Midlife Uncensored
Midlife Uncensored-Real Life Discussions from Over the Hillis the no-holds-barred podcast you didn’t know you needed. Hosted by Joel Poppert, aka Poppy—the friendly Sasquatch with an epic beard—and his fiery co-host, Emanuela Messineo, aka E, this show unapologetically dives into the chaos, comedy, and WTF moments of midlife. If you’re 35-55 and ready to embrace the rollercoaster of aging, this podcast is your new home base.
Poppy and E tackle everything from modern dating disasters in the hilarious sub-series The Love Laugh Lounge (the “festivus” of dating) to real-life shit like divorce, mental breakdowns, balding, sagging tits, and figuring out how to parent while still figuring yourself out and maybe dealing with an unhinged ex. With a blend of interview episodes and no-expert-needed banter (except when we bring on experts), these two cut through the BS and get real about midlife—no filters, no sugarcoating, just pure, unfiltered truth with a heavy dose of humor. Expect raw, relatable stories, unfiltered guidance, tough love, easy happiness, and a few episodes where the comedy comes from alcohol infused banter, because who give a fuck, right?
Whether you’re dealing with the joys of aging, trying to keep your sanity while raising kids, or attempting to find love in a sea of idiots, Midlife Uncensored has your back. Expect a few F-bombs, some belly laughs, and a whole lot of honesty as Poppy and E rip the band-aid off midlife and give you permission to thrive in this beautifully messy chapter. It's not just about surviving midlife—it's about unfucking it and owning it! This is your community; we are in it together!
Midlife Uncensored
Insecurities Part I: How They Impact and Play a Role in our Lives and Relationships
Can insecurities really shape our lives to the extent that they determine our mental health, relationships, and even career paths? Join us as we confront this provocative question head-on in our three-episode series on insecurities and their profound effects. We kick things off by acknowledging that everyone, from the seemingly confident to the openly vulnerable, battles with insecurities. From the fear of abandonment rooted in childhood to appearance-related worries amplified by social media, we dig deep into how these insecurities can spiral into anxiety, depression, and self-isolation, revealing the importance of awareness and identification as the first steps toward healing.
In the next phase, we examine the ripple effects of unresolved insecurities on sleep, eating habits, and even substance abuse. Hear personal stories that reveal how anxiety serves as an alarm for deeper issues that often go unnoticed. We journey through the importance of self-awareness in breaking negative cycles and improving relationships, stressing the necessity of inner work beyond temporary fixes like medication. You'll learn practical steps to start the process of self-improvement, from reflective writing and self-assessment to seeking professional help, all aimed at fostering long-term mental health and well-being.
Finally, we tackle the societal pressures that force many to project an unfaltering façade, especially among men, leading to ego-driven behaviors and damaged relationships. Discover the value of being true to oneself and the power of supportive relationships in overcoming these personal battles. As we explore the impact of insecurities on various aspects of life, including dating, career, and academic performance, we underscore the significance of embracing our emotions and accepting that it’s okay not to be okay. Tune in for practical advice on self-reflection, growth, and the journey toward authentic living. Don't forget to share, subscribe, and join the conversation on social media for continual support and updates.
How to Engage with Us
- Email us at joel@owningalonepodcast.com
- DM us on Instagram midlifeuncensored
- Follow Joel on IG jpoppert
- Follow Emanuela on IG emanuela5683 or accountability_with_e
Thanks for joining the Owning Alone community, I certainly appreciate you!
All right, all right, all right. Welcome back to another episode of the Only Alone Podcast. It's your favorite friendly Sasquatch Poppy and Emanuela Mecaneo, also known as E. It is a beautiful Friday morning, a little overcast, but we'll take it here. In Colorado, Came with lower temperatures and a lot of rain. Last night, the monsoon actually hit us. Today we're going to be embarking on a three-episode series on insecurities. Today we'll be starting with insecurities and how they impact and play a role in our lives and relationships, and then building from there play a role in our lives and relationships and then building from there. Next week we're going to get into understanding and facing our insecurities through self-awareness and emotional EQ, and then we'll move on to living with our insecurities and or overcoming them for the grand finale.
