile right now. Do you want to give an update?
Speaker 1:on that, I know. Well, I was like do we want to go into dating? I know sometimes we don't. So I got bored and put myself on Facebook dating a couple weeks ago. Fucking goldmine, is it really? Well, I mean, there's a lot of people on facebook our age, so I think it's more in line with it, like people our age, but, um, yeah, I mean it was, I mean wouldn't say gold mine, but there's a lot of people on there. There's a lot of. There's a lot of not quality people on there, but there's also a lot of quality people.
Speaker 1:I think, um, I was overwhelmed so I kind of turned off and that's a lot for a man to say cause it's I can't imagine what women get on there. Um, it was free and I got bored cause I have a lot of time on my hands and uh, yeah, I haven't gone on any dates from it, though I just I put this pile of people in my thing and, um, um, one girl I tried to go out with and then her kid got sick or something and I I don't forgive that. So, uh, yeah, but other than that, no, I'm off the moth hinge. Uh, field wasn't really my jam. Um, I'm definitely realized that I'm not that person.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Um, so yeah, I'm just can I ask you, can I ask you a question when you delete it, do you just delete the app so you can like go right back in and like get right back into it, or do you like delete the whole thing and get off, like you have to start from scratch when you go back?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I delete the whole thing, cause then you just fuck with the algorithm. So it's always fun to start over when you do. I just don't feel like I'm you know. We've talked a little bit about this. I'm just feeling a little. There's a lot of other things going on in my life that are a little uncertain. So I'm dating has been. I'm not taking it very seriously right now, but, that being said, I'm you know I am dating.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:A little bit. I'm just not. I'm not rallying like I used to.
Speaker 2:I want to.
Speaker 1:It's overwhelming.
Speaker 2:We're hitting, are you?
Speaker 1:Puppying season.
Speaker 2:I know I'm like I want to just like find someone to ride out the rest of the year with I'm sure there's somebody out there looking for a sausage queen.
Speaker 1:It is always fun to be like someone to travel with.
Speaker 2:Like I've got a bunch of fun like trips and just like stuff coming up and I'm like gosh, this would just be so fun. I mean, I have fun on my own, but it I just it would be nice oh, it's super fun to be in a.
Speaker 1:It's super fun to be in the honeymoon period with somebody during the holiday season I was with a girl a couple years ago during christmas thanksgiving holiday. It was awesome. We made cookies together. We went to holiday parties. We crashed holiday parties we had sex with santa outfits on. That's not true, but like but you could.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we wore.
Speaker 1:Santa hats, I'm pretty sure we got down. But yeah, I mean, it was nice. It's a very festive loving time. Yeah well, I'm on the hunt.
Speaker 2:One's out, one's still in. I got a couple others on the horizon.
Speaker 1:So we'll see who we can fit. Yeah, I mean, you're a popular girl in those things.
Speaker 2:You're always talking about how they're. There's all these guys, flaky people. Well, I mean everybody on the dating app. Good lord, two birds fit karen's gonna tell us what's that?
Speaker 1:I know, um, I feel bad. I've only gone to one of her events that was tonight was the karaoke thing oh shoot, that's right. Yep, I forgot that was tonight um I think I'm gonna go to the halloween one, though I think disco dan's gonna. I'm going to get some run. What do you call it? Some use out of my Disco Dan Nice.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I like that. When is that one? I was thinking about maybe going to oh, it's next Thursday, Maybe I have something going on.
Speaker 1:My ex-wife found two birds fit through our podcast. Now I got to now fit through our podcast. Now I gotta. Now we have to coordinate. Oh, she's like, would that be weird? I'm like a little bit, you're gonna be your wing woman. Who's that girl that? Uh, you were talking over there. Oh, that's my ex wife hello mesa hi there's my hang on. There's my favorite bitch right there.
Speaker 2:She needs a treat hold please mesa, you're making too much noise yeah, next time I'll bring you sausage too, so you can be the other sausage queen.
Speaker 1:I got three sausages in the refrigerator.
Speaker 2:You're a good girl. Okay, I don't have any more right now.
Speaker 1:I made deer sausage last night.
Speaker 2:I don't have any more. You've come back later. Go on.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so dating Coughing season. We probably need to do a whole episode about coughing season.
Speaker 2:This isn't going to be the one. Yeah, I also want to, maybe on that one.
Speaker 1:We should just make dating profiles that say, hey, I just want to be with you for three months. Yeah, contractually. We end up falling in love with each other. But let's not set that expectation, but let's dive in like full on.
Speaker 2:I would like someone to come meet me in.
Speaker 1:Europe for the second half of my trip. What about? Why don't you just get some Italian stallions?
Speaker 2:No, no, italian.
Speaker 1:No, I've seen you at the Italian restaurant. The men love you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't.
Speaker 1:Yeah, italians aren't my style. Yeah, they're acquired taste. I was in, oh man, when I was in rome, I was like I don't even know there were so many beautiful women. I was like I am out of my element here. Um, it's sort of the same way. I feel like in new york like when I go to new york. There's all these beautiful women in new york, but I'm like I have nothing in common with them so I'm like, what do you say to these women?
Speaker 1:like, because I'm like I'm a wisconsin kid, I'm like, hey, how's it going?
