Midlife Uncensored
Midlife Uncensored-Real Life Discussions from Over the Hillis the no-holds-barred podcast you didn’t know you needed. Hosted by Joel Poppert, aka Poppy—the friendly Sasquatch with an epic beard—and his fiery co-host, Emanuela Messineo, aka E, this show unapologetically dives into the chaos, comedy, and WTF moments of midlife. If you’re 35-55 and ready to embrace the rollercoaster of aging, this podcast is your new home base.
Poppy and E tackle everything from modern dating disasters in the hilarious sub-series The Love Laugh Lounge (the “festivus” of dating) to real-life shit like divorce, mental breakdowns, balding, sagging tits, and figuring out how to parent while still figuring yourself out and maybe dealing with an unhinged ex. With a blend of interview episodes and no-expert-needed banter (except when we bring on experts), these two cut through the BS and get real about midlife—no filters, no sugarcoating, just pure, unfiltered truth with a heavy dose of humor. Expect raw, relatable stories, unfiltered guidance, tough love, easy happiness, and a few episodes where the comedy comes from alcohol infused banter, because who give a fuck, right?
Whether you’re dealing with the joys of aging, trying to keep your sanity while raising kids, or attempting to find love in a sea of idiots, Midlife Uncensored has your back. Expect a few F-bombs, some belly laughs, and a whole lot of honesty as Poppy and E rip the band-aid off midlife and give you permission to thrive in this beautifully messy chapter. It's not just about surviving midlife—it's about unfucking it and owning it! This is your community; we are in it together!
Midlife Uncensored
The Dating Game, Appropriate First Date Conversations and Silly Saturday Shenanigans
Ever wondered if playing hard to get really works in the dating world? Join us on this lighthearted "Silly Saturday" episode as Poppy and E, share their latest escapades—from Game of Thrones marathons to making new friends at Pilates class. Laugh along with us as we explore the quirky social perks of fitness classes and debate whether the right workout attire can indeed spark new friendships. Our discussion smoothly transitions into the age-old question of dating strategies—do they truly help in attracting a partner, or are they just outdated advice?
Navigating the modern dating scene can be a minefield, especially with the rise of dating apps. We dig into the delicate balance of being authentic while avoiding the pitfalls of endless messaging and first-date jitters. Sensitive topics like past relationships, divorce, and family loss also surface, reminding us of how these experiences shape our current dating dynamics. We stress the importance of recharging through self-care and staying true to oneself rather than getting caught up in overanalyzing every move or word of a potential partner.
We don't shy away from the complexities of relationships either, touching on ethical non-monogamy and the maze of communication etiquette in today's tech-driven world. From the implications of read receipts to the frustrations of miscommunication, we share our preferences and pet peeves. The episode wraps up with reflections on secure attachment styles and the significance of appreciating our audience. We encourage our listeners to share their stories and connect with us on Instagram, aiming to build a supportive and vibrant community together. Join us for a mix of humor, personal insights, and practical advice on navigating the rollercoaster of dating and relationships.
How to Engage with Us
- DM us on Instagram midlifeuncensored
- Follow Joel on IG jpoppert
- Follow Emanuela on IG emanuela5683 or accountability_with_e
Thanks for joining the Owning Alone community, I certainly appreciate you!
All right, all right, all right. Welcome to another episode of the Only Loan Podcast. This is your host, poppy, your favorite friendly Sasquatch, and my lovely co-host, manuela Mecineo, also known as E. It is Saturday in colorful Colorado, in Denver, colorado, and we're going to try Silly Saturday. We just recorded like two days ago, so I don't know how many updates we have. Watch some Games of Thrones yeah, pretty exciting.
Speaker 2:Yeah, very exciting. I made a new friend at Pilates yesterday.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah.
Speaker 2:I was thinking you should come to Pilates sometime. There's always lots of girls in there.
Speaker 1:Yeah, what does that look like? I did reform Pilates when I after my back sometime. There's always lots of girls in there. Yeah, what does that look like? I did reform Pilates when I after my back surgery. It's intense.
Speaker 2:It's not that intense.
Speaker 1:I don't know, I just remember shaking a lot.
Speaker 2:Oh well, it's on the table. Right With the thing and the reformer. Yeah, you can do an easy intro class.
Speaker 1:Will there be girls in that one? Yeah, all right class. Will there be girls in?
Speaker 2:that one, yeah, all right. Yeah, what do I wear? Spandex speedos, just. The coach is like walking up and down the aisle. So just wear something. You don't want to be like hanging out of your shorts you don't want to be hanging out of the shorts so you need something to hold you in so speedo there you go, that's fine, I always work out in my house and, it's funny, I've had the same workout shoes.
Speaker 1:They're the shoes I wore on my last marathon in 2011. And since I never. There's no like friction, because I cycle and I row. I alternate Like there's never any wear and tear on the shoes. So, they're just like. Those are my workout shoes.
Speaker 2:Hey, that's all right. I like that. I actually like. When I work out at home, I do it barefoot, but I'm not doing cardio. Really, the only cardio option I have is a rowing machine.
Speaker 1:You have a rowing machine.
Speaker 2:I don't use it very often because I.
Speaker 2:I used. I bought it during COVID because my orange theory coach was doing like virtual workouts like from her garage and so I wanted an option to do like the cardio piece, because the other option was basically you'd run around the block and then come back and do whatever. So I got the rowing machine for that. But then once everything opened back up, I just went back to the gym. I'm just better about. I'm one of those people that needs the class to sign up. I hate how much money I have to spend on a gym membership, but it's. It keeps me accountable and working from home and stuff like it's a nice way to at least get out. But yeah, it's all females at the Pilates classes.
Speaker 1:If I showed up I'd have the pick of the litter.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you would.
Speaker 1:I feel creepy about hitting on people at the gym, though.
Speaker 2:You don't have to. But see, the nice thing is, then I could go more often than you. And then when they're like, oh, who is that guy, I can be your wingwoman.
Speaker 1:I like it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I think you should think about that.
Speaker 1:I looked at the two birds fit thing and the cycle thing and I'm like I cycle every day. I have been for years.