Speaker 1:So, Emanuela, good morning morning it is nine in the morning we, usually we do this in the evenings, but we're uh, we're busy ass people, so we're uh slipping in. There are two dogs in my house, so I will apologize up front for the inevitable disruption. Yeah, um, but yeah how you doing.
Speaker 2:back from boston again. Good, yeah, back from Boston, I'm doing good. I got in Wednesday night late and headed up to the mountains for the weekend, so it's good to see you and ready to do some podcasting.
Speaker 1:Nice, yeah, nothing too exciting in my life. I did some rafting. On Wednesday I took a personal day and camped on Tuesday night and my friend Bob owns Atomic Bob's Burgers and Golden takes his employees down every year.
Speaker 1:So I paddle guided a boat for him and took some young folks down the river. That was fun. So yeah, I mean we got a lot to address even with the first phase of this topic, so let's just jump in Again. The topic for today, part one, is insecurities and how they impact our life and our relationships, and I thought we'd start a little bit with let's start with how I guess just textbook how insecurities impact people's life on a more clinical level. I think everybody I'm sure you'd agree has insecurities. They manifest themselves, I think, in individuals very differently and go undiscovered and without awareness. We're subject to our insecurities and how they impact our life, both physically and mentally. So do you have any thoughts on that?
Speaker 2:Oh, I think we're gonna get into like the awareness part of it in our next episode. But I think obviously having awareness around things is really important to be able to identify the insecurities. I think, how it manifests. I mean it can really control or cripple you in your life and relationships if you don't have that like understanding of yourself. And obviously insecurities can be like external things or internal, so it could be looks related, something more external versus maybe something more internal of needing some kind of validation or fear, like I think a lot of it is. When I was writing like notes about this, I think it's all rooted in fears that we have right, like fears of like abandonment or just to think of as an example, and so then we have insecurities that we're fearful that someone's going to leave us because of X, y, z, so if you feel inferior for I think the two kind of go hand in hand- so some are rooted in our childhood.
Speaker 1:But I think, in terms of how people that live with their insecurities and don't have awareness around them, and how debilitating it is. I mean the mental health aspects are. These are pretty much almost always a root of anxiety and depression low self-esteem, handicapped or social handicap, pulling back from our friends and family.
Speaker 1:And then there's the medical end of it self-medicating and in terms of some of the ways that I think that it's impacted my mental health over the years, with some of my more deep insecurities and particularly when I didn't have anxiety or when I didn't have awareness around them. And my insecurities still do play a role I guess a negative role in my life. But one of my major responses to my insecurities is social isolation and anxiety and pulling back right, Pulling back from whatever like challenging myself. And then I've been an entrepreneur for 20 years, so one of my insecurities has always been, I guess, what you'd call imposter syndrome, or there's definitely been times where I've had very significant financial anxiety and financial insecurity and these things play a role.
Speaker 1:And then we've got social media, where people are subject to social media and keeping up with the Joneses and what you should look like and what you should wear, and what your boyfriend or girlfriend should be like, and what car you should drive and how people should treat you, and blah, blah, blah and it's overwhelming, yeah, and it's so overwhelming that I think obviously the end of the spectrum, the most end negative spectrum, is suicide Right. Our thoughts of suicide, and then the lower end of the insecurities can manifest in the relationships.
Speaker 2:but there's also some of these are clues that, if you are paying attention, that will help you discover what the insecurities are as well.
Speaker 2:So if we talk, but then also what you have is if you let these things go untreated and ignore them, they do control your life.
Speaker 2:And I think when you're talking about like an extreme, like suicide, I think that is the result of hiding it, right, like bottling it up or not feeling like you know how to overcome it, like feeling trapped.
Speaker 2:That would be my like assessment of that. So I think, like there are so many layers of insecurities, right, it's like how does it make you feel, how does it make you act in a relationship? And then like also and that's even assuming you want to even identify it or do something about it, because I think the other thing you have is the word narcissism is thrown around a lot these days, true, but if you actually look into that, there's people that everything is a spectrum, right, so like insecurities can impact and control you in such a big spectrum, some things are little, some things are bigger, and certainly the outcome or the impact it can have over your life also has a spectrum, and you said just one would be like suicide is that, or it might be that it's like hindering you from finding a good relationship, romantic relationship, so it can show itself in so many different ways, and those are all going to be on a spectrum too.