Speaker 2:yeah what are you fucking talking to me for? Oh my god, that's funny.
Speaker 1:I don't feel like the women in rome women italian women are tough. In what way?
Speaker 2:tell me.
Speaker 1:I would like some awareness around this, uh yeah, I just stereotyped a whole group of women. Um, when I was in rome, I just felt like the italian women not in a bad way, by any means, they're just like, they're just, they're confident and they know how to get shit done and, um, I don't know, maybe it's like, maybe I'm gonna have to cut all this out because I'm totally stereotyping.
Speaker 2:Uh no, it's good you're saying things that are very nice, though yeah, I just felt like there was some.
Speaker 1:I was turned on by it. There was some, yeah, um, they were just like very confident, yeah, and beautiful I like it um romanian women. Is that what that was romanians?
Speaker 2:oh well, romanian is romanian women like from Romania.
Speaker 1:But what is happening, Mesa? Oh, she's eating.
Speaker 2:Oh, I was like what is she doing? Roman, it's Roman, not Romanian. Roman women. Roman women yeah From Rome.
Speaker 1:But can you hurry it up in there?
Speaker 2:Fat ass. Come on, she's done. Hey, don't you talk to her that way. Yeah, you're beautiful, just the way you are. Yeah, italian men, I don't know. No, it's just not my thing, not my jam. I love being in italy.
Speaker 1:I just, I don't know fair enough, so you want to take a man from denver yeah, I do I think you need maybe some german, some polish.
Speaker 2:I don't. I like the German sausage, polish sausage.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're flying into Munich. Why don't you just go grab a really rigid German man?
Speaker 2:Sounds good we did?
Speaker 1:We did sausage between three and five what I make my own buns.
Speaker 2:Oh, my God, I don't know.
Speaker 1:Shut up, is it good? You don't understand what.
Speaker 2:Do not excuse me.
Speaker 1:It's hot.
Speaker 2:No, no, I understand. I put it oh, I can't say that, we'll just speak in other languages that we don't understand each other Sounds good, yeah, so I think we should do one on cuffing season, an episode on cuffing season, but I also want to talk about holiday traditions and all the fun dates that you could do with the person that you cuff with. Is that what the term is?
Speaker 1:I just want to tell our listeners, our single listeners out there, that I am completely I am a Christmas party slut. I will be your, I will be your Christmas party whore. You can take me to all the Christmas parties because my company doesn't have one. And um, I will be fun, I will dance, I will make you look good in front of your boss, I'll drink the perfect amount and, yeah, I'll go down on you afterwards hell yeah, there you go and then we can make cookies together I mean, who wouldn't want that?
Speaker 1:you're gonna have a line of girls calling you up yeah, or messaging all five of our female listeners I know you're gonna get, you're gonna get. Yeah, I like it To beat them off the stick. That's good, that's what my mom used to say To beat them off of the stick. My mom thinks I'm handsome.
Speaker 2:What's well you are.
Speaker 1:Thank you, she's right, she is bright.
Speaker 2:All right. So what is it that we're talking about today?
Speaker 1:Oh wait.
Speaker 2:Before we do that, I'll remind you.
Speaker 1:You got an announcement.
Speaker 2:No, we need to ask people to like, follow, share, subscribe do all the things share with your friends. You guys should know this by now. We have the disclaimer.
Speaker 1:We're tracking you. Yeah, please share our podcast to all of your middle life friends and follow us on Instagram at midlifeuncensored yeah we need you to share.
Speaker 2:And if you are taking orders now, if you'd like to order E's sausages to eat while you're listening to our episodes, we're going to make that a thing too.
Speaker 1:And then seriously tell us what's going on in middle life, what's working, what's not working, what do you want us to talk about, and we'll address your problems anonymously on air or, if you think you're cool enough to come on, we're going to start interviewing people, which is part of the new rebrand. Take a little pressure off ourself and have some more diverse content. So that will start next week with Karen from two birds fit.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm lining up some other ones for the next month, so yeah, we, we need males too. Yeah, Maybe I should have. Maybe I should see if my brother and my other friend will, uh, come just like do a round table with you.
Speaker 1:And we need to love laugh lounge people too.
Speaker 2:So yeah, well, they're both taken so they won't have love, laugh lounge stuff, but maybe they could reminisce on old days.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there's plenty of single people. Yeah, find some people that got some fresh stories.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so if you are a male and want to be on the show, yeah, let us know, need more sausage also Joel needs friends yeah, joel needs friends. I'm actually I'm okay, but I do. I talk, or he wants friends. You don't need friends, you have lots of friends.
Speaker 1:I missed my opportunity. I didn't go anywhere on Sunday um I just did some stuff here I started a house project and, uh, you know, like everything, it didn't turn out the way I wanted to. Oh, whoops.
Speaker 2:Oh, look who's back. Hi, dear.
Speaker 1:So I wanted to get into. I just was having a really nice conversation with an old friend of mine today and we were talking about we just got to talking about relationships and which can be this isn't just dating and which can be. This isn't just dating. This is just uh. This is the discrepancy between, um, what we were told relationships should look like and how we should be in relationships and how they're supposed to be the fundamentals and all the rules and regulations of relationships that were passed down by our boomer parents to um to now. And then you know eventually, if you're lucky or you know, whatever you can, you realize that you can define what you want in a relationship, how you want a relationship to be um relationship, how you want a relationship to be um, either if you're single or with your person. Um Mesa, you're being so ridiculous right now. Go away, go away.