Speaker 2:but I look at those classes and I'm like yeah, I don't think I could do a cycle class I don't know. I'm sure I could, but I just I'm not a big like biker. I did more biking when I was like rehabbing my knee from my knee surgery, but it's not my thing.
Speaker 1:One second I like it. That brings us up to a silly Saturday. I think we decided we were going to talk about all things dating before we start, cause I missed it. Please follow us on Instagram at only alone. Please share our podcast, tell your friends, get involved, send us your questions. I know you guys all aren't perfect out there. Let us know how you're not perfect and we'll address it on the podcast and we'll name names and throw you under the bus and all those things.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so we love you. Yeah, so silly saturday dating. So I've been, I've had this like I've wanted to talk about this, and then we're gonna do, we're gonna bring up some dating questions and be funny and whatever, as funny as we can be. Whether dating is a game should be a game. Shouldn't be a game somewhere in the middle, because everybody's I don't want to play games, but everybody plays games.
Speaker 1:So I, and I think that's you know, it's the part of the chase, the whining and dining. Nobody likes somebody that smothers them on the second date or texts them a hundred times. So there is a game people do like that I believe it's a game. I don't consider myself a gamer, but I there's.
Speaker 2:There's an art to like attraction, like building some attraction and chemistry and stuff, I think. But yeah, I I the game, probably because I'm really bad at it.
Speaker 1:So what do you think are the aspects of the game as a woman? What do you know you should probably do, but maybe you don't do? And before we get into attachment styles like what is, what does the game look like from the girl's side?
Speaker 2:There's a lot that at least I was like raised with about empowering women to sort of just empowering women in general, and so I think there's a little bit of maybe just like letting them make the first move and letting them reach out more.
Speaker 2:I don't know, yeah, letting men reach out, Not always being the person to reach out, but I don't know. I struggle with this because I feel like if they're always the one reaching out, are they going to think you're not interested? So I feel like there's like a balance. I'm almost like in my head. I'm like maybe I reach out once every third time. This is like ridiculous. So you have to like think about this stuff. You want to show interest without being too interested. I guess that's the key and I think, as we get older too.
Speaker 1:I think there's a little less of the game that we need to play, and I'm not. I want to put the disclaimer out that I'm not advocating for people to play games. I just think there's some part of the courtship where I think everybody likes to be chased a little bit. Yeah, men and women Could like the perfect girl, like come across me and would I like, completely, like, fall for her? Probably not actually at this point, but like when I was younger.
Speaker 2:I think in general, I think in general most if and maybe you can tell me if I'm onto something or not, or totally off base I think men in general need to feel like they've earned their place in your life or earned the attraction Like that. If you are very quick to just be interested, they might think you're that way with everybody. So deducting from that is you're not necessarily a woman of like high value.
Speaker 1:So yeah, I think most men like to chase.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:They like to chase within reason.
Speaker 2:But underneath it is they want someone who's hard to get. Right Like almost like a prize not like hard to get, but I just I feel like there's, if it's too easy, it's what's the?
Speaker 1:well, if it's too easy or if it's too much, too soon, practical human beings are like that's a red, it's a little bit of a red flag maybe, but it's a little alarming, yeah, I think, particularly for people that red flag maybe, but it's a little alarming.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think, particularly for people that have secure attachment, like it's just because you're basically, that sort of behavior is pretty much a reflection of anxious attachment, which I think anxious attachment people with the right communication and blah, blah, blah can be incredible partners and lovers and all that stuff. But too much, too soon is you start to question like, yeah, are they doing it to everybody?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Do they like you so much that they're not going to listen to like when you communicate to them? Are they going to? Because I've had that issue before where you're like, I'm trying to tell you who I am and you're like completely not listening.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I know maybe you don't I need to know whether these non-negotiables or the things I'm talking about obviously doesn't come up on the first date but, like some of these things like are registering with you because I'm trying to tell you who I am.
Speaker 2:Well, I think, if you start to get into whether or what are you here for, is it for self-validation? Are you here to just get some validation from someone of the opposite sex or the same sex, whoever you're dating, or are you here because you genuinely want to make like a connection and learn about the person right? So are you doing it selfishly, or are you there like for to actually build a relationship right?
Speaker 1:So do you think you should wait three days before you text somebody after you go on a date with them?
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:I don't.
Speaker 2:I don't do that, I mean, I just do you think that would?
Speaker 1:do you think that would work?
Speaker 2:No, not necessarily. I think it depends on no, not after a first date. No, I, if I'm going to message them, I'll message them that night just to say I've had a nice time for me, because I am a little bit more on the anxious side, which I hate to even say that stuff, because I've done a lot of work to move past that. But dating does bring out that side of me. So I modern dating yeah. So I think for me it's about recognizing myself and like just stopping and sit back for a second, like not out of playing a game, but more out of just like giving space to allow people to respond and just be who they are too.
Speaker 2:So I've really tried to get like away from the game playing because I think, at the end of the day, what the quote unquote game is really trying to just replicate you have your own life, you are your own individual, you have your own values and someone who's going to come into your life has to earn a place in.
Speaker 2:They need to earn that place a little bit, just like a friend would, right. And so this is why, when I was like a couple of episodes ago or a couple of weeks ago, I was telling you like maybe I should date when I'm my schedule is like really busy, because I think it just like naturally creates the environment that men need for there to be more of an attraction. But I've consciously made space in my life for a relationship, like several years ago I it is a high priority for me to find someone, but not just anyone. But it's hard because when I have more time in my schedule I find I'm like I have a harder time like navigating the dating situation, probably because I have more space and more time for my mind to go a little crazy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think if you're, you know what I mean, if you're busier if you're busier, like my first couple of years there, I was like I had a ton of time when I was dating and, yeah, I would sit there and think about particularly the girls I like like what are they doing right now?
Speaker 1:And they text me back and like a little bit of the anxious stuff came too. It's all gone away and I think it's because I'm very busy with my work and everything else that I'm doing. But the more busy I am, the more I realize like how much more I feel like some women are courting me and like I'll forget to respond back to somebody of course, like I think.