Speaker 1:I think it's worthwhile because I did write this list down so people understand, without the awareness, so that when we go through this series that people understand that these are the results of our insecurities and the mental health aspects of it, so that when we start so, when they think you know if I'm an anxious person, maybe there's what are my insecurities. But instead I won't read all the descriptions, but in terms of how insecurities impact our mental health. Anxiety and depression, of course, low self-esteem, social and obsessive behaviors are all mental health aspects of a lack of awareness around our insecurities or addressing them. There's also physical health aspects of our insecurities stress-related illnesses like high blood pressure, heart disease and weakened immune functions, believe it or not. Certainly, sleep disorders. I don't know if you've ever had those nights where your anxiety or something's bothering you and you just can't get it out of your head. Well, there's certainly people that are so subject to their insecurities that they have problems like insomnia and that just ripples across your whole life.
Speaker 1:Right, your mental health, your physical health, eating disorders especially related your mental health, your physical health. Eating disorders, especially related to body image, can result in unhealthy eating patterns and then substance abuse. Right, like trying not addressing our insecurities and trying to drown ourselves out of them. And then behavioral and lifestyle impacts are the third impact Reduced physical activity, like I said just also, like you know being handicapped. You know being stuck in our emotions and the inability to move forward, and really the only place to go is backwards If you can't move forward.
Speaker 1:Of course, unhealthy relationships If we don't think well of ourselves or we think we're broken in some regards or we're not good as somebody else, we end up being subject to unhealthy relationships or getting into bed with narcissists or what have you. And then career and academic performance. So I will try to put that out there in the description and stuff, but keep those in mind as we go through those, go through this series that by addressing our insecurities and getting awareness around them or owning them, some insecurities, I think, are just some we just have to probably live with a little bit. But the more awareness around them we can address these problems. So I think from there let's talk a little bit about not necessarily our own insecurities, but how we're telling people exactly what our insecurities are but of course we can or how they've impacted our lives, because I have pretty good awareness around how my insecurities have impacted my life and how they continue to impact my life, and let's just maybe get a little personal, I guess, with that.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I actually think I've dealt with a lot of anxiety in my life and I think that actually is a little bit of a clue to something that's like off and or I help might help you identify some insecurities. So that's one thing that I feel like it impacts my life because like it does cripple you if you have anxiety, like it is a little bit controlling of you and you can. So I think anxiety and depression are actually the result of insecurities and like trying to like not really dig deep and do. I think those are the results of having insecurities and fears that you're not dealing with. So that's one and that's that's my opinion. I don't know if that's like a real thing that other people agree with, but that's my opinion is.
Speaker 2:To me, I see anxiety as like my red flag of there's something there I need to look at deeper, and so it might be that someone's like crossing a boundary for me, or it could be my own insecurity, like that I'm being triggered by something. So those are things that like impact how you show up in relationships all kinds of relationships be work or friendships, romantic relationships, but and then I think the aftermath of that can be like people tend to lash out. I mean I know I have right, you can. So lashing out would be like you could be passive, aggressive. It could be a fight, like picking a fight, it could be all kinds of things. So it's basically, you know, those are all like little cycles that happen as you get triggered. So I like I also think about the habit loop and stuff and I think there's probably a loop to this too. I don't know if that's like in some kind of self-help book somewhere, but like they're all intertwined when you get triggered and how you react and how you communicate that.
Speaker 2:So I think if you don't have awareness around it, it makes it hard to communicate and you can revert to, like you know, kind of acting like a child a little bit sometimes. I mean I've been there, done that and try to be better and not do that. But I think another way that things can show up is in. For me it can be like even failed relationships. You start to see patterns of okay, I'm like what am I bringing to the table or how am I contributing to this? If I'm seeing patterns of the same thing? It's not like it's all being done to you. I'm not a victim, so there has to be something I'm doing to attract thing. There has to be some level of control that I have over this.
Speaker 1:Well, I think victim mentality is a result of not addressing your insecurities.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 2:I mean, and that's where it's hard, because there's all these things intertwined, but I think some are the cause and other things are the effect. Right and so, but to me, you mentioned earlier like some people might need to medicate, and yes, I do think that there's a time and place for that. But I think if you're medicating to lower anxiety I know that there are anxiety disorders, but for me how it's manifested is it was just helping me identify work I needed to do, and I wasn't really aware of that at the time and so I just lived with it and coped with it in my own way. But over time I figured out no, this is just telling me something that isn't right.