Speaker 2:She's fine, she's so cute right now.
Speaker 1:It's my fault.
Speaker 1:I'm giving her all the treats, okay, so so I guess the question is in this sort of I've thought a lot about this after getting divorced and, I guess, not wanting to have kids at this point in my life that I am having a failed marriage, and I think watching people struggle in their relationships and stuff is, I think a lot of people are trying to push a boulder uphill when it comes to sort of sticking to the traditional model versus redefining what relationships look like, and that can be anything from sleeping in separate rooms to going on separate vacations together to literally living in separate houses or spending less time together but quality time together or, um, even the people that are in like into like polygamy and em which used to be like you didn't even say that word when we were kids, but now it's like a thing and I've talked to people that are in that world and I've realized that, like some of them are out of some of them it's just a mental health issue and some of them are really pulling it off and they're just in love with multiple people, and so I just kind of wanted to sort of broach the topic of, yeah, just like the conform.
Speaker 2:Conforming to like the um, like the conform, conforming to like the um the ways that were kind of ingrained with us, in us, what a relationship should look like.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean just opening up the dialogue, I think, for our audience, about what is you know? First of all, I would ask any of you guys to write in after this Cause what would do follow-up stuff here is like what works for you and what doesn't work for you, you know, so that we can communicate.
Speaker 2:Yeah, especially if it's something that is maybe not um, a like quote unquote norm for a relationship. But what would you say is something that you feel like is a norm that you don't like, like that you want to kind of break for yourself.
Speaker 1:I think for sure, like like doing everything together, right, which sounds awful, right. But I think I love. I have a friend who's got two kids now they're younger than us but they're married. They finally got married. I think they never were going to get married. Then they had a couple kids together, but they've been together for like 16 and a long time. Well, they're in love and they're probably gonna be the other, but they've sort of they do. They allow themselves two weeks every year to go on separate vacations. So he really wine, so he usually goes on wine trips with his friends and he does vineyards in Italy and whatever, and then I forget what she likes, but they do vacations together and then they do vacations apart.
Speaker 1:Um, my part, my buddy and I were talking today like I I'm not sure I want to live with a woman again I like literally would buy a duplex so that we can sleep on separate sides. For a host of reasons, because I think when you live, that could change. But I think when you live with somebody, I think a lot of my relationship I think partly failed because we didn't live together very well. And you add COVID in there and two people working remote and my buddy and I were just talking about that today. It was like it's different than it used to be. It used to be that, you know, our parents, the man, for the most part the man would go to work, be gone all day and then come home. So there was all this time, or it could be, everybody went away, went to the office and, like you weren't together all day, separate time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you had separation it's like now.
Speaker 1:It's like husband and wife or girlfriend and boyfriend are in an office next to each other, they're in the same office or one's upstairs and one's downstairs and you're together all the time, right? And I know there's people out there listening that are probably like oh, that works great, we love it. Blah, blah, blah. But I'm just talking. I probably for most people. I think it's like it's too much right, like you left some people like leaving the dishes to later and some people want them cleaned up right away, and yeah, it's just a lot.
Speaker 2:So like if you are living together, especially if you have different habits that are kind of like a pet peeve for the other person. Um, I could see why that would be one option then, right, like where you spend the night together, you whatever you know, here and there, but you have separate places to live so you can do the dishes how you want to do them, you can be as messy or as clean as you want to be or whatever it is. So I could see that, um, uh, it's not for me.
Speaker 1:I want and I'm not necessarily saying I'm not necessarily saying I mean it does I do right now I'm in the mindset that works for me. But I think what I really want people to take the point away and I'm just giving an example is is that what works for you and your partner. Right In this, you have all the freedom in the world, regardless of all the noise, to to do things differently and, particularly if your relationship's not working, try different things. Right, like because it's okay to try different things.
Speaker 2:Um, okay, so, and I cause I feel like that is one that has come up regularly for you, so I kind of expected that one Um, what is there another one that you can think of? That? So, like for sure, I think, I guess, before we move on from that topic, though, having things that you do with your friends or having things you just do separately, I think is very healthy, and everyone has to find, like, what that um, I don't know what that balance is, I guess, for each relationship, what about? You've also talked about like um, Swapping wives with a neighbor Shut up.
Speaker 1:Only if she's hotter.
Speaker 2:Oh my God, Just kidding, shut up.
Speaker 1:Not until the fifth year at least.
Speaker 2:Oh my God, You're terrible. What about like just being able to even go out for like guys night, or just like having your own, your own like hobbies that you do on your own?
Speaker 1:I mean, that's another thing right well, I think you, I, I think that dynamic. So we see this dynamic all the time one person's the party animal and the other person's the home body, and I think that can work. But, um, we can't encourage this behavior with her I know I won't mesa go lay down go lay down go lay down. You're being disruptive, you're being a bad bitch but our tail is wagging. She's so happy she's so happy to see you.