Speaker 1:I think any man likes to know that the woman is genuinely interested in them. It's not always. I think women do a good job of trying hard not to show their cards right away. They've been conditioned to do so. I think it's okay to show men your cards honestly, at this particularly at this age.
Speaker 1:Like I don't think it's. I think that it depends on how you show your cards. If you're like, look, I really enjoyed, I'm really enjoying getting to know you. You seem to be like a really good man, like I really enjoy my time with you, like I'd love to see you again, those are all like yeah, super nice things. They wouldn't throw up red flags. If there's assumptions being made though, like people throwing out assumptions of who you are, why you'd be good together after a couple dates that those are the things where I'm like do you really know that?
Speaker 1:but I also think most relationships start with some impractical love bombing and honeymoon period is just hormones, and there's a reason for that, I think. One is one is a naturally procreate from the old times and, second of all, if you, if that honeymoon period didn't exist, like how do you get to the part where you can tolerate each other as like partners? Cause there is a tolerance that has to be had with our people.
Speaker 2:I don't know. I think, instead of trying to play a game because I think people can see through that it's actually just creating the life that, as a result, makes you a little bit unattainable, to some extent Not unavailable, but just that, have some hobbies, have friends and things that you do, and also leaving a little bit of time and space for dating, I think is important too. But you can create what the game the quote-unquote game is trying to replicate by just like actually just build the life that would give you that anyways, without actually having to play the game like you said, like when you're busy, know who you are.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it is a game. It is a game. I'm not saying play games, but I do think it's a game I.
Speaker 2:There is a bit of a game and I think there's some. Like you know, especially when you're in like a dating app and everybody's swiping and stuff, you have to figure out if you can create a little bit of flirtation and some like banter with someone. There could be maybe a little bit of a game in that, trying to just get off the app and into real life and then keep it going. But at the end of the day I think I don't know, I hate the game. I'd rather just have a busy enough life without being unavailable completely.
Speaker 1:You hate playing games. I don't like playing games. I think that the difference here is in my head it's it is a game, but you shouldn't be playing games.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's true. Yeah, I could just think there's a natural.
Speaker 1:There's things that work in courtship and things that don't work. It sounds very cliche, but I think knowing who you are and having a good relationship with yourself is always key to dating. Being principled, being authentic, showing up authentic, showing up with your convictions, like answering questions like you'd answer them with yourself or with anybody else, versus trying to be somebody you're not. I think that's confidence. Right, that's a very significant level of confidence that I think usually works well.
Speaker 2:Do you, um, do you have like topics or things that you like to talk about or not talk about, like on a first date? I feel like if we back up a second actually you were very quick on the apps to try to just get to a first date, right, like you don't do a whole lot of back and forth before.
Speaker 1:No, I've been sucked into the pen pal thing every time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm a little different in that, so let's just skip to like so first date. Are there topics that you like to bring up or that you try to avoid on a first date?
Speaker 1:I don't really give too much thought about it. I just show up and a natural conversation happens, but I prefer not to talk about my past relationships or my divorce, but I will. If it feels safe, I will, and they're talking about their stuff. We can go there, but within reason.
Speaker 1:That's a slippery slope, though, and I'd rather just stay away from it, and part of that, too, is just, I just prefer not to get into the one, into the divorce. And then, two, that I'm the whole amical thing. People usually like that, but at the same time they don't. I don't know if anybody that doesn't know you wants to know that you're, like, still friends with your ex-wife. Friends is a complicated word, I guess, for my relationship with my ex-wife, but we respect each other and blah, blah and that I don't like coming up. I prefer not to talk about my dad's death if I don't have to. It's too.
Speaker 2:It's too heavy people can form a lot of opinions around that stuff and maybe fill in gaps about you without really knowing you. So I don't blame you, but I show up pretty fucking authentic.
Speaker 1:I go with the flow and if that's the conversation that comes out of my mouth, then I'll go there. It's just like I don't really have a filter in that regard, but I'm not like reckless either. I think dating becomes very complicated when you're overthinking how you're going to show up. I don't typically get nervous. The only anxiety I get around dating is that the chick that shows up isn't going to look like her pictures.
Speaker 1:That's the one thing every time I'm like I'm looking for him, I'm looking out the window, I'm like God, oh that's not her, Is it oh?
Speaker 2:that's, I can't know the post you have of the dog that was on the dating app.
Speaker 1:I was dying. I love that guy. I love that guy.
Speaker 2:That was in the owning alone stories the other day that you shared. That was pretty funny, you got catfish. So if you're not, following us on Instagram?
Speaker 1:you should, because there's some good stuff in there. What about you Is?
Speaker 2:there anything that you try to avoid?
Speaker 1:I like to talk about all my different sexual dispositions and what I want to do?
Speaker 2:oh yeah, absolutely. I ask them what type of panties, they're wearing.
Speaker 1:Is there a topic that you try to avoid or something that you go to every time?
Speaker 2:I usually try to go back through, like before I go on a date. I'll like go back through the app or our conversation just to have a couple things that we've talked about like fresh in my mind. But then, aside from it, I don't know. I really try to just avoid past relationship stuff, but if it comes up I'll talk about it. I think the one question I always struggle with on a first date is like what are you looking for? And I don't ever really ask that and I hate it because it's. I hate it because I feel like it's the way that you would answer that. Then the person assumes that's what you want from them and I'm still determining whether I like you or not.
Speaker 2:I can have an outcome that I want out of the dating process in general, like I would like a committed relationship that leads to like marriage and building a family of some sort together, but I don't, but not everyone's going to fit into that, so then it doesn't it's. Also I feel like there might be someone I just enjoy spending time with. So you don't want to lead someone on. I don't know. I just hate that question upfront because it's. I guess I just don't know how to answer it properly. On the first date, I haven't figured that out yet, and so you don't want to answer it like too casually.