Speaker 2:And once you gain the awareness around that and start digging deep, it's not easy to do all of it. You just have to start somewhere, like it's not easy and you can't do it overnight. But when you start medicating without doing the work medicating so that you can manage the anxiety it doesn't always help if you aren't also doing the work to understand the insecurities. So at that point it does help. It's like a bandaid and it can help you to get through therapy and whatever to like, address and identify your insecurities. But if you're taking the medication and that's the only solution? I don't know that, I think it will. Those things will continue to reappear and impact your relationships.
Speaker 1:So, like you talk about, I think self-medication, too, is very common, for oh well, yeah, I mean I know I do my fair share of drinking alcohol and whatnot.
Speaker 2:So yeah, self-medication is for sure a thing too. So what would you say? I mean cause again. There's like the cause and the effect of all these things and how they play a role, and how they show up and impact your relationships.
Speaker 1:The relationship again going back. The first one is our relationship with ourselves, self-esteem, all of it and and I've probably been on the spectrum of this game, particularly in my younger life, all the way to the end of the spectrum where I've had suicidal thoughts when I was younger and probably nothing is serious where I would act on them, but very dark moments in my life, particularly during some of the darker moments when I was in my 20s and I owned the drilling company and it just was poor, broke and the imposter syndrome and the sort of like in your head about being a failure and why can't I keep this company?
Speaker 1:going and why isn't it successful? And then you know, every time I would think it was getting somewhere or something would happen and pull me back and it just like all of these things manifesting where I became completely debilitated. I became an angry and mean person. I and all these responses were to, you know, because nobody was sitting there telling me like, okay, this has happened to millions of entrepreneurs, this is pretty normal. I didn't was too young to understand that every there were a lot of people in that boat during the great recession. And and then you know, an impact in my relationships I ended up breaking up with a girl that I loved very much, or she broke up with me. I didn't break up with her. That sent me into a tailspin and just it just piled it piled and piled and piled and, and I had zero tools or awareness.
Speaker 1:I was young. Right as you get older you get maybe you hope you get a little bit more awareness. And it created and I had. I had debilitating anxiety and my responses were to isolate myself from my friends, self-medicate with drugs and alcohol. I was reckless in my behaviors but there were days where I'd sit behind my computer and talk about like just debilitating, I couldn't. I couldn't do anything.
Speaker 1:I couldn't get myself out of the hole because I was eventually, I had something happen to me that put me to rock bottom and a good friend my business partner at the time and also a good friend were like this isn't sustainable for you. You're an angry person, you're mean to people, you're blah, blah, blah. You're not like pulling, you're not like the company's failing without you and you need to like, basically a smack in the face.
Speaker 1:So what? So I, what I did is I started getting into running and became a marathon runner and started really looking inward. Wasn't in therapy at the time. I didn't start going to therapy until after my dad died. But then I, and then I decided to go to grad school. So I made the moves to go to grad school and then I told my business partner I said, look, I'm going to finish, I'm going to go through grad school, and then I'm done. I'm done with this business because this business is not working for me and I don't like it. And so I gained a little awareness around that and then things went up up, right, and that was. You know, if you look at our lives, particularly my life, it's a roller coaster. So it's a series of waves, but it continuously. If you drew a line between the waves, they're continuously going up towards the positive awareness, all the things. And but that was a culmination of my insecurities, and that period of my life still haunts me.
Speaker 2:There's.
Speaker 1:PTSD and there's, there's insecurities, are still rooted from an anxiety still rooted from that period of my life, that still plague me today, but it but I did that, that I have awareness around now.
Speaker 2:So I mean it's interesting. So you're talking about like the peaks and valleys and the ups and downs, and I think something I wrote down here is like um, I think one, one of the ways that we, that insecurities can impact our relationships, is like just not even showing up, right, if you don't try, you can't fail, right. And so what you're talking about with peaks and valleys is like you're trying, and then there's like maybe something like a failure or like it doesn't go your way, but if you don't keep trying, you're never going to get that incremental growth. And so some people choose this way of if I don't try, I can't fail. And so, like I think of that, I think a good example of that is like people who don't put effort into like their appearance they might not wear clothes that like bring any attention to them. It's like about not even showing up because you don't even want to go through the process of potential, like rejection or having your your fears come true. So if you don't even show up, then it can't happen Right, and it's like almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy. So you think about like how that impacts people and I don't know.
