Midlife Uncensored
Midlife Uncensored-Real Life Discussions from Over the Hillis the no-holds-barred podcast you didn’t know you needed. Hosted by Joel Poppert, aka Poppy—the friendly Sasquatch with an epic beard—and his fiery co-host, Emanuela Messineo, aka E, this show unapologetically dives into the chaos, comedy, and WTF moments of midlife. If you’re 35-55 and ready to embrace the rollercoaster of aging, this podcast is your new home base.
Poppy and E tackle everything from modern dating disasters in the hilarious sub-series The Love Laugh Lounge (the “festivus” of dating) to real-life shit like divorce, mental breakdowns, balding, sagging tits, and figuring out how to parent while still figuring yourself out and maybe dealing with an unhinged ex. With a blend of interview episodes and no-expert-needed banter (except when we bring on experts), these two cut through the BS and get real about midlife—no filters, no sugarcoating, just pure, unfiltered truth with a heavy dose of humor. Expect raw, relatable stories, unfiltered guidance, tough love, easy happiness, and a few episodes where the comedy comes from alcohol infused banter, because who give a fuck, right?
Whether you’re dealing with the joys of aging, trying to keep your sanity while raising kids, or attempting to find love in a sea of idiots, Midlife Uncensored has your back. Expect a few F-bombs, some belly laughs, and a whole lot of honesty as Poppy and E rip the band-aid off midlife and give you permission to thrive in this beautifully messy chapter. It's not just about surviving midlife—it's about unfucking it and owning it! This is your community; we are in it together!
Midlife Uncensored
The Art of Owning Alone: From Mid-Life Crisis to Self Awareness and Discovery
Life’s challenges often lead us to profound self-awareness and growth. In this episode, Joel and Emanuela check back in on the history "owning alone," and what it truly means. We open up about our personal journeys, discussing how Joel's midlife crisis and the solitude that follows major life changes can lead to deeper self-understanding. Hear a candid story about overcoming loss and divorce, and how these experiences reshape our approach to life and relationships. As we reflect on the significance of internal and external awareness, we share insights into building healthier, more fulfilling connections with ourselves and others.
Ever felt trapped by a victim mentality? We tackle this pervasive issue, emphasizing the importance of taking ownership of our circumstances and fostering emotional resilience. Through a heartfelt discussion, we highlight the significance of setting healthy boundaries and fostering self-trust. To lighten things up, we end with a fun debate on generational fashion trends and play the quirky game "They're a 10, But..." Don’t miss out on this blend of humor, introspection, and practical advice for navigating life’s hurdles.
How to Engage with Us
- Email us at joel@owningalonepodcast.com
- DM us on Instagram midlifeuncensored
- Follow Joel on IG jpoppert
- Follow Emanuela on IG emanuela5683 or accountability_with_e
Thanks for joining the Owning Alone community, I certainly appreciate you!
All right, all right, all right. Welcome back to another episode of the Owning Alone podcast with your favorite Sasquatch Poppy and Emanuela Mesneo. Sorry y'all, I know it's been a couple weeks, but you know it's summer and we're having a good time. Before we get started here, remember we need you. We want you to follow us on Instagram, at owningalone, follow our person accounts and, most importantly, share share with the world. We're doing cool things, and you can also email us at joel at owningalonepodcastcom. Eventually, we are going to update the cover so that, like, emanuela is officially on the cover, because it's just my fine ass and some white sasquatch, so I will. We're gonna have a new cover coming out soon, which is exciting, and we're doing cool things. So we made it through the fucking 2024 heat wave in colorado is like 105 degrees, which really wasn't that bad, and so how you doing, emmanuelle? You just got back from myrtle beach yes, sir.
Speaker 2:Um, yeah, I've worked on my tan a little bit and, uh, I missed the heat wave here, but it was hot as fuck and humid there I'm sure it is. This is what july and the east coast southern east coast in florida on tuesday.
Speaker 1:Thank god for the breeze on the southern east coast In Florida on Tuesday. Thank.
Speaker 2:God for the breeze on the beach to help me work on my tan, and I've been trying a new strategy this year to avoid using sunscreen, and that includes me.
Speaker 1:What Don't do that?
Speaker 2:It's not good for you. I'm Italian, but my strategy this year was to go outside for like 15 to 30 minutes on my rooftop and get a little sun, and that way I could build up a nice base. And it worked, did not burn. I did use sunscreen on the beach, but um yeah. So now I have a nice tan and I gotta try to keep it I have a different strategy.
Speaker 1:in our old age I lather myself up with my lather, my head, my neck, my nose, my ears, the top of my hands with sunscreen, and then I wear a hooded sun shirt.
Speaker 2:Oh my God, although when I was in.
Speaker 1:Florida a couple of weeks ago. I would do 20 minutes and let it soak in, but I don't like getting burnt. Skin cancer scares me, um, and I've done a really good job of looking like I'm in my 20s and my 40s. I'm just kidding. I'm finally actually the people that grew up with me. To all you guys that listened to me from my childhood, I'm finally catching up to the age that I used to fake when I was in high school 21?. I had an ID that said, I was 28 in high school.