Speaker 2:Oh, I just want someone to do stuff with and it's yeah, I do. But I want a lot more out of that. But I don't want it to seem like I'm trying to jump into something either. I'm not trying to rush anything, but I'm also not trying to find like a casual, like situationship either. But some people might fit into that and that might happen and like that I don't know like along the way, I just I struggle with how to answer that in a way that doesn't come off either too casual or too serious. I mean I struggle with how to answer that in a way that doesn't come off either too casual or too serious. I mean I get it one out of three times.
Speaker 1:I get that from a girl. First question.
Speaker 2:Oh, Jesus Christ why.
Speaker 1:And I just delete them.
Speaker 2:I just like, I don't want to get it on the app, I get it on the app, yeah.
Speaker 1:It's right out the gate. It's the first question and I just delete them Cause.
Speaker 2:I'm just just like I don't really like.
Speaker 1:For me it's too intense. Like to me it's I can't date somebody that's so desperate to like that she has to ask that question right out the gate to I. Just it's too much for me.
Speaker 2:I'm on the other side. I'm like, I'm in the I want to meet. You have a good time.
Speaker 1:see who you are, see, see if we get along, see if we vibe. If there's feelings, then I'm going to nurture them, but I certainly wouldn't ask somebody what are you looking for? I don't care. On the first date I'm like as long as you're not like looking for a free meal, we're good, like we're good If you're just here to meet me and see if we vibe, and see where it goes and have a good conversation. That's all I need.
Speaker 2:I don't. I would say, in my opinion, when that happens, I think there can be a little bit. If it's happening like right out of the gate on the app, I think it's because it's like a fear. I don't want to go on this. It's almost like they're looking for a reason to not go or a reason to, or they're going to just dive right in and be like basically, it's almost like you're setting an expectation that if you go on the date that you want a relationship with them, and it's oh, we're like let's not jump ahead, do you know what I'm saying, but then they also, I get it but like you're going to waste your time if you're dating Exactly Dating, I mean it can also be like yeah that's a huge problem.
Speaker 2:I agree, and I think it is dating and it's okay, but then put that on your profile, that relationship, and if the other person, okay, so then we could also talk about statuses and what they mean to you but that's changing topics.
Speaker 1:So go back. I get the. I get where it comes from. It comes from the fact that these men and women feel like people keep wasting their time, because I can tell you. I can tell you exactly what I think is happening from a male perspective.
Speaker 1:Woman goes on date with man, maybe showed some interest, blah, blah, blah. She gets the it was really nice to meet you, but I don't think we're vibing. Or they go on a couple of dates. He tries to sleep with her. They don't have sex, but he kind of half liked her. Blah, blah. I'm just speaking romance, but I'm not a woman's been doing this for, you know, a year or two. It's happening on the other side, by the way, too. But and then gets to this point where she's I don't want my fucking time wasted puts it right on the app or comes right out the gate. I'm very intentional. I'm looking for a relationship. I don't want to date. Anybody that's not looking for a relationship assumes that all men, all the men that she was dating, weren't looking for a relationship. Also, the reality is these two people just didn't like enough each other enough to be in a relationship, and it's taking it the wrong way.
Speaker 2:But now we're creating the thing that we want to do, avoid. This goes back to what we just talked about in the last episode of. You're fearful of getting rejected or wasting your time, but then you're coming off Like to me, what that screams is I've been burned and I'm not, I don't want to get burned again, and so I'm not really open. Like it's just sort of like it's going to be an uphill battle and I don't. It's like from a female perspective even, it's just sort of like what am I looking for? I don't know. I just want to like get to know you make sure that you actually look like your photos. Before we talk about anything else, let's go on three, four, five dates before we I mean you can talk about what your expectations are, what your intentions are in that time. But let's just keep it light the first date or two first see if we can have some fun and banter together.
Speaker 1:And if there's actually some chemistry that was the other thing.
Speaker 2:Take a break. If you are burnt out and you've been burned a few times or whatever go back to the take a break and fill your bucket with like things. That will help you build the confidence again to get back out there. So that could be a couple of weeks or a month or six months or whatever. The time is that you need. Fill your bucket, go on a trip, go hang out with some friends, do whatever it is that you need to do. Get out in nature, take the chill pill.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I've told you I have to take breaks like fairly regularly from that because I, I, I think I'm like an empath and I put a lot into my relationships period, like any anybody that's in my life. I put a lot into.
Speaker 1:I would attest to that.
Speaker 2:I put a lot of thought and I wouldn't have it any other way, but it's also a high priority for me, or yeah, it's a high priority for me to find a person to spend like the rest of my life with. So I'm going to especially show up that way on some dates and not like too much. But or I don't think it's too much, but also some of that is just who I am. So if it's not, if it's not like a match for them, then that's fine you're just not gonna know like I have to be genuine.
Speaker 2:I can't like change who I am and be like I'm not gonna like I'm not gonna show up and be thoughtful and empathetic with the person that I want to potentially start something with but you can't also put them on like this pedestal or make them like this person that they haven't earned, particularly for a high caliber or a woman or a man.
Speaker 1:It's going to be a turnoff because most of those people, they know who they are, they know what they want, they're not going to be coerced on the first date and not making the decision for you.
Speaker 1:I think my sort of advice or how I approach dating is I'm going to talk enough on the app, or if I see it on the app enough to know that what I'm trying to do is I'm trying to make sure that the person that I show up with is a good person, yeah, that there's a good potential, that we're going to have a nice time and have a nice conversation, and that's all I ask for out of my dates, and that's all anybody should ask for is don't ask the questions about whether they're serious or blah, blah, blah, like there's always going to come out and tell you either oh no, I'm not serious Like nobody on the date, I just want to fuck you.
Speaker 2:Well, also, the person that is there for that isn't going to say it, and the ones that are there for something more serious are going to be turned off by by that approach so you have to trust yourself, don't you feel like?
Speaker 2:I feel like you have to trust yourself and give, get, just go on a few dates and just pay attention to what they actually are doing, how they're acting, how and if it's a good fit for you and what you're looking for and who you are and and what you're looking for and who you are and what you're looking for in a partner Like that. People can tell you all the things. Words and actions are totally different things and you can only figure that out by going on the dates.