Speaker 2:She's so happy. This is the happiest she's ever been. You're very lively tonight let's, let's take it.
Speaker 1:Let's take somebody whose love language is quality time right yeah um, how do you provide when there's kids and you're on top of each other all day? How does how do you create quality time? I get it, you're together. I mean, I struggled with this with my ex-wife is we were on top. I didn't know where the quality time was because we were just always together, right. And I think she yearned for quality time and I had a hard time. I was like we're together all the time, like you know, like that was a failure on my part. By the way, I recognize that I probably could have created that, but I'm.
Speaker 1:But if you, I think during the honeymoon period, you live in separate places, you do different things. You're still attached to your friends, right. The sex is good, but when you go, you will go on a date. You're there's quality time, right. You're committing to meet up with each other and spend quality time together. When you're in a relationship for a long time, I think the quality time just taking taking one language love language sort of gets lost. So how, how do we create that in a relationship where we're with each other all the fucking time? And that's where the vacations come in the separate vacations, sleeping in separate houses, sharing with the wife of the neighbor's wife.
Speaker 2:You know, like that sort of thing I think, um, I have the answer to this. Hold on a second how to create that. I have the answer to your question.
Speaker 1:I do. Of course, the sausage queen has the answer.
Speaker 2:I have the answer. I've put a lot of thought into this, especially in my attempts to date single dads that don't have any fricking time, um, or don't give me any of their time, at least Um. So I think in trying to figure this out, cause quality time is something that's very important to me. So that is like my, my, um Mesa's back, she's fine, she's not bothering me. Okay, I'll ignore her, she's not bothering me, I'll ignore her too. I don't have any more treats, it's ridiculous.
Speaker 2:Okay. So I think I've thought a lot about this because it's definitely my like. One of my top two, like love languages, is quality time. I mean, I think that's why, yeah, whatever, um.
Speaker 2:So I think the issue is quality time is not the same as quantity of time, and you know some people struggle trying to provide time because they don't have. They're spread thin right. What you're talking about is kind of the opposite and the opposite in, when you're spending that much time together, it's like well, my God, how could you want more time together? But time you're spending together if you're just living on top of each other and working on top of each other, you're doing separate things. You're not getting that connection Right. So it's about quality over quantity for me. So like I don't need a lot of time from someone, but I do need quality time also. Like something when you were talking earlier, um is probably where the saying like never stopped dating your significant other, your spouse I think that's where that comes from right, carving out time to have that quality time, to actually like go on a date.
Speaker 2:That's separate from like just the day-to-day when you're just a roommate. So she is so bothering you. She's like this is funny. This is the most Mesa's been out like all year.
Speaker 1:Yeah, this is a powerful treat. All right, keep going.
Speaker 2:High power treats. Yeah, high value treats. That's how I used to get Riley's attention. I know they're so good, aren't they? Oh my God, she's like Jones in for more.
Speaker 1:Do you want to say something on the podcast? Do you want? To talk about quality time, because you spend no quality time with me. But she's offering you quality time right now she spends zero quality time. You're sending her to the basement. No, she's offering you quality time.
Speaker 2:That's because I got the good treats. That's why I told you to give her one.
Speaker 1:That's why I like Layla. Layla busts the door open at 6 in the morning and lays with me.
Speaker 2:But she's obviously food motivated. That's why she comes to the Sausage Queen.
Speaker 1:Oh, I give her treats.
Speaker 2:But you don't give her good treats. Give her some of these.
Speaker 1:Someday, but now she's just going to bribe her.
Speaker 2:You got to bribe her, hi, sweet girl.
Speaker 1:Mesa. That's enough now.
Speaker 2:I think she's coming home with me.
Speaker 1:You can take her. She's funny, she's super hard to take care of. She sleeps 23 hours a day.
Speaker 2:Yeah right, that's funny. Um, so it's. I mean, you know, I think it's about having awareness around what you need, what the other person needs, and finding ways to give that to one another. And I think the biggest misconception around quality time is this difference between quality and quantity, and what does quality time really look like? Right, so you know, not having distractions and really just being able to spend that time with your other person and connect with them.
Speaker 1:Okay and I'll throw. So I think, first of all, I'm sure the people that listen to our podcast that have children are like what the fuck are you talking about? You're gonna live in separate homes and there isn't an extra bedroom, and blah, blah, blah. And there is no time, right? Um, and I get that. That sounds crazy to me, but I cause. It's not my world, my, my conversation today.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Okay, I was like I don't know exactly what you're talking about, but what with people, with kids, and what were you saying?
Speaker 1:Well, I mean, I started with this with like non-conventional stuff, right, like so I have to put myself in the shoes of people that, for all intents and purposes, they have to live together.
Speaker 2:It's not like you're going to live in.
Speaker 1:It's not like you're going to be married with kids and live in separate houses.
Speaker 1:No, but there are people that you could, though I'm not saying you can't no-transcript regards, because I think you have a desire still to like have you've told me this to like have a family of some sort, and with a guy that has children. I'm not sure where I'm at in that regard, um, and if I was, I I don't know what. I'm open to it, but not being a father, not being a father, not like being that you don't want to be, like you're not adopting a child or I don't want the responsibility of like.