Speaker 2:Oh, look at you.
Speaker 1:I don't think anybody believed that, but I had a fairly large beard in high school too. No one ever questioned me. I was in Party in the Bars in Madison when I was like 17.
Speaker 2:Look at you. Yeah the good old days, just growing up so fast.
Speaker 1:The good old days of partying Growing up so fast Partying.
Speaker 2:So of partying, growing up so fast Partying. So you're going to be 29 this year.
Speaker 1:I started telling people I was 25 for a good 15 years. Now I tell people I'm 26.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:I told a girl the other day I was clearly joking. I was at this river festival and I was like where do you all live? I was like we got all excited. I was like where do you guys all live? Cause? I was like where do you all live? There's all these people coming out of everywhere downtown. I'm like cause it's expensive now.
Speaker 2:And.
Speaker 1:Doug and I were like where are all these fucking young people live and how they afford it?
Speaker 2:Oh, my God yeah.
Speaker 1:So I was asking this girl and I was like, yeah, and I smile that I'm not quite sure if she thought I was being funny or lying, but I don't think I pass for 32 anymore either.
Speaker 2:So I'm a solid 43.
Speaker 1:That's my age, though, and that's what I look like. I'll be 44 next month.
Speaker 2:I just always say I don't need to look younger.
Speaker 1:I just would like to not look older, yeah, so I need to start doing yoga I also.
Speaker 2:I started doing. Pilates. Now I clearly have some issues happening in my body because I'm at the chiropractor twice a week right now, so you don't have to tell me about that.
Speaker 1:I'm just creaking in the morning but I'm going to get through it, that's okay, I've been doing Pilates every day. That's funny that I'm home not on vacation.
Speaker 2:The reformer Pilates. Yeah, I had to give up orange theory right now because my body was angry at me. Pilates is the way I'm going right now, and so far, so good. I did not do that while I was on vacation. I did go for some walks on the beach, though, and the I wanted to swim more than I did, but the waves were really strong, but I don't know. Obviously they always are, but I, yeah, I did not feel like going under, so I didn't go in very far.
Speaker 2:You didn't feel like going under, getting ripped, getting no my friend got hit by a pretty big wave and hit her head on the bottom of the whatever, I think, last week too that's cool. I'm really glad I didn't go. You don't want to?
Speaker 1:go swimming during shark week. They know I I bet they do. They come in for the attention and they might they've been saving all year. For it they've been waiting all year I don't worry about the sharks, I worry about the fucking jellyfish oh, somebody was telling me that there were a bunch of jellyfish out, but I didn't see any.
Speaker 2:So there's all kinds of shit in the ocean.
Speaker 1:Man, that just freaks me out, I don't I like swimming in it, but then I get it in my head.
Speaker 2:I'm like there's no sasquatch in there, though you don't know sasquatch down under probably mermaid type sasquatches. There's my.
Speaker 1:How do you think the mermaids procreate? Somebody's got to be running around. There we go Putting their seed in them.
Speaker 2:I think we just discovered the cover of our. You can have the Sasquatch and I'll have the mermaid Sasquatch.
Speaker 1:All right, we'll figure that out.
Speaker 2:Calling all artists we have not.
Speaker 1:We need somebody to come up with the first original sasquatch mermaid. I guarantee even if you google it, it's a dead spot we just came up with well, there was a dead spot in the podcast world.
Speaker 2:Now there's.
Speaker 1:It's okay, it's what that nirvana cover with the little kid yes, people just came to my mind for some reason. All right, we're going oh my gosh, we're going down.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I swear, what do you call it? Have you been drinking all day?
Speaker 1:I'm just kidding I wish today would have been one of those days where I should have started drinking at two.
Speaker 2:It's just like I don't know I feel like last time I did that was last week, but I was on vacation, so that was a different story. It's been exhausting.
Speaker 1:Like I said, I tried to, I started the. I started a 16-8 fasting schedule um, which I'm committed to. I want to get through it or at least see if I can. I at least want to give it a couple weeks and to see if I acclimate, because I think it would be good for my body and I'm trying to lose weight. But yeah, it definitely has some side effects not as much during it's just, yeah, I'm just like a little less focused.
Speaker 1:That's not terrible, but then around like one, my body's starving a little bit. I can feel that mostly in the mornings after I work out, and then I'm a little bit irritable in the afternoon.
Speaker 2:Yeah, those are natural side effects.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but other than that it's fine.
Speaker 2:I mean you could go the hard route and let me coach you. Yeah, I'm not very good at getting coached.
Speaker 1:I'm a very, very stubborn person.
Speaker 2:Our relationship is probably healthier if we.
Speaker 1:I do like your little advice, your advice here and there, but most of it I do everything my own way.
Speaker 2:No, that's fine. I think that's all. Slowly chip away at helping you find better options.
Speaker 1:If you want to know how stubborn I am, ask my ex-wife.
Speaker 2:I believe you and I believe her. I don't yeah.