Speaker 2:I mean there was a time I think I was not getting where I wanted with the dating side.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, I think I mean that can definitely impact relationships. I know how, for me, at one point, I wasn't really having a lot of success with dating and I knew it was probably because I had some things to unpack from a prior relationship and so I just made the choice to dive into work instead and not even really date at all, and so you know, but that for me was like a conscious decision, like I knew I had some things I wanted to unpack with that before I got into another relationship, or I felt like I was going to repeat that pattern. But I think there's something to that. But how it impacts us is you might, if you're not trying, because you're so fearful of the rejection or feel fearful of the failure because there's pieces of you that you feel like aren't perfect or whatever I don't know. I think I guess that's another point to make is like having some self-acceptance around where you are and who you are, and that you're doing your best and that we don't have to be perfect.
Speaker 1:I mean perspective will be good. It will will be a, I think, a pretty significant part of some of the upcoming episodes, and just gaining perspective, I mean, I feel like we could make this into way more than just three episodes, so I think this is going to keep growing as we go. We'll try to pull therapist Blake into into it.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Insecurities are I wish somebody wouldurities are I wish somebody would have. I wish I would have known to to seek help when I was younger. I think it would have given me. It just would have made some of those formidable years in my life a little bit less miserable because I just and then some of the relationships I also like I'm so good at. I'm, and I always have been, I'm so good at and I always have been I'm so good at pretending right.
Speaker 1:And as an entrepreneur, there was never a moment where I would let somebody know that I wasn't doing good or the business wasn't doing, and that was always great right, fake it till you, make it, or is that the kind of Fake it till you make it, or because I just don't one.
Speaker 1:I don't want the attention. I didn't want the attention. I didn't want the attention one. I didn't want to look inward and address those things while you know and everybody's praising you, particularly when you're younger, oh, you're so like fearless, and blah, blah, blah, to do this and. I'm. Even my dad at the time was like I'm so proud of you, blah blah, and it just builds up to this place, particularly, I think, as a man and only speaking for a man like that, failure is just like it's such an ego, it's such an
Speaker 1:ego thing and some of my closer friends, particularly the ones I lived with, roommates at the time knew and they were very supportive. But yeah, and those and where I'm going with this is that sort of behavior has. I mean, there's a certain amount of it that you, it's just, it's really hard, it was, it's always been hard for me to acknowledge when I'm failing at something and what happens then is I start to. There was a period of my life where I was a I guess I would say a storyteller. I fabricated things. I don't like the word line, but like I told stories.
Speaker 1:I told stories that weren't true to hide from my insecurities, so that people didn't know that I was having a hard time paying my bills or what have you. And then from there that would in moments of my life would take which I didn't have awareness around, but, like it, it was impacting my relationships because what was happening is I was telling stories that were so elevated that I was putting myself above, successfully, above where my people were and making them feel insecure, when in reality I was well below them and I didn't have awareness around that, around how that was impacting my friends lives and it there were, it blew up, I think what you're describing and not because I I'm not labeling you this way, but I think the the entire.
Speaker 2:We touched on the word like narcissism before and I don't think you're narcissistic in any way but I think what you're describing is, when we talk spectrum and insecurities. I think, if you study narcissism and how it's rooted and why it happens, I think it's actually the people that and that's why I just I appreciate the terminology that we all are becoming aware of, but the fact that a term like narcissism is thrown around so much like people can have different spectrums or like tendencies, but really all it is like deep insecurities and shame around it yeah and shame, and I think it's you're just trying to.
Speaker 2:I mean I would be somebody that you want to be right Like, you're trying to live up to the expectation that everybody else has of you Right and that you have of yourself, and so I think, just taking a minute to unpack that and I think you've done that in your journey- just based on who I know you to be today and what you're describing of like in the past.
Speaker 1:That moment in my life, that sort of 2007 to 2010 ish moment, I mean I was the worst version of myself to the point where, yeah, I had narcissistic tendencies.