Speaker 1:I've seen this a lot of times, with single mothers writing like I work full time, I've got two kids, blah, blah, blah. Don't waste my time. I can tell you right now what a turnoff. It's the biggest turnoff. I certainly don't want to waste your time and there's a lot of people like there's a lot of men that are looking.
Speaker 2:Do you have time? Do you actually have time to date? Yeah, it sounds awful.
Speaker 1:It sounds like I'm going to, even if.
Speaker 2:I fell for you.
Speaker 1:I'm not going to see you for two weeks left, or you're gonna put so much pressure on the fact that, yeah, it's a huge just be cognizant of the things you write on your profile.
Speaker 2:Well, they're setting a boundary that is, don't waste my time and if you're not super serious about me, then don't. We're not even gonna go on a first date. Nobody can know that. The people that do know that up front are it's not even like the people that are gonna to show up. In response to that, in my opinion, is someone who isn't there for the like genuine reason? Because you can't know that about someone until you actually go out with them and yeah, I don't know. That would be a huge turnoff for me too. I think, going back to the point you made of let's be aware of what we're putting out there on like profiles too, because you're probably getting passed up by the people that you do want to attract if you're being like negative or harsh, or maybe just take a little bit of time off from it if you're feeling burnt out.
Speaker 1:It's like the problem. It's like I compare it to when people write their political views on social media nobody fucking cares. No, say something authentic about who you are I don't.
Speaker 2:I have no space for any of the political stuff, and especially not on a dating app. No, I don't care. I don't care. If I even agree with what they say, I'm like no, I just anyway.
Speaker 1:I get exhausted. Silly Saturday. I know you got stuff written.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, I do, but I also like okay, so that would be a topic that would be a turnoff for me. All the things you shouldn't write on your political shit, or in, or in a first date.
Speaker 1:Well, I'm like a hot item for conservative women? I don't know why? Maybe it's because I'm moderate. Maybe I put moderate on there. Liberal girls will not date me because I'm apparently I'm a Republican in hiding, oh Jesus Christ. And if you knew me, I have written liberal policies and lobbied, and passed them for climate change, so go fuck yourself.
Speaker 2:So I did on my first date. So go fuck yourself. So I did on the first date. I went rogue and talked about all the shit I don't normally talk about, which was like politics, religion. I just went on a rant and it was funny. It wasn't like I wasn't being shitty, but I was just like I'm on a roll.
Speaker 1:I'm going I don't know when I wanted to go out again I was like, wow, I'm shocked but I don't know.
Speaker 2:Anyways, okay, america, oh heaven forbid. I'm in the middle I saw the best uh meme today that my friend posted. Holy shit, so funny. It said and this is sorry's political, but it was so funny it was it said that Biden called Trump to see if he was okay after the shooting. And then it was like that, girls, if he wanted to, he will or he would. And I was like, oh, shut the front door. I love it.
Speaker 1:If he wanted to, he would, but if he wanted to, maybe he wouldn't. How's that for?
Speaker 2:He might or he might not. Yeah, and I also think there's a lot to be said.
Speaker 1:If you wanted to, you would also. Yeah, exactly, this goes back to the game.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So it's interesting because I have also friends that talk about match the energy. If they're not responding or reaching out to you for a couple of days, then you should do the same and I'm like doesn't this actually dwindle? Get you the opposite of what you want? Like, at the end of the day, I think it's more of if they're not bringing the day, they're a stranger.
Speaker 2:If they're not bringing to the table like the type of communication that you want, then you have your answer, but I'm not going to change who I am or the type of communication or the frequency of it that I want in a relationship, because they're not responding Like that just to me says you're not a match. So I don't want to lower what I'm bringing to the table, if that makes sense. Or change, not lower. Just I don't want to change that. It just might be a mismatch.
Speaker 1:That's playing games. That's not playing the game. That's playing games. Yeah, and I think.
Speaker 1:Or being someone that you aren't right so I noticed and then we should go on your list. But I've noticed I've become like secure. I was anxious attachment for a good part of my adult career, so I have a lot of awareness around anxious attachment. For a good part of my adult career, so I have a lot of awareness around anxious attachment. I had moments where I was like bad, yeah, now I'm somewhere, somehow I slipped into secure, maybe slightly avoidant, and but it's interesting to be secure attachment because the difference between I consider all my dates strangers. I show up and I meet them and they're still a stranger. I don't have a lot of desire, after even a good date, to text with them outside of hey, you know like a little things here to let them know I'm thinking of them or I'd like to see them again, and then I put a date on the schedule and then I just don't text them. It could be a week until the thing before versus like old Joel, would have been like I have to hear from you every day because otherwise you're not thinking maybe to be on the other end, of be on the other side of the fence.
Speaker 1:Now I totally get now a secure attachment because it's like yeah, it's not that I didn't like that. I don't like these people that I'm dating and I actually do. I actually I'm very interested and excited to see her again. There's not a part of me that needs this, like you have unnecessary validation because because I guess to me it doesn't. I don't take this the wrong way. It doesn't matter. If you don't want to go out with me again, then you don't want to go out with me again and yeah, there's that. If I liked you, that that does suck, but at the same time, that's the reality and I'm glad. I guess part of me is I'm glad I know that and I don't believe in the sort of like in unnecessary courtship in the early part of it
Speaker 1:getting to know. It's like you meet, you have a conversation in real life, you like each other, then you do it again and then eventually it becomes I really want to know how your day's going, or I like want to know what you think about this, and then it turns into like that turns into a different part of the courting, but the earlier parts of the like, anxious attachment, blah, blah, blah. That's all about your ego and that was the part I wish I would have awareness around that when I was younger, because it just would. I probably would have more healthier relationships.
Speaker 2:I think it's without that, though, you wouldn't have learned, and I think we all go through different phases and stages of these things. I think it's just amazing that you're there now, because there's some people that just never get there. I've definitely dealt with like anxiety in my life, but I have a pretty good handle on it, and there are situations within dating that are that still bring that out, but I think overall, I've done enough work on myself to be a bit more secure than anxious, like I. I do have my moments, but I also don't fly off the handle most of the time. Sometimes I have my moments, but I don't go like too rogue. I'm sure you're fine, but it's, I think, people. I think that's right.