Speaker 1:I'll throw myself under the bus.
Speaker 2:So what else? All right. So you went to the river for that little festival. That looked like fun Heat wave.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that was fun.
Speaker 2:Did you go to the mountains or do any rafting or anything?
Speaker 1:No, Since our last episode, I don't think so. I literally have been in my house just for I don't know a while. I've been working on the house. I've been working a ton. I've been working on the house. I've been working a ton, I've been reading a bunch, but my house is getting, I'm definitely getting it into shape for if I want to rent it or something, so that's, I still keep. Every time I take something off the list, I clean my fucking blinds by the way I've never cleaned them before.
Speaker 1:Like for all you people out there, here's a pro tip coming from a 43-year-old adult Clean your blinds every year, instead of waiting five years and you won't have to spend six hours cleaning your blinds.
Speaker 2:I had to soak them in the tub.
Speaker 1:Take them out, scrub them on a table outside, spray them off, dry them off.
Speaker 2:What you doing in your house there, the Colorado dust man.
Speaker 1:They'd never been cleaned, so I don't know when they. I never cleaned them since I moved in and some of them were like the backsides were like brown and just there's a little bit of staining, but gotten new ones would have been pricey you know how cheap I am I know I'm gonna Saving up for a sailboat.
Speaker 2:Jeez, we're going down rabbit holes. Let's move on to our topic.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:You want to kick us off?
Speaker 1:Yeah, so today we were going to revisit the owning a loan thesis and the theory and where it came from and where we're at. Where I'm at, I don't know if this is all about me or what.
Speaker 2:I think you wanted to start this podcast, obviously, and so I was curious for you to just share a little bit about how you got here.
Speaker 1:The podcast has been an extension of my journey post divorce, dad's death, and it all started with this sort of freight train of my midlife crisis. And then my freight train hit a fucking. It just went off the rails and hit a wall.
Speaker 1:Yeah it wasn't like it wasn't like it took a bad turn or started to go off the rails. It was really like my midlife crisis happened during I was in a relationship that wasn't working. There was a lot of fighting and there was also a lot of love. That just wasn't healthy and it created a lot of anxiety and stress. And when I'm outside of my element, I tend to be a little crazy. This is how I function. I'm a very in my head thinking all the time slightly ADHD, like just my character and my uniqueness is also balanced with a little bit of crazy.
Speaker 1:Like it's not bad, crazy it's I think everybody could say that right yeah, there's a spectrum of all things no, there's a spectrum and I like my crazy I I encourage people to lean into their crazy. I'm not crazy where I'm impacting people's lives, at least not always. But so yeah, and that was. We tripled down the whole story. We tripled down on our relationship, moved down to Costa Rica, bought a fucking investment property, put a bunch of money down. That was an experience that created a lot of stress and then dad died of a brain aneurysm and I had to fly up to Wisconsin, never went back to Costa Rica again and just hit the fucking wall right and everything went numb and everything that created anxiety or worries and all this stuff went just got put into perspective.
Speaker 1:Right, it was very easy for me to have the real conversation about separation and divorce. I had to focus on taking care of my family and being with my family and my mom and my dad died, and then I took the opportunity to reflect on who I was and the choices I was making in my life and realized that I needed to really go back to the drawing board and figure out who Joel was and get a grip on the relationship with myself. So I think the owning alone part was born from the need or the choice to embrace solitude and work on this right and that sort of grew into. When I think of owning your alone now and when I expand upon people that are just like embracing solitude, which I think is a practice that people should use, or a tool, or if you're trying to figure out how to build a relationship with yourself, I think solitude is a very good start. I think healthy solitude and then it evolved into owning alone meant building these healthy relationships with yourself, prioritizing yourself, right, this sort of ability to own your shit, own yourself, own your convictions, know who you are. And then where it evolved to in my brain is it's awareness, right, like, at the end of the day, the core and the foundation of it is awareness. The more that you know yourself and to know yourself you need to have internal and external awareness, it just all comes back to awareness. And then that journey just kept going and going to where I am today.
Speaker 1:I don't have all the answers, but I am definitely a different person. There's no doubt about it, and it's been a little bit of a. It's certainly been a roller coaster of things. It's not an easy thing for a man to move, or anybody to move, through that sort of midlife crisis, middle age, divorce, death. It was the first death of my life. That was of somebody that was close to and and then really sticking to it. Sticking to it like sticking to the awareness thing and not slipping, and sticking to your principles, but also being like flexible enough to let them evolve and to grow and to challenge yourself. And I don't know you and I have talked about this that just came out the other end, like after two years of there's pros and cons to it. But the real foundational stuff is crazy to me and just how I handle things, how I approach life.
Speaker 2:So do you feel like you didn't have that awareness or that relationship with yourself before? Or do you feel like you changed or grew and needed a minute to figure out that new person? Did you have that awareness before? No, all this.
Speaker 1:Or do you feel like um, I think I've always had good external awareness and I've had I think I've had reasonable self-awareness, but I think I never had the. I think I was lazy about it and I was weak and I was timid about setting boundaries or and I wanted everybody to be. I wanted everybody to like me and I was. Some of my convictions were unthoughtful, relative to other people.