Speaker 1:I don't want to take on somebody else's family. I can. There's a lot of roles I can play in that situation, but I'm not quite sure.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I could be convinced otherwise. I don't want to be. I think sometimes on this podcast I come off as pretty rigid, but I'm just speaking where I'm at at any given time, like I'm always growing to at the same time. Um.
Speaker 2:I think it's fantastic. I mean you know yourself and you're allowed to have whatever opinion or desire for your life, that you want and it doesn't need. It doesn't necessarily mean that other people that are doing it differently are right or wrong, or you know, it's just. Everyone can have different preferences, so you shouldn't apologize for any of that.
Speaker 2:Um but, I, think it's good that you I think it's honestly really cool that you know these things about yourself, and also that you're. You do still keep trying different things, though, too, so you are remaining a little bit open-minded to things that maybe don't fit in that.
Speaker 1:but but I should define the way that I speak, particularly on this podcast, is I tend to try to I think it's my. I think I do this in real life too is an accentuation of the point I'm trying to make, which I'm not even quite sure I'm making the point, but the point is that, fundamentally, I believe that two people that want to be together get to make their own equation right and and we get to ignore our parents and our grandparents and our aunts and uncles and our friends and all their relationships and what works for them, and a lot of times it doesn't work Right.
Speaker 1:So a lot of people live in this world where, like, their relationships are actually working when they're not right, we hold on until the end, until we get divorced, right? Like nobody would have known Lauren and I were going to get divorced, except for, maybe, people that were super close to us, but it was still a surprise to them. So you never really know whether people's relationships are working. You just don't. And this conversation is about. I think, if you take anything away from this conversation is about being vulnerable enough with your person, or the person you're dating or you're trying to develop a relationship, or the person you've been married to for 15 years to say, hey, man, this isn't working. It's okay for us to like throw things on the table and discuss them without being banished for it, right, I think that's very hard.
Speaker 2:I think what you're describing. I completely agree that that is something that should happen. I think that's very hard. I think what you're describing. I completely agree that that is something that should happen. I think it's also um a really difficult thing to do, especially if you're married and um kind of like if your lives are intertwined and at some point you realize that a significant piece of the dynamic you have doesn't work for you. How do you say, hey, I don't actually want to live with you. Like say you're living with someone and then all of a sudden it's like you know this isn't working and it's like I want, I don't want to live with you anymore, I want us to have separate homes. Like that might not work for the other person and which might not work for either person.
Speaker 2:Right and so, but my point is to be that vulnerable and like open to that conversation. I think it just takes a lot of guts to do that, aside from the fact of like it might not be conforming. I completely agree with you, though, that you should have that comfort and you should feel empowered to create whatever dynamic works for you in your relationship, as long as you two are being like honest and respectful of one another. I don't there's no one like do whatever the fuck you want to do, like it's your lives, it's your relationship, your relationship, just be honest and be respectful with each other and have those conversations, do whatever that is.
Speaker 2:I mean like even just I don't know just like open relationships and whatever. Have your parameters. If it works for you, great. If it doesn't, you know, have the courage to bring that up, even if that means that may be the end of that relationship. That's scary.
Speaker 1:So, right.
Speaker 2:So like this is you know, go ahead. What were you gonna?
Speaker 1:say Part of the. So another reason I am bringing this up is I heard a story about a couple that's been together since college, yeah, and I guess rumor has it that their neighbors that their neighbors or somebody is I think they're swinging or something or doing some hot wife type stuff, right, and it got into the head of it, got into the head of somebody else, the relationship and it got God there's so many noises, that's okay Got into the head of somebody else, the relationship, and it got um.
Speaker 1:God, there's so many noises that's okay got into the head of somebody else and then it got brought up at table at the dinner table or something and like now there's this conversation about like hall passes and I think nine out of ten people our age would be like that our relationships would be like are you fucking kidding me? Like you don't do that. That'll ruin your relationship. But I've peeked behind the curtain of this world and I actually think one. I think there's more people. It's like cocaine when you realize that everybody's doing cocaine around you. If, like, you can now see it right when you're younger and I hope my mom doesn't listen to this, but yeah, people do cocaine still- I just got to keep dropping this shit.
Speaker 1:I'm just going to ruin it.
Speaker 2:Are you going to edit half of this stuff out? I hope you don't. No, I'm not editing this.
Speaker 1:I don't really give a shit, but it's the same thing. You realize that people are swinging Again. I'm not advocating for any of this stuff. I just think that, like I'm not convinced that I'm not going down that road, god, I just I do want to say single forever, don't I? I am going to say it. I am not convinced that monogamy is natural.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I'm not saying that I'm not a monogamous person when I fall in love with somebody, but I'm I'm not saying I think that relationships are more born on security, love, a different type, like love, like in, like love and nurturing and building a family and taking care of each other. This is why, you see, like the sexual stuff like starts to fall apart, all the things, there's this, there's a a lot of. There's very few people that figured out the equation to keep it going, you know, to keep the romance and all that going. Eventually it just becomes familiarity, which there is real power in familiarity. I miss the familiarity of my, my marriage and my past relationships.
Speaker 1:Being single, I'm like that's hard to find. Finding somebody that you want to spend that much time with, to live with, and all that stuff is tough. Maintaining a healthy relationship with somebody is super hard.