Speaker 1:Voided people can drive a person nuts even secure attachment. I think that people that are playing games, or we all are we all, and the longer you're dating too, there's a difference between you and I in terms of our dating situation. In some regards, I'm fresh out of a divorce, fresher out of a divorce, and you're. You've been dating for a while and there's a difference.
Speaker 1:If you ask me in four years, I'd be like god damn, this is fucking, this is yeah, getting ridiculous now, like the one or two date, because I don't see, I don't know, unless I crash into somebody, I just don't see. I am of the mindset that the modern dating doesn't lead to much. These days.
Speaker 1:The theory is that it doesn't. I don't know, Unless you live in a small town where your selection is smaller, I'm not quite sure that you end up in relationships anymore. I think that first relationship, those first couple of relationships, when you're in your twenties and stuff start to like you're a little bit more motivated, it makes sense there's. You know other people are doing it, but I don't know. At our age it's just like it seems like everybody's. The more healthy somebody is mentally Um, and the more of a catch they are, the more they're, the more they're okay.
Speaker 2:there also might not be as much urgency because I think in your 20s and the early 30s, especially for women, there's a bit of a biological clock that is driving the force, and not to say that can't be the case for men too, but I think it's a little bit more for women and you don't have that that necessarily, that urgency as we get older and so that that could lead to some frustration if people aren't looking to settle down in any way. But it's OK, like I'm not going to change my approach or who I am, just to be with someone. It'll happen when it happens.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna go back to the caveman days and just club around the head.
Speaker 2:There you go, I like it, try it tonight. All right, I have some random, like little topics for you. How do you feel about read receipts on text messages?
Speaker 1:I didn't really know they were a thing until a year ago and I'm pretty sure I have mine turned off. I don't know. Can other people see if I read their texts?
Speaker 2:If you read their texts.
Speaker 1:Can they see if I read their texts?
Speaker 2:Only if you have that turned on your phone. I'm not quite sure I do, you don't? It says delivered sometimes. That's fine, but normally, like if there's a read receipt, it'll say when they read it.
Speaker 1:Oh, I don't think that's good for anxious attachment, or. I don't know or anybody I don't think it's, I don't even think. I don't think it's nice.
Speaker 2:I don't know why it's necessary yeah. Your fucking read. Come on, it went through.
Speaker 1:Yeah, in the history of text met modern texting, it's, they always go through they went through, if anything they read it the minute that it fucking got there, so like um, yeah, turn that off on your phone.
Speaker 2:That's bullshit like I kind of wonder why people have it turned on. What's the thought I mean? We mean people, our age probably don't know how to turn it off, because it took me a while to figure that one out. I have a friend that has it turned on. I'll ask her why. Maybe she likes to mess with people and whatever. I don't want people to know particularly.
Speaker 1:I don't want people to know I'm engaged in the evenings I'm a big fan of. I turn my notifications off at 6.37 at night and yeah my phone.
Speaker 2:Do you have the notification where it says silent mode this person has silent mode on.
Speaker 1:I just don't want to be bothered.
Speaker 2:Do you see? But there's a notification. If I go to text, you turn silent mode on your phone. Put it in sleep mode or whatever. Yeah, I go to Cause then it'll say, though, with some people, if you have it turned on, it'll say this person has that turned on, and then it'll let you like, notify anyways, which I think is rude.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, I've had people. If you call twice, it'll go through.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that really annoys me.
Speaker 1:I have my buddy, james, does it all the time Way to throw him under the bus, Because he knows how well, he doesn't listen to my podcast he does not even on social media. I'd be surprised if he does. Corey is white, me in Westport. Yeah, I just don't want to be bothered at night. What about Particularly when I'm stoned, because then I'm like no money.
Speaker 2:What about people that message you on, if they have your, if you text through your phone, but then they choose to message you like through Instagram or social media? Does that bother you or do you think I think anything of that?
Speaker 1:Obviously people send me posts or people that if I were to send you a message.
Speaker 2:Hey, when do you want to record the next podcast, or?
Speaker 1:don't do it, leila, don't do it, it's a child coming up, it's a child.
Speaker 2:No, there's people walking up to the neighbor's house we're good what do you think the motive is behind that?
Speaker 1:why and what?
Speaker 2:using social media to message instead of text message.
Speaker 1:I don't mind when people text me through Instagram. I'm looking at Instagram just as much as my text.
Speaker 2:So I don't. I think it's a way for people to get read receipts, but you don't get a text message. I probably didn't know that.
Speaker 1:I don't think any of my people I'm not a very my friends aren't as engaged in my life as maybe your friends are with yours. Like I would love a little bit more action from my friends, but they're.
Speaker 2:No, there's, there's plenty of people I do message with like actively on on like Instagram, and normally it's cause we're like sharing posts back and forth, but if it's other than that, it's usually like via text message. So when somebody will randomly switch over and be like what are you doing this weekend? Do you want to hang out? And it's. Did you want a read receipt Like, why didn't you just text me this?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't know, the read receipts are stupid. Yeah, but I always wonder if that's why. But anyhow, I mean, I wouldn't mind having them on my emails, some of my emails, but I know there's a way to do that. Just because it would be nice to know that my client got the term sheet.
Speaker 2:I sent them. Dude, there are people that request a read receipt all the time on email and I decline it.
Speaker 1:It's nice to know. I send a lot of spam. I wouldn't call it spam, I'm not crazy about it, but I do. I have lists and I send out. I have to like that's my means. I would like to know they read it. Yeah, I don't give a shit about that, but if somebody texts me back and said I saw that you read my text, why didn't you respond to me? I'd be like you're a fucking fuck, you. That's boundaries. I don't need to respond to you today. Tomorrow. I'll respond to you when I want to, like I have friends too that call, only call, and I just want to rain their neck. I'm like and I've told them before I was like I do not like talking when I don't want to talk.