Speaker 1:I was boisterous in some ways that I'm a little embarrassed about at this point. So yes and no. Like I've always been like a everybody's always liked poppy, I've always been a. A people pleasers isn't the right word. I don't think about people pleaser, I'm a people person, right? I?
Speaker 2:think I've always sort of liked or just that kind of thing, or I think, of all people have always liked me.
Speaker 1:I think people that have, I think people in my life that were maybe close to me probably had liked me and loved me. But there was also a good and there was good and bad. That came with Poppy right, because I think I didn't have a lot of awareness of how I was impacting other people or, yeah, I didn't have a lot of good. I didn't take the time to think about what was going on in other people's lives, like I have now, like I'm very cognizant, or try to be very cognizant, of why people are doing the things they're doing, why they feel the way they feel where they're at with their lives, so that I can respond empathetically and appropriately and meet them where they are. I'm very I carry much less judgment of people.
Speaker 2:How did that all come to be?
Speaker 1:I think I just give everybody the benefit of the doubt. First, I don't give people a pass to abuse me or to make me feel a certain way. I cut those people out pretty quick. But I give people a pass that we don't. Like I said we've mentioned this before on the podcast is everybody's an iceberg right, and we, if we're unless we're really close or they're our partner or their family we don't see what's underneath the water all of the time. So we have to take the. We have to take the clues that they give us through conversation and asking questions or their behavior or just practical stuff. If you're a single mother of three kids, clearly have some awareness around what's going on in that person's life and why maybe they're snappy today. Or if they just lost a person, like maybe check up on them or just like having some awareness around why maybe they're acting the way they're acting, or even if they're not acting a certain way, just having the awareness around somebody's life yeah and meeting them where they're at it can create a very thoughtful approach as to how we respond to them
Speaker 1:and then that awareness just isn't at the personal level, that awareness also is at the macro level. Where they're at, it can create a very thoughtful approach as to how we respond to them. And then that awareness just isn't at the personal level, that awareness also is at the macro level, right, the societal level, like how we respond to politics or all the different things that happen in our life, taking a macro approach to why our whole country seems to be losing its mind.
Speaker 2:What about Browns? Fans Browns fans.
Speaker 1:yeah, Do you want to talk about the Cleveland Browns? No, I don't.
Speaker 2:I had my spiel, as I was telling you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I mean that. So you know if we were going to go. Owning a loan equals certain things. Owning a loan definitely equals awareness. This awareness and this ability this sort of continued journey of understanding yourself and understanding the world and understanding people, and patience.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was going to say patience, and then you are describing to just having just empathy for people and understanding that everyone's like a pretty dynamic and if we're judging other people's names, that might be a projection of our own, like what we have going on or frustrations, and so I like that you've really tapped into your empathy and being a little more like open minded with people, not taking it personally. That's like a lot of, I think. When we take things personally and get really worked up about things, it's a lot of wasted energy too. Um, good for you for figuring that out.
Speaker 1:There's a lot of people out there having full-on meltdowns all the time it's and it's a lot of it's on social.
Speaker 2:It's a build-up right, it's like a. I think it's a build-up. And actually I have another question for you about the whole concept around midlife crisis and that you've mentioned a couple of times, and just also that there might be some level of that. All along. You've mentioned a few times today and in the past, a midlife crisis. So what to you is a midlife crisis? Like? Why does it happen? What's, what is that about? Or maybe just even talk about your own situation.
Speaker 2:You are, and then, like me, I don't know, just give me more information about that.
Speaker 1:So I think I think that certain people probably feel these things more than others. I think that there's probably men and women out there that just never have a crisis, and I like to. Maybe I'm dramatizing mine and maybe it's just normal, but we all know, if you've listened enough to this podcast, that I'm in my head I've got a narrator. I'm very well read. I'm always thinking, I'm always analyzing. I'm a well read. I'm always thinking. I'm always analyzing. I'm a Virgo. If you're into astrology, I am constantly assessing, not just my life, it's not a comparison thing, I'm just like. I'm always thinking about stuff. I'm always thinking forward backwards, blah, blah, blah. Bless Eckhart Tolle. I read both his books. I'm sorry, I just can't. It's hard for me to live in the now and I struggle with Is that a Virgo thing?
Speaker 1:Maybe I struggle with. I'm also not a huge planner. I respond to things. I'm more MacGyver in my life. I like to just go with the flow. But there are, I think, the weight of my age and I know I'm not super old I'm 43, but like I'm old enough now where I can see the other side of my life. And the part of the crisis was am I doing the right thing with my career? Am I with the right person? Am I capable of being in relationships? Blah, blah, blah. It keeps going and going. Am I living in the right place? Should? Life is short? I should be traveling tomorrow and yesterday, blah, blah, and I haven't traveled enough. And then sometimes, when you're weak, you go into the victim thing where I wasn't born into a super wealthy family.