Speaker 1:I mean, if you throw kids in the middle and stuff there becomes like there becomes this beautiful side of a relationship but there also becomes this now you're just running on fucking survival mode when you throw kids into it and you're not even the relationship now is like I don't know what the right word is family oriented, and I think a lot of people lose the romance part and you start to get into middle age, your kids are grown or your relationship is older and you start to like, hey, man, like this isn't working, but this is working. And again, if you take anything out of this episode, it's okay to create a safe space to have these conversations, but that's not happening.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think most people are just doing their best and sometimes you end up making decisions to like get married and then you have kids or you whatever, and then you wake up one day and you're like, oh fuck, what did I do? Like did I really want this, or did I really choose the right person, or did I Whatever, I don't know. Like I imagine that at some point it's like I'm stuck Right and so you're making the best with what you have, um, and so just kind of figure that. I mean I think you know, if I'm looking back at what we've talked about tonight, it takes a lot of awareness and growth in yourself to know what it is that you need in a relationship, um, to keep things going, and that just comes with time and age.
Speaker 2:I mean, I certainly am much more aware of what I need and what I want in a relationship today than even a year ago or let alone 20 years ago. If I'd gotten married back then and had kids, like I don't think I could possibly you know, probably voice some of the things Cause, like looking back at who I would have chosen back then, they would like it's night and day from what I would choose today, you know. So I think you then have to decide like do I want to unravel my whole life so that I can get what I want, or am I going to make the best of it and maybe just do some things that sleep with the neighbor? I don't know.
Speaker 1:To make to mandate it. I'm literally like I have a design for a duplex for couples.
Speaker 2:Oh, my God.
Speaker 1:So my ex-wife and I used to talk about this all the time With like a door in between or something. Like an adjoining door. Yeah, a party door.
Speaker 2:Okay, cool Party wall, like you turn the light on and it's like game on, or and you turn the light on and it's like game on or.
Speaker 1:And it's not about like Like red light, green light, being secretive and like, yeah, putting a tie on the door. It's not about that. It's about like you've got two TVs, you've got two offices, you've got separate, you've got boundaries and I think probably this, probably what this all comes down to, is boundaries, right, and I think boundaries aren't. Boundaries are really hard to establish, maintain and respect in the chaos of a relationship. And imagine if you throw kids in the middle like this, it becomes really hard. It becomes hard to communicate them. You know, you're running as far as I've seen again like I don't have kids, so I don't know. But you know, the reality is being busy, is being busy and having no time. All of this stuff is very difficult. So like maybe if you had, if you lived in again, I'm just saying examples, but like lauren and I used to, didn't used to talk about this in a normal way, I thought that was. We never did it. Because I think I fundamentally, I fundamentally was like the very traditional. I was like no, we do this, you never do that, blah, blah. And I look back at it and I'm like if we would have like taken. You know, I don't know, Like, if we would have. We talked about co-parenting, we talked about this and that and like, and I've talked about with other women too.
Speaker 1:I've always been very open-minded. I've never been able to make sense of it, but like there are no rules. There are no rules to life. There are no. Everybody lives in absolutism these days. You know that. You know all the different religions and all the different ways and all the ways we're supposed to do this and that. But like the reality is like we're all like fingerprints, we're all different and and all the ways we were supposed to do this and that. But like the reality is like we're all like fingerprints. We're all different and we all have different needs. And I think that people are starting to. The encouraging thing I see particularly of younger people now and they definitely don't have it figured out, but the trying things is they're breaking their traditional patterns and trying different types of relationships and different structures of relationships.
Speaker 2:And what do you think is like the normal? What are you seeing there, Like? What are some of those variations that you think are the next generations more open to?
Speaker 1:I read an interesting statistic today. So a lot of the Norwegian countries um have the highest statistically the highest amount of, let's say, people that aren't married. I don't think they're single, but people don't there's there must not. I don't live in these countries. I have to ask my danish friends um, aaron and maria, but and they finally got married here in the states.
Speaker 1:But there were, I think there are legal reasons, but I think people in those countries don't, they're not pressured to get legally defined, so they tend to be happy and healthier relationships and they're doing. They've taken a different approach to relationships where here we're told you get married, you have kids, you move in with each other, blah, blah, blah, this and that, and like clearly it doesn't work super well here because yes, there's a huge, there's a pretty significant divorce rate and there's just there's a lot of people that are unhappy married and I am in unhappy relationships where I'm not saying that they should separate, because I think being single and alone is also its own form of unhappiness sometimes, but like I just think we can do better and I think communication is the key, and I don't like that. We're just told what to do and this is how it is. I don't like the absolutism in this country in a lot of, for a lot of different reasons why do you think our culture um lot of for?
Speaker 1:a lot of different reasons. Why do you think our culture um encourages marriage so much? I think our elders forget the things that didn't work and as people get older, we become more absolute in our convictions and our ideas and then we try to push those on younger people. It's very easy for us to say wow when I get it that you feel that way now, at this age like I had to do it, but I had to but you know, like when you get to our age it's gonna make sense to you and I would say about 50 of that is true.