Speaker 1:I hate talking on the phone. It's too um, it's too uh, and I know this is what we used to do. The phone used to ring. We didn't even know who it was when we were kids yeah but now with texting and stuff like I don't like being put on the spot.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so what do you think about? We're going to move on to another topic. You ready.
Speaker 1:Yeah, okay.
Speaker 2:What's your opinion of open relationships?
Speaker 1:Open relationships.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Like in marriage or relationships Either way. I mean, I'm not a fan myself, but I have been on the receiving end of open relationships. I've had friends quote unquote from my past show up in my life that are married and wanted another round. Okay, and I'm not going to deny that as a single man, I'll put that out there. I don't see how it can be Again. I haven't made it past four years of marriage or eight years in a relationship, and I didn't have an unhealthy sexual relationship in any of my relationships.
Speaker 1:So I think you figure out how to keep it real with your person. But at the same time, I think if I was married to somebody for 20 years and we were it was. We had a serious conversation about it and I wanted to try it and we loved each other then and there's a safe way to do it. Then sure, I am not going to judge people. I do judge, I do question people that come out the gates. E&m, like, how do you commit to somebody like what's like?
Speaker 2:what is the, what is the relationship at that?
Speaker 1:point. And again, that's maybe that's old school jewel, that we're getting older and I can't. I don't want to judge anybody on anything, but I'm a little bit like isn't that?
Speaker 2:what kind of made the commitment? Yeah, like a big part of it at least right.
Speaker 1:I've had people that are in E&M approach me and try to court me and blah blah, and I've been in these situations. I'm just like. I don't like. I'm all. I'm a very sexual person. I'll get involved in certain things, but not with another man by any means. But if your partner wants to have sex with me and she's attractive, sure, why not? I'll ride my singleness. What about you?
Speaker 2:It's not for me.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:It's not for me in a relationship.
Speaker 1:I certainly don't want my fucking person to be fucking other men. That's not my jam, no.
Speaker 2:That's yeah, it's not for me, I'm not judging people.
Speaker 1:Some people get off on that.
Speaker 2:I think great judging people Some people get off on that I think great for people that can make it work. I think they have to have, like, certain boundaries in place, and there are. I think it's not like a judgment, it's just not for me. And I do find it interesting though, and I don't know, I don't know that I know anyone that is doing it like successfully.
Speaker 1:People that are doing it.
Speaker 2:I know people that swing.
Speaker 1:I know people that are on field. I know people that are obviously One of the situations I was in. She claims that her husband it's his kink that other men want desire his wife I could see that. I think it is. It's more of a kink I could see that.
Speaker 2:I think my experience is that I think there's a lot of at least on as a woman I think there's a lot of men that might lie about the openness of their marriage, to get like a little side piece.
Speaker 1:And there's all kinds of married men on the apps.
Speaker 2:So that's where I just I don't, yeah, I just I like I don't really want the drama, I don't know, but just that's not for me.
Speaker 1:I'm either in a relationship If you're asking me relationship-wise or dating-wise?
Speaker 2:absolutely not. Would you have an open relationship? Absolutely not. Yeah, no, I wouldn't either.
Speaker 1:I'm talking like again if it was somebody else and they want to have sex with me and it's easy for me. Again, I'm a sexual person. If it's me and my partner, fuck. No, we're going to be a good partner. We're going to be good partners. Sex is going to be something we work on.
Speaker 1:We're like I said it's going to take me a decade or two, to get to a point where I'm like, should we consider this? And I don't even think I'd be the one to bring up that question. I think at that point you're like let's be friends, and it's this whole idea of, it's this whole idea of again, I don't want to judge people, but they're like separating particularly the people that are going into it. E&m all the way. What are you doing? Like, how are you establishing?
Speaker 2:a relationship. You want like a partner in life.
Speaker 2:Life, but not necessarily you want to put somebody in the friends over here and fuck everybody else I it's way easier also for a woman to go around and have sex than it is for a man I've told a female friend of mine that I was like why don't we just get married and have an open relationship, like exclusively open, like I'm not gonna do anything with you, I'm just gonna have men on the side? Yeah, that's the only way I'd consider it. So at that point it's more about having a life partner.
Speaker 1:It'd be interesting to bring. This is more prevalent now in younger people it's I think it's been going on forever for the dawn of time there's, but I think older people are just some more discreet about it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm just curious. I'm just curious where I don't know. I commend people that are able to do that. I feel like I that would. I that would mess with my head a bit too much. I don't like that.
Speaker 1:I'm not open to it I'm not open to it, it's I mean, it says so on, so I feel like we should go into our game session.
Speaker 2:The. There are 10, but I have a few. I have a few for you that I worked on, since we all saw you. All right, we had a listener who submitted one. There are 10. Oops, that was the one that we did. There are 10, but trashed the entire house looking for their vape. Thank you, I don't know that I can answer.
Speaker 1:I think I should ask you this one because I used to vape and my ex-wife had to deal with that all the time and she probably knows very well what that was like for me. But I think that's a problem.
Speaker 2:But again, a little addicted. Maybe there's still a 10. So you do you honey, okay. But so that's not like a turnoff for you.
Speaker 1:I think vaping would be a turnoff for me. I don't really want to be around because I was addicted to nicotine for a good part of my life like I don't. Any sort of nicotine is not good for me, particularly the vapes, because if they're around I'll do it you want it, yeah.
Speaker 2:But what about if they do vape? Say so, say you're okay with that, but they're trash in the house looking for it because they misplaced it.
Speaker 1:I think it's a problem. They should probably fix the turn off off, yeah, at least. Okay, there's still a 10, though.
Speaker 2:But you're like there's still a 10. There may be a 9.9.
Speaker 1:When they're done, we're still going to have a good time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, okay, so you're good there. All right, I have some other ones for you.
Speaker 1:How about? There are 10, but they have cats. Oh, more than one cat.
Speaker 2:It's a man, gosh. I feel like this is basically like a deal or no deal. They are a 10. Okay, do I have to put a number on this? Folks? I'm failing at my own game. I basically say yay or nay. Number. I'm stalling, I'm thinking about that.