Speaker 1:There's not like this and that, like I'm not making enough money and like all this stuff and you just go down this road. So that's to me it was part of the crisis, was like and then I had to give up. I gave up kids, right, like the idea of having children and and just, and then it was like if I did have children, I'm going to be the old dad and like, where did time go? And I just felt it and I still feel it and I have awareness around it and I have awareness around just about everything. Most of the time now I can get there really quickly, so things don't take me down in an impractical way, but I feel it. And I know other people I've talked to that I won't name names are also feeling it male friends of mine that are feeling this sort of like. I'm never going to date a 20 year old again because I'm 43. And I thought you were 32. Yeah, I'm 32.
Speaker 2:I could, but it's it gets more and more creepy every year I get older.
Speaker 1:And the reality is I'd rather date women more my age. And yeah, it's just one day, I guess you just wake up and you're like man. I'm not 20 something years old anymore, I'm not in a relationship, which is that's fine with me, but I don't know. I just felt it.
Speaker 1:I wanted to go back to the victim thing because I think that the whole owning going back to owning alone, and I think we should do a whole episode on the midlife crisis and I am writing a book It'll come out sometime between now and before I die on the male midlife crisis and it's going to be part comedy, part reflection and part interview, anyway. But the only alone thing is this country in particular suffers from victim mentality and meltdown. Right, it's so present, it's omnipresent all the time. It's a fucking plague on this country and it's in this.
Speaker 1:Victim mentality comes from poor awareness, poor, you don't. You're not owning, you're alone. You're not owning your fucking, you don't know who you are, you don't know your shit. It's just everything that's happening in your life is somebody else's fault. And I and I don't think I've ever suffered from victim mentality and any sort of in any sort of like substantial way I'm certain I've succumbed to it at some point where I blamed everybody for things, but I've certainly been witness to this fucking shit. This is a, this is the, this is where you start, man, and hopefully you don't need a traumatic event like I did, to like shake you into this sort of I. I need to do something now, but there are so many people suffering from victim. I don't know if there's a word for you know I'm talking about right? Yeah, just everybody is everything.
Speaker 2:And see you, there's. No, I guess to me it's. It's somebody else's fault Things are that are negative, that are happening to you fault Things that are negative that are happening to you are. Yeah, just that I think. When I think of that, there are a lot of people that are giving up control of their own life and outcomes to other people and they're taking a very passive role in life, and then it's very easy to be like oh, I didn't get X, y, z and blaming other people and it's no, I mean, it's your life, nobody's gonna do that for you. No, it's this idea that people care.
Speaker 1:They don't and I don't.
Speaker 2:I think, too, it's if we're, if we're so worried about pleasing other people to get their validation or acceptance, if you're just focused on that rather than owning your alone, owning your own truth, figuring out who you are and what you need, and doing what you need to get there from, to get what it is that you want in your life. If you're not doing that, then you're giving up that control and then it would be very easy to sit here and be like upset at what did or didn't happen. You can't if you give up control, don't I don't be surprised by that.
Speaker 1:Is that kind of what you're? There is an extraordinary amount of people in this country that the victim thing has gone to a level where it's instinctual for them. They are responsible for nothing in their life because somebody else made it that way, and it's a mental health. What's? What am I looking for epidemic? It's a mental health epidemic.
Speaker 2:we're a blame society and well, it's easier to blame someone yourself, right, and hey, it's like you got to look in the mirror. You also have to recognize that people don't fucking care.
Speaker 1:The reality is people like there's only so many times that you can sit in a room with somebody that has with somebody, and if you take two people with victims, they're like opposing ends of a magnet right. They're just never going to connect because they're just going to keep there's. It's going to be a tit for tat for who is more victimized and these people need. The reason I'm talking about this is because I think there was a certain part of me towards the end of my crisis that wanted to blame. I wanted to blame my ex, I wanted to blame my wife. I wanted to blame my old self. I wanted to blame my friends. I want to blame the dog.
Speaker 1:It wasn't like extreme, but when? But I did. I used to fall into the blaming the government or this, and that the government's always an easy tag, which come to realize that the government really has very little influence on my life or impacts my life, and particularly relative to other governments and people that live in those countries. I think we're okay here, regardless of who's whatever, but I'm not going to get into that. But I think it's a. The first start of owning a loan is to realize that there could be legitimate people to blame for certain things or causes or that blah, blah, blah. But the reality is it does you no good to default to that.
Speaker 1:You get awareness around the fact that maybe your father left you or your mother left you when you were a kid and it made you X Y but it doesn't change the fact that happened, right, so you have to move on and stop blaming people and start to really take some responsibility, Because if somebody, if your husband or wife is, if it's not working and you're miserable and you guys are bad together and the children are getting impacted and blah blah, then you need to have awareness around that you have to make a decision and take some sort of action.
Speaker 2:I think, too, it's important to be able to identify what is in your control and what isn't, and doing and then also figuring out what it is that you want, what outcome do you want, and take the steps to get there. Because, you're right, you can't control, like, what other people are doing and they're they might be just thinking about what they need and want and so, um, you know, if you, I think, if you just go back to even um, everything is so like dramatic sometimes. I think now it's like a lot of the um terms that are being used and thrown around, like narcissism and all this stuff. I do understand that they're an easy.