Speaker 1:I lost such control over my ability to be myself and be true to myself and own my shit that I just lashed out, I protected my ego and what my insecurities were doing to me by like completely fucking ignoring everything and being angry and mean and outlash, and I appreciate my people that stood behind me and particularly the people that smacked me in the face and got me out of that route because they knew I was a good person.
Speaker 2:I just lost it Sometimes, you, you know be the victim too.
Speaker 2:I was like this is the world is against me and fuck the world and blah, blah, blah and this and that I think this also goes back to a message that we had that we've said a couple of times and I put a post up about it on our page too of like it's okay to not be okay, like we all go through this and we need to give people the permission to take that time, because I think if you're so busy trying to hide that, you are putting all your energy into like how am I supposed to be, how am I?
Speaker 2:And you can't take a moment to just be like I'm not okay or what whatever right, fill in the blank, but I'm just like I'm not okay, like I'm grieving something, I'm working on something, I need to. I don't know, you might be going through like a transitional time of trying to learn something about yourself or just in life, and it's okay to not be okay. And if I think the minute that we give people permission to do that, it frees up this energy to be like you know what you're right and now I can use all that energy I was using to have this imposter syndrome and now I can actually go to work and focus on doing some healing.
Speaker 1:And I would also add to that, in terms of phrases, it's okay to be okay, I think, is a really good one.
Speaker 2:It's okay to not be okay, so it's okay to be okay, and what I like is life is messy.
Speaker 1:It's messy. And then also like life is relative, right, like this idea that, like you know, I hate the phrase I was dealt a different set of cards. But it's true, like life is relative, and I think we're particularly outward facing insecurities, like the social media and stuff is. We keep comparing ourselves to people that were dealt different cards and then we forget that those people have their own insecurities, right, and I don't care where you are in life, if you're a billionaire, if you're the hottest fucking person in the world, and blah, blah, blah everybody has insecurities. And so that's a good start to understand that everybody's dealing with insecurities. And I think that if there was one purpose in life, would be to try to gain some awareness around your insecurities and how they impact your life and live with the appropriate amount of awareness so that you're not debilitated by your insecurities all the time. I mean, that's worth more than gold.
Speaker 1:It's worth more than gold, because you're living, your relationships are going to be better, your health is going to be better, your perspective, I mean, at the end of the day, we live and we die. If you spend your whole life keeping up with the Joneses or with imposter syndrome or, you know, spending eight hours a day to be the best looking human being in the world, was it, is it worth it? Or is it worth trying to understand how, what that insecurity is? And then, where does it come from? And that will be the next episode.
Speaker 2:But but having acceptance of yourself right is like really what I think. Acceptance of yourself right Is like really what I think, because if you're working all day, having the best body and whatever, I think those are all good things, but really, if we but for what I think is your point? It's like what? So you can be the hottest person, or do you want to actually be healthy and live a good life and have a healthy body? You can start overcompensating in other ways, right, and that certainly, I think, has to be intertwined with that people pleasing mentality of like I'm not good enough or whatever, and so I'm going to overcompensate by doing all these things for people and so that they'll accept you right, and so I'm going to overcompensate by doing all these things for people, um, and so that they'll accept you Right, and so that's something that I've definitely had to work through in my life. Um, and it's hard and it can show up in so many different ways.
Speaker 2:I know, like at one point I was listening, I tried to find this podcast episode, so I was listening. It was like a dating podcast and they had somebody on it and I remember the, the guests that they had. There was just a phrase she said, and it was basically like, if you're not showing up on dates the way you want to because you're insecure, like figure out your insecurity and go deal with it, cause you're not going to find what you're looking for if that's how you're showing up, right, and so it just it was one of those. It's so simple, but you just sometimes need to hear the words from someone, probably similar to, if you think of like the person that said okay, you got to go address these things. Sometimes you just need someone to say it, and that's why, too, I wanted to say it's okay to not be, okay, let's give people permission to do some of these things, cause sometimes that's just what you need to hear.