Speaker 1:I question men with cats.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I really don't. I'm thinking about that. I question men with cats. Yeah, I really don't. Like, I appreciate cats that other people have, but I don't really want one in my own home. So I think if they are not going to get rid of the cats, it's like a no-go.
Speaker 1:But they're a 10.
Speaker 2:It's a no-go. I don't know, like they're a 10, man. Could the cats be made outdoor? You're really trying to make this work, just trying to be more open-minded just take layla here, she'll kill them I'm trying to be more open mind. Can I poison that? No, I'm kidding can they be?
Speaker 1:could I create a?
Speaker 2:cat room. The thing is I don't like that cat. First of all, there need to be some boundaries around who's cleaning the litter box and how often. And the other thing is cats like spray and do things that just can't be undone. No, they're fucking animals. I don't like it. I would say it's a pass for me.
Speaker 1:But everybody's cat is different than the other cat.
Speaker 2:So maybe they're just somebody to have some fun with, but not gonna have a relationship with them, not gonna live with them you can destroy my house looking for your vape and have sex with me, but then you can go home.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly, you're not.
Speaker 2:You can't bring your cat with you, though yeah okay, so what about? Hang on? They're a 10, but they're always late.
Speaker 1:Oh, always, I dealt with this for a long time. Sorry, lauren, I can't do it again. I can't. I'm way too punctual and it drives me nuts. My therapist told me this that about his wife that they just take, they go separately because it drives him, because I'm the same way, I'm like I fucking hate being late.
Speaker 2:I think it's so could you deal with that? Yeah?
Speaker 1:I would deal with it like him. I'd just be like, look, you're gonna go separately and you're gonna be okay with that if you're always gonna be late what about if you guys have a date night? It's annoying to me yeah again, she's a 10, so I'd probably get over it. Figure it out built up frustration. Painting them I'm not good I'm not good at this game because I'm like she's a 10, so like why she can destroy my house looking for a vape.
Speaker 2:It's probably late for all the date.
Speaker 1:Put them all together I can't, I don't want to do cats though so you just have fun with them then. And dogs in the bed I swipe left on girls that write that you better be okay with dogs on the bed. That happens all the time too. I'm like no man wants to fucking have sexy time with you and your dog. No, I agree um dogs are gross in that regard. You don't want them in your bed.
Speaker 2:They're a 10, but they can't hold down a job for like more than six months.
Speaker 1:I don't know Sure.
Speaker 2:Maybe we should just make these red flag deal breakers, because the fact that they're a 10 is really throwing you off with this game.
Speaker 1:Yeah, okay, I mean, am I marrying them? Am I fucking them? Are they like, am I just having them over for dinner, like what?
Speaker 2:is this. Would you be in a relationship with them?
Speaker 1:If they can't hold down a job.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Not if I have to support them yeah.
Speaker 2:Okay, hold down a job, yeah, not. If I have to support them, yeah, okay. So how about if they're a seven?
Speaker 1:we're gonna we're gonna take it down a notch and then you're gonna bring them up.
Speaker 2:No, they're seven, they're seven but they can't hold down a job for more than six months I don't date sevens oh, you're such a dick. Oh, my god, I love the honesty.
Speaker 1:Okay, cool um I'm just kidding, but no, you're not. If she's a seven and she can't hold down a job, then there's I don't know, maybe she needs to work harder okay, you ready for another one? One more more yeah.
Speaker 2:Only one more. Okay, man, I got some good ones for our next episode.
Speaker 1:I feel like I should come up with one, but I don't have one.
Speaker 2:Well, think about it there. Well, I don't like the. There a 10 for you, Just do?
Speaker 1:red flag, green flag.
Speaker 2:Okay, red flag.
Speaker 1:Sure Freed doesn't come after us.
Speaker 2:He's aggressive these days. I'm pretty sure there's other games that could.
Speaker 1:Him and Jordana got a little tiff the other day. You should listen to it. It's funny.
Speaker 2:There's also games and stuff that are, has he patented or whatever it's called? I think he's the term Red Flag, green Flag, okay, whatever, hot or not, how about that? Okay, hot or not, these are all gonna be knots, but there we need. How about? My friend sent me the term or the game or whatever.
Speaker 1:Smash or pass, so we'll just oh, I saw that smash or pass okay, yeah, because I was like what's a smash mean here?
Speaker 2:is it like that you would smash them? Or like smash, like you're out of here, like smack, anyway. So I was schooled on that. So it's smash or pass or the options there are 10, but they have a really annoying voice.
Speaker 1:Fran dress Fran Drescher.
Speaker 2:As annoying as it gets. Uh, uh, there's seven, then smash. I'd still smash them, okay, but there are seven, so you can't say 10, because I'd still smash them okay get over a lot of shit if there are 10 okay, but it takes them to maybe a step, so you still smash but not date them. We got to figure out some terms here, because otherwise the they're a 10.
Speaker 2:But blah, blah doesn't work for you just don't say, you just say smash or pass okay pass annoying voice, you wouldn't smash them well, they're not a 10 anymore, right I don't know what they look like. Well, I have to if I didn't know what fr.
Speaker 1:Drescher looked like I wouldn't smash her.
Speaker 2:But what if they are a 10 and they have a really annoying voice? Whatever.
Speaker 1:I can't. I'll get over it, just not the cat thing Are we done now.
Speaker 2:Is that all we have time for?
Speaker 1:We're doing pretty good on time. Yeah, we're over an hour.
Speaker 2:I think I know your answer on this one. They return your text with a phone call Pass, you're out of here. And on that note, we're out of here. We're out of here. We got things to do.
Speaker 1:Manuel, I love you. Thank you. I like Silly Saturday. And to all of our listeners, we appreciate you. Share the podcast, follow us on Instagram. We're going to try to do things that engage you more, but we want to hear your stories, dating stories, what you're struggling with in life, what's what you're killing it at. We want to hear your success stories. We just want to hear from you. Shoot us an email if you want, at joel, at only one podcastcom, and with that, this has been out bye.