Speaker 1:50 of the things we tell younger people is fucking certainly gonna happen to them. Um, and we talk about those things on this podcast, like sleep is harder as you get older and your body's going to get creaky and blah, blah, blah. But there's all these things our parents told us that did fuck, didn't come true or wasn't true or we didn't have to follow. And there's no Ron and them doing that to us. But like, because that's this human nature, but like it's okay to like question, it's okay to like not follow that path, particularly nowadays. I think we're getting smarter about it. The goal is to be happy with your partner and to maintain a healthy relationship. However, that fucking works.
Speaker 2:I mean there's also a big economy here around marriage and divorce. So I mean just like and war I mean, yeah, war like just I was gonna say just like there is with nutrition and health and in health insurance and medical industry and pharmaceuticals. So you know, you know, like, what do you think are? I mean, I feel like there's a lot of times that we talk about some of the negative sides of things. What do you think are some of the positives of marriage?
Speaker 1:Why? You gotta ask me that.
Speaker 1:I don't know, because you were married I miss having somebody around all the time that I cared about and wanted to be with. I miss that, even though there was fighting and turmoil and stuff. I definitely miss it. Um, I miss there's something to be said to building something with somebody and understanding somebody. That much, um, which is why I'm really pushing this conversation, is because I think if I could go back in time, being as wise as you are in your 40s, like maybe I would have approached my relationships in the past differently and been able to actually build something that lasted the rest of my life and I, my next relationship, I promise the next person I commit to there's going to be open communication and like in it it's not.
Speaker 1:I know I sound very rigid on the podcast I'm going to live with you and blah blah. It's just like I want our relationship to be special and secure and I want there to be security and love and romance and all the things and familiarity, and like I want it to work. And so I don't want to go in with the pre-prescribed sort of menu or like recipe that was passed down from generation to duration, that which is really based off of Western cultures, it's really based off of survival and it's based off of financial and it's based off of an old. We're the last generation I think that saw the back end, the last end of sort of the World War II generation, the survival.
Speaker 1:Our parents were raised by the Depression era. You know they had all these kids post-World War II Like that's not the world that kids now are growing up in. It's expensive inflation. It's different. It's women now are empowered and have all the skills or all the opportunities now to be successful in Western civilizations. Um, the equations change, the dynamics have changed and now it's about now. It's about really choosing your partner and making a life with them. That's not. It's just not the same. It's not the same. We're not playing on the same playground anymore. I guess is what I'm trying to say.
Speaker 2:It's different.
Speaker 1:It needs to be addressed differently.
Speaker 2:Maybe marriage gives a little bit of a false sense of security to some people. I think, as I listen to a lot of conversations of people who are married or were married or you know, whatever all this, the spectrum of wherever people are it seems to me like things can kind of go sideways. But once you're married it's like, oh, I have this security, Like they're not going to leave me, they're not going to divorce me or whatever, and so maybe there's a little bit of this like false sense of security and you push the limit a little bit too. So I think having that open dialogue that you're talking about and really making sure that you're staying committed to growing the relationship and making sure people that you're both getting what you need is important.
Speaker 1:So I have a question for you Do you think we should make it? I don't know how, I don't even know how I would answer this, but I'm going to ask it to you Do you think we should make it easy to leave a relationship? Do you think it should be easy to relieve a relationship so that you're constantly waking up and choosing your person? Because I think the model, the traditional model, is to make it very difficult to leave a relationship period, like getting divorced, uncoupling children, all that stuff. Like do you think that relationships should build off the not leaving like hey, see, uh, good luck with the kids. But like moving down the street and co-parenting or just leaving a relationship If there's no kids? Like do you think it should be? Would you prefer to be in a situation where, at any given time, you can choose to leave your relationship if you want to, without the burden of?
Speaker 2:you have that now, if you just don't get married or live together.
Speaker 1:No, there's plenty of people that don't get married that are still very coupled together. They're very tied together.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but you're asking me about making it difficult to leave, and I'm saying the only time it's really difficult is if you're like living together, sharing finances, married. Those are the times it's more difficult. And even if you are married and you both agree that it's not for you, it can be very easily undone.
Speaker 1:But well, getting married undoing a marriage is, or illegally is difficult, it's time consuming, it's difficult. I think what I'm saying is like if you didn't get married and you one person owned the house maybe somebody owns a different investment property and you kept your finances, you just shared my ex-wife and I did this we like had a joint account and then we had our own separate. Yeah, so when we got divorced, it wasn't terribly difficult. But, like the fundamental question I'm not advocating for one side or the other I think there is some value into. If you're going to commit to somebody, commit to them, right, like I think there is some value there.
Speaker 2:I mean, I think there's some, I think there's pros and cons to any way you approach it, and I certainly think, though, that, um, it is important to wake up every day and make that choice to be there. I don't know, I don't know what the answer is.
Speaker 1:Again, everybody has their own individual equation. I guess my question was just like do you, Is that a path? I don't know what I'm trying to say.
Speaker 2:No, it's, I don't necessarily think that's good for me either.
Speaker 1:I do think that being tied together and committed to each other physically, mentally and all the things probably keeps you together during the hard times, and I think there is some value to that, because otherwise you're just like it's too easy to just walk away with.