Speaker 2:But for me at the time, it was like made me realize I was definitely showing up a bit insecure. I was having like a lot of trouble at the time with like weight gain and whatever just like there were. I was having like pain in my body to like joint pain. There was like a bunch of stuff happening and I knew I needed to address it, but everything I was doing was like making it worse, and I just remember this woman saying, okay, just like address these insecurities and I was like all right, like at that point I like got off the dating apps. I was like I need to just go to work and figure out myself so I can show up as the best version of me, cause I'm not going to find the right person for me. If I'm showing up with insecurities Cause, then you're overcompensating in ways that it's fake really Right.
Speaker 1:I get where you're going with this. It's also, I think, adding to it is I think it's okay to show up with insecurities, yeah, with awareness around them, right. I think that the most it this is vulnerability, right, this ability to. I'm not saying go on your first date and tell some, tell somebody all your insecurities, but I think that in our relationships, both in romantic relationships, family relationships and friend relationships, those people we call those people that are close to us, should have some sort of understanding of our of our insecurities. I mean, we need to be vulnerable people and that's that'll be in the next episodes about how you need to share with somebody, whether it's a therapist or close friends, so that you can start to some. There's some accountability and both to yourself and your friends have some awareness right, like that they know a good friend. If they have awareness around your insecurities, will one help you through and you it's, you're opening up the door for somebody to help you, give perspective and help you.
Speaker 1:I also I was thinking with the it's okay not to not be okay. I also want to add it's not okay to just accept not being okay, right, because I go into if you're insecure about your weight, then you can. I guess you can either accept it or you can do something about it right. And because I think weight and drugs and all these things is like not doing something about it right, and because I think weight and drugs and all these things is like not doing something about it, is accepting it and basically wallowing in your insecurity. Instead of I'm going to do something about this, I'm going to change my diet incrementally, I'm going to, I'm going to exercise and I'm going to overcome, I'm going to tackle the physical aspects of this, how this insecurity is impacting my life, because I think that people that are overweight tend, just like substance abuse, tend to eat. Eat to overcome their insecurity right.
Speaker 2:It's all addictions too, I mean, but I think this goes back to some people. There's so much like shame and things like it's you're almost using it as a way to hide.
Speaker 1:It's part of the handicap.
Speaker 2:I mean, I've watched a lot of like TV shows and stuff about like makeovers, I think, if you probably even like the biggest loser and stuff, I think there's like a lot of people that use food. It's like a first of all, it's like a comfort thing and it's like their own response to the stress. But it also, if you have, if you're overweight, like you're not even welcoming, it's like deterring people from you in a certain way, like and even like the way that you dress or show up. I don't know like I'm not saying it should be that way, but I think it's like a mechanism that people use also to hide Right, because it's a way of I'm not even trying, so I can't fail, but it's so weird because it's like you're-.
Speaker 1:Well, you're feeding your insecurity. Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2:It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy then.
Speaker 1:And don't Right.
Speaker 2:See, I was right and it's oh my gosh, yeah, and I've been there, so I'm not judging that at all, but at some point it's you have to just take that matters into your own hands.
Speaker 1:There's a term for that. What is it? Self deprecation or self? It's basically. I don't know, I can't think of the term right now, but it's basically.
Speaker 2:I know what you're talking about, and I was trying to write it down earlier, and I always forget the term too.
Speaker 1:it's so well, it's whatever it's the idea of. We have an insecurity and instead of addressing it and getting awareness around it and going taking action to to remediate it, we actually hide behind it and create behaviors that allow us to. I mean victim mentality is the is what keeps coming to my head which is a response, is a way to hide behind a lot of insecurities is to blame everybody else. To blame everybody else. I got bad genes, or I was dealt wrong cards, or I got a car accident years ago, and it's maybe this or I wasn't raised this way, or I don't have a trust fund, or all these things wasn't raised this way, or I don't have a trust fund, or all these things.
Speaker 1:And victim mentality at its worst is, I mean all these things in mental health. They spiral into all these other things and I just think don't, don't throw fuel on your insecurities. I mean I think the next, when we go into the next episode, the real, the first step is just fucking writing them down, like you know, really looking at yourself sit there I don't go on a spiritual journey if you need to and write down what your insecurities are, if you really look at yourself you're assuming people have awareness around it.
Speaker 2:So I think we have the like. Ground zero is actually learning how to have some awareness and that's going to be. You're right, making a list and whatnot is important, but we, I think, have to be in a safe space of accepting ourselves too, and we'll get into all that stuff and some resources of how to go about it.