Speaker 2:they're like an easy way to describe something, but there are. So there are like spectrums of all this and so many people are like want to label people as a narcissist or are talking about trauma and there are. I think everybody has some level of trauma, because that's just part. We're impacted by things. But there are significant levels of trauma and then like very minor levels of trauma and, anyhow, my point would be people are bubbling up. There is this like victim mentality? I do see what you're saying and I don't think that's like everybody, but you just look at it too.
Speaker 2:With some of the dating sites that I follow, there's a lot of people that are like we were just messaging in an app and then they disappeared. Is that ghosting? And it's come on. Or the people that are so worried about someone not showing up on a date that they end up like standing the other person up. So it's you want to be the victim or you might be playing that part, but really sometimes you're creating your own destiny and I think it's all rooted in some kind of fear, like you don't want to put yourself out there, so it's just easier to let things happen and then blame somebody else in a cognitive distortion is what it is the appropriate term is people are you and your fancy terms.
Speaker 1:Well, I couldn't unlearn that term, because cognitive distortions explain a lot and we all suffer from cognitive distortions.
Speaker 1:Nobody's perfect. We all suffer. The cognitive distortion theory is basically the idea that everybody perceives the world differently and everybody perceives a situation differently and some people suffer from very significant cognitive distortions. And if you suffer dramatically from cognitive distortions, there's a spectrum of cognitive distortion-ness, if we're going to call it this and the one side is basically your. What do you call it? Multiple personality psychosis, basically like where you don't see the world in reality at all.
Speaker 1:And then the lower end of the spectrum is we thought that one thing went one way and the other person thought it went another way, and then there's a middle where where a lot of people, the victim people and blah, blah blah, where people that don't have a ton of awareness, where what you were just saying, these sort of experiences they have in life, lead them to see the next time it happens in a distorted view and this distortion basically hinders them in all kinds of things. Or they become passive, or they don't do things, they don't challenge themselves and they end up in a box.
Speaker 2:There's also, in a simpler term that I like to use, the stories that we tell ourselves.
Speaker 1:I can't stop thinking about the Sasquatch Mermaid. Okay, keep going.
Speaker 2:We should just get costumes made. Oh my gosh, this is going to be our.
Speaker 1:Halloween costumes. One way to increase our audience Make YouTube videos of Sasquatch mermaids.
Speaker 2:Okay, it's a little bit of the stories that we tell ourselves, the neural pathways of, like your brain. I think your body and your brain are always trying to protect you in some way. And it's also like a little bit of maybe some like efficiency in decision-making, like there's so many decisions we make every single day and when you start to create like habits and things, your brain just takes over and goes into this overdrive. But relating to like past experiences. If there was something that hurt you or threatened you, your body is going to. Like your body and your brain are going to look for signals that might happen again and it's going to trigger like a response. And it's also sometimes just like a story that you have in your own head of on a loop or not on a loop, whatever, but like analyzing situations.
Speaker 2:This happened then X, y, z, because this has happened in the past. So I'm going to deduct that this person didn't confirm a date with me today, so they're not going to show up, even though they confirmed it last night. Like you get in your own way out of fear that the same hurtful thing that happened in the past is going to happen again. And so I cognitive distortions or whatever. I think there's just you have to break that cycle for yourself and if you are fearful of being hurt, do some for yourself, and if you are fearful of being hurt, do some work and some healing so that you can in whatever way, like some dating examples, but it could be in anything right.
Speaker 2:Like you have to just heal and trust yourself that you're gonna, that you have the tools to get through these situations and make your life what you want it to be.
Speaker 2:Like we talked about this on the last episode like there's a clock ticking. We don't know what that time like when the time runs out. I think for me, the whole midlife crisis and whatnot like I've always had this fear of ending up with the wrong person or having a miserable life with someone. That if I chose the wrong person, not enough that I wouldn't choose someone, but enough to see the signs that, like I didn't want to marry the people I've been in serious relationships with. But it doesn't stop me from going back out there and trying again, cause I have the, the, I have enough resiliency around knowing, like I I've I can handle it. But there are times that you're still hurt or you haven't healed from, like a past situation. I keep using dating examples, but you could fill in the blank with anything, so you just have to go through and heal and like maybe take time to reflect and learn something from it, because we all contribute.
Speaker 1:Pull yourself up with the bootstraps.
Speaker 2:Yeah, sure. But like taking a minute to reflect on it and see what did I contribute, how, like you can't change what other people are putting into it, but you can change what you, how you're responding or what you allow. And also, if you don't know what direction you want to go or what you want in your life, take time to think about that and create the life that you want, and stop being stop blaming other people, because Stop taking it personally too.
Speaker 2:I mean, it's like all these things are people show you who they are if they show you who they are, then take that.