Speaker 2:It gets tough. I mean, I think that's the. You know, that's the other side of it, right? I think part of marriage piece of it is you're making this commitment to to stick around through tough times and so you're only going to unravel that if it's really bad and you can't reconcile. Um, in my opinion, you know. So I think you at least are making an attempt to work through that, versus just walking away when it when push comes to shove. So I think there's pros and cons to all of the ways that you could do it. Or you could also like stay, you know, live separately and just date each other, and maybe that works. So I think you know. Going back to your initial point, is what works for you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like you know so. I always have some awareness around that, or try to pay attention and discover what it is that you need. That's what I've been trying to do, because certainly what I have picked in the past hasn't really worked for me, and so I'm trying to really pay attention to what it is that I need so that I can recognize that in people as I'm meeting them or dating them. You know, number one on the list is you have to like sausages. I'm just kidding.
Speaker 1:Well, that's number one on my list.
Speaker 2:Yeah right.
Speaker 1:Love. My sausage is yeah.
Speaker 1:I mean part of the reason I asked the question, I guess, was just I do think I think there's a pro to being intertwined with your partner so that you weather the hard stuff, but I think there's a lot of people out there that don't leave their relationship because they are so intertwined with each other. And that's another thing to monitor in your relationship is dynamics, financial dynamics, like inequality in a relationship is a problem, and so monitor that. And inequality doesn't just mean money, it's all the things, um. And again, going back to the basis of all this, it's all about communication.
Speaker 1:We have the luxury that we're both single and we get to start with, uh, we get to start um with communication, and some of y'all aren't, and maybe you're super happy or maybe you're not, but maybe it triggered hopefully it triggered um, you know you to think about. You know what? What are you struggling with? What are your love languages? What are the things? And just talk to your partner, um struggling with, what are your love languages, what are the things? And just talk to your partner, um, and maybe we can be motivated to make things just a little bit better. And if you completely disagree with us, that's great. Fucking slip into our dms and yell at us and tell us why so that?
Speaker 2:we can address it on the next episode.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because until you tell us otherwise, we're right.
Speaker 2:So have we solved all the problems.
Speaker 1:Have we solved all the problems?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think so.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think we are, but we, so we got to it depends, so we got to do the game.
Speaker 2:How do you know? You know you're over the hill when.
Speaker 1:Oh, I have to go first. It depends, I didn't even think about this. When you have?
Speaker 2:to get depends.
Speaker 1:When you have to get depends.
Speaker 2:I don't mean just because I just said that word, I was like, oh well, that's a good segue.
Speaker 1:You know you're over the hill when you were at the bar at 9 o'clock and you're worried about how late you're going to go to bed.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I know.
Speaker 1:I was just thinking about that the other day.
Speaker 2:It's always about sleep with me. Oh my gosh. Actually I wrote one down because I knew I would forget.
Speaker 1:You know you're over the hill when?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'll tell you when you get carded at the bar and you get really excited by that.
Speaker 1:When your doctor solves all your problems by telling you you should get Dr Scholl's.
Speaker 2:Oh gosh, I thought about that too.
Speaker 1:I'm at the Dr Scholl stage of my fucking career, oh my gosh, at least with my dress shoes, or just not wearing dress shoes at all. What was the other one Remember? Oh, do you remember when? Yeah, do you remember?
Speaker 2:when? Yeah, do you remember when Well, I think that's also a sign of you know you're over the hill is when you use that comment. Do you remember when? When I was young.
Speaker 1:I saw a skit today where it was a bunch of military people asking like what year people that are old were born and not even one of them got close to 1980. That made me feel old. They were saying like 86, 92, blah, blah, blah, Even like the commanders and stuff. I'm like what the fuck? Are we Not that? We're not that old. No, we're not that old?
Speaker 2:Um, I think it mostly right now this week. Yeah, I was trying to think of what happened to me this week that made me feel old. It typically has to do with sleep, going to bed too late, taking a red eye and then getting worried that I was going to get sick from it. So I was like double dosing on all my vitamins and stuff, because if I disrupt my sleep recipe for me to get sick.
Speaker 1:I woke up at 4.30 this morning, dude, I was up at 2 for me to get sick. I woke up at four 30 this morning.
Speaker 2:Dude, I was up at two. Two from two to four. I fell asleep when you woke up.
Speaker 1:So I have one more story, cause I don't want to forget to tell this story. Um, so, when I was a kid, my dad's friend Didion he lived on the river, which I thought was cool. Um, he had a DeLorean, which is the back of the future car, right, oh yeah. So when I was a kid, I was like I used to tell my friends. I was like my dad's friend has the fucking back to the future car and there's only like three of them in the whole world and he must have paid like a million dollars for it. He probably got it for like 500 bucks, I don't know, but, like, like delorean's weren't that popular, they were shitty cars. Um, but I was so fascinated that my dad's friend I mean, it looked like the back of the future car. It was a brand new mint condition. I don't know how he got it. He's probably still alive, probably still has it. Um, anyway, remember when.
Speaker 1:So with that, uh, remember to follow us on instagram at midlifeuncensored, and we want to hear from you. Slip into our DMs, Tell us why we're right or wrong. All you single ladies out there cuffing season's coming up, line them up, let's go. I want to make cookies with somebody. Snuggle, snuggle, alright, bye, bye.