Speaker 2:But I think what we're trying to cover today, too, is like why it's important to gain that awareness and to start some healing with that, because it's impacting your relationships and your life Like we only. We keep saying this, but it's. We only have one life and we don't know how long that is. So let's try to do the best we can to enjoy it, and I think if we're living in fear or if we're being controlled by insecurities, we're really it's not that enjoyable. It's really a difficult, it's so hard, like it's a lonely space to be insecure and fearful of things.
Speaker 1:So it is. It's a lonely place, and I think that the majority of the world well, not the majority of the world I think that Western populations, particularly Americans, suffer from very significant lack of awareness, particularly in our suffering more and more from their insecurities, particularly since the advent of social media and the.
Speaker 1:Internet. It's only going to get worse. So this is more important. Being the geologist that I used to be, and working backwards from what exists today, I think that preparing for next, for the next episode, let's we're going to go into identifying, I think, and awareness. Let's read I'm going to reread this list of impacts that our insecurities have on us and then I think, if you're really lacking awareness this is where we start let's work backwards from your mental health, physical health, things and start identifying what on these lists you're suffering from, and then next episode, we'll get into talking about working backwards from there.
Speaker 1:Why am I anxious? What makes me anxious? What are my triggers? So why do I have low self-esteem? What makes me anxious? What are my triggers? So why do I have low self-esteem? What makes me feel really low?
Speaker 1:Social withdrawal why am I withdrawing from society? Am I isolating myself? Am I doing it without my awareness? And why am I doing it? Why don't I want to go outside and why don't I want to engage with people? Am I not calling my friends?
Speaker 1:Am I obsessive? Am I obsessive about my looks, my vanity? Am I obsessive with, am I controlling? Am I obsessive with, my partner, my family, my kids. What's that all about? And then getting into the physical stuff like's my sleep? How's my eating? Am I eating too much? Am I not eating at all? Why am I doing that? Stress-related illnesses. Am I drinking too much? Am I doing drugs? A lot of people that do drugs hide behind. They like to party, but what do you feel like the next morning? Are you getting drunk every night? Or do you have to drink to be social? Like, start looking in words and write this shit down and really look inward on that and then you know the other ones that lifestyle impacts. What are my relationships like? Are they healthy, unhealthy? Are there particular ones that are unhealthy, and why? Career and academic performance let's be honest there. Are you pursuing anything? Are you failing? Are you unemployed? What are you doing to remediate that?
Speaker 2:So those are just like to me as you're reading, these are just areas that insecurities can impact your life, right, and so those would be like if, maybe, if any of those areas are not up to where you want them to be, that's maybe a good starting point that we can dive into, like how you gain some awareness around that and right, those are just like different areas of your life that would help identify, like, where to start.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and then working backwards. Yeah, I think, if you can identify that, you have these sort of issues or you're being subject to these, that from there you can work backwards, particularly with a therapist. I don't know, from a podcast. But there's, these are all rooted in something right. Some of these were all. These all started as seeds and they maybe they go all the way back to your childhood, maybe they go back to a bad relationship. Maybe you're just following the wrong influencer on Instagram.
Speaker 2:There's all kinds of self-assessments you can do too, depending on the therapist that you go to. Sometimes they'll ask you to do ones when they're like on the intake. That kind of help you identify an area that you want to improve in your life. So I'll see if I can find some resources. I know there's all different ones, depending on what your goal is or what you're going through. But even if you take the categories that you just listed off and just rank them on a scale of one to 10 of like how it's going versus where you would like it to be, and that might be like a good starting place too, and obviously we'll dive into this in future episodes. But if you're wanting to follow along or do some work on your own, that's maybe a good way to measure where to start.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I think, with that to be continued. So next week, uh, we'll go into step two here, and this is understanding and facing our insecurities through awareness, starting to, like I said, work backwards from these things and getting a grip on what they are and how to find them, and then we'll move into step three and moving forward, living with insecurities and overcoming them. So, emanuela Zalto, I appreciate you, our listeners, I always appreciate it. I forgot to do it, I guess, in the beginning, but please share, subscribe, rate us and give us comments beginning, but please share, subscribe, rate us and give us comments and you can follow us on instagram at owning alone, or you can email us at joel at one podcastcom and with that.