Speaker 1:So the awareness thing comes around like you hear this all the time is if somebody shows you who they are, take that as a positive. Believe them, even if it was a negative what they showed you. It's a positive because now you know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 1:People are showing you who they are. Society. You're showing yourself who you are every day. Look at yourself, reflect on yourself, meditate, check in on your emotions when are they coming from? All the things and get the awareness, because awareness is where you start to be able to make the decisions and then set the boundaries. Yeah, understand your boundaries and that I think going back to the owning alone and like the foundational stuff and how, where I came to is this, doesn't this isn't like you wake up one day and you're like I'm gonna going to be aware, like I have been working, I spent a fucking year in solitude, basically Like I have one of the.
Speaker 1:You can call it a pro or a con, but one of the results of where I'm at in my journey or what happened to me, is my circle is smaller, it's healthier. I say that a lot on this podcast, but also like, for whatever reason, my desire. I'm still a very extroverted person and I love meeting new people and blah, blah, blah, but I am definitely more of a loner and I can't tell if that's a good thing or a bad thing If it's that, if it's something I haven't processed or don't have awareness around it right now.
Speaker 1:But I definitely I want to sit here and tell you that I'm super comfortable being alone and it makes me super happy and a lot of times it does because it gives me the opportunity to reflect and meditate and read, and the control I have around my routine and my life is very and I enjoy it. But at the same time, like I've gotten a little bit, probably too comfortable with it and I'm not super motivated to go out and do stuff all the time and be with people all the time, and what's happening is I feel like life is just really fucking clicking right now. It's at a clip.
Speaker 2:Do you feel like you're this shift of not being quite as extroverted, or maybe not, because you are still, I think, extroverted, but maybe just not needing that all the time? Does that come from that you're, maybe you've built up enough like self-love and that you're getting that from yourself, that you don't necessarily need it from other people?
Speaker 1:I think that's part of it, but I also think that I have a lot less tolerance for negative people, the victim type people, and I think that I think I worry a little bit about big groups of unknowns. If I take on too many people or there's too many people in my life that I don't have, because once I bring somebody into my life, I hope that they stay there and if there's too many people circulating around and let's just say, unfortunately, a chunk of them have are super negative or don't have good awareness and blah blah. Now I have a, now I'm continuously having to throw the boundary net and I'm having to and I don't like controversy.
Speaker 1:I don't like doing that. I don't like. Can I communicate? Sure I'm capable of it, I understand it and have the awareness around it. Do I want to or do I want to remove that person from my life?
Speaker 1:I also think I'm a little sensitive to losing the control I have around my life and I'm catching up with myself and I think that's part of it too. So, like I've told you, I'm very into my job right now and my new company and my partnership with Mark, and I'm less focused on dating and more focused on this podcast and hanging out with you, and I don't have this huge. I always have this huge group of people that I know and I love, but I don't have this huge group of go-to friends I know and I love, but I don't have this huge group of go-to friends that I go to anymore. But that doesn't mean they're not there and I feel like I'm being a little negligent on it because I'm defaulting to like, oh, I'm going to stay home and work at my house this weekend and it's on the top of my mind right now, because I don't feel like that's balanced.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But I did need to take the first year and a half. My whole social life was my dog and two or three dates a week.
Speaker 2:There you go. That's a full-time job. That's how you.
Speaker 1:That's how you be extroverted, but with zero commitment to people.
Speaker 1:But the only alone thing I, the people that are just trying to if this this your first episode listening to it, go back and listen to some of the earlier episodes. There is one where I actually talk a lot about the trauma like this was all triggered by a traumatic event. I think I don't wish traumatic events on anybody, but they are an opportunity to they you some space to reflect, which sounds crazy and for me. I spent a lot of time sitting in that recliner in my living room just thinking about the loss of my father but also the silver lining in it, and I had a lot of moments with my father in spirit, like, just like like you know what a terrible event, but it also I also took the opportunity, the numbness and the opportunity to to come out the other end of all that, um, healthy mentally.
Speaker 1:I guess, um and physically healthy.
Speaker 2:I feel like we should do an episode on this, maybe, or touch on this a separate time. But have you ever seen or talked to a medium?
Speaker 1:No, does that freak you out? Did you go to a medium?
Speaker 2:I have one I see regularly and the first couple times was really mind-blowing.
Speaker 1:Somebody else has told me they went to a meeting my grandma's over there in the corner just hanging out in that rocking chair. She's yeah Overpriced metal chair.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it is not. That thing is beautiful and I'll move it myself. It's fine.
Speaker 1:I love that chair, it's never going anywhere but I'm sure you do if your grandma's in there yeah, yep, that's right. That's why I think does she call pasta sauce, sauce or gravy?
Speaker 2:um, neither, she speaks italian only. So, yeah, that's right. Um, anyways, that we should uh, because that was actually it I was. I've always been curious about uh mediums and a friend of mine, her brother, passed away pretty tragically and the mom went to this medium and she did it remotely and I was like, oh, I didn't realize that they could do that. So I ended up setting up but, I, always thought you had to go in person.
Speaker 2:I don't know whatever, anyways. So I set up a time with her and it was really wild, but it was also like very healing, a little strange, and I've sent several friends her way and they've all called me like they all had some level of crying, I think, the first time they met with her. So it's pretty cool and now I just go to her.
Speaker 1:I'll go, but it has to be like your classic stereotypical gypsy woman.
Speaker 2:Her son does live here. I tried to connect with her when she was in town and it didn't work out. I'll make sure that she dresses the part, Okay so what's next?
Speaker 1:Are we done?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think we're done. I think we need to do the game.
Speaker 1:I think we hammered that one pretty good. We'll keep coming back to it Also.
Speaker 2:I think a repeat theme that we keep having is that we cut people out of our lives. Don't worry, friends, we love you. I feel like that just comes up where we're like we're cutting the toxic people out, Don't worry, yeah.
Speaker 1:I think it's more of a reflection of realigning your relationships with people and definitely cutting people out that are toxic, and I think I have a lot of awareness around people that need to cut people out of their lives, and I think that we should encourage people not to be afraid to cut people out of their lives. I also don't think I'm very sensitive to the fact that people in this country just like technically take everything to the extremes. I'm just gonna cut everybody out and start over. Don't do that either, because that's fucked up.
Speaker 1:You're not allowed to trust me, as you get older, friendships are harder to come by. Yeah, relationships are harder to come by. You're just not in that environment, so like it's better to start with communication first. I don't think I did cut some people out of my life, but some of the people I just.
Speaker 1:I just created new boundaries and distance and created new relationships with these people and but some people were more on the outside circles that I just don't go to that well anymore and it's because I'm more focused on the ones inside of my circle and myself. Yeah, and as you get older you just become a little bit more comfortable with again. You and I are in a unique space for our age group and it's one that I don't think everybody in our podcast is experiencing right now. The whole like early 40s single, no kids thing is more rare than it is common. Yeah, and I haven't found the hangout group of people like us and I certainly don't see it on the dating apps.
Speaker 1:it's very hard to find those unicorns, try bumble friends fucking bumble is a junk show I fucking hate that dating app. I don't know why I'm on it. It's just such a low quality app I have.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I have nothing good to say about bumble I think we we should reinstate the meetup group thing but change the like, the premise of it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we should do something. I thought this is a conversation for offline, but I was thinking about some. We should do more engaged, external engagement, but we'll talk about that offline and we'll have something to share with you in the next few episodes. People, but I think, do you want to play your game again?
Speaker 2:yeah, okay, the game. So the game is called. They're a 10, but I don't know if that's named. That's what we're naming it. They're a 10. But so your first one is theyeratin. But they regularly reheat fish in the microwave.
Speaker 1:I don't know why that would bother me what Zeratin? Why would that bother me?
Speaker 2:It smells so bad, ew Ew Gross.
Speaker 1:As long as the other thing doesn't smell like fish. There are 10, but they fart and then try to high five you oh shut up.
Speaker 2:I feel like that's acceptable for a man to do, but really just don't pull the covers over my head.
Speaker 1:Do you high five him?
Speaker 2:I'd high five him. We need another one. That was the only one I thought of uh, do you have another one handy?
Speaker 1:no they're a 10, but have we given up on the chat gdp thing? I think we should. I didn't like it last time. Maybe we'll just we'll make, we'll have maybe certain guests for certain topics it's good.
Speaker 2:I feel like maybe for one it might be a bit generic or repeat what we have already, I do want to do an AI episode. I think you could ask AI to create a mermaid. Sasquatch, sasquatch, mermaid, oh.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, we should Just like the jitter tits.
Speaker 2:We'll post it on Instagram, yeah we definitely should have AI do the Sasquatch.
Speaker 1:That might be our cover.
Speaker 2:Yeah, as long as the Jitter Tits one.
Speaker 1:I'm going to tell it to do a Sasquatch Mermaid with the Nirvana. What was that album called Teen Spirit?
Speaker 2:Yeah, smells like Teen Spirit.
Speaker 1:Smells like Teen Spirit. Yeah, that would be a great album.
Speaker 2:Isn't it like a baby underwater?
Speaker 1:going after a beer. It's a baby underwater or something, or a bottle a beer.
Speaker 2:What's it going? What's it swimming after I? Don't know anyways, I have to tell you that I almost wore socks with sandals out of pilates today and I had to stop and take them off oh, you probably got hit on by a teenager they weren't like.
Speaker 1:That's like what teenagers are wearing socks and crocs and socks and sandals and these were.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I got into it with my nephew about it.
Speaker 1:He's like 14. He's like what do you want me to do? Not be like everybody else? And I'm like dude, it's just not yeah, it's not cool, it'll never be cool, george can make a comeback and all the other shit. Like all of a sudden the 90s are cool for these kids. I'm like oh my gosh.
Speaker 2:Um okay, they're a 10, but they chew with their mouth open again, they're still a 10 okay, you're okay, you're okay with that how's it my turn? Yeah, I have to. I'll come ready.
Speaker 1:I actually asked there are 10, but they have a micro penis no, we're out, sorry. Sorry, I can work with a lot, but not that okay, I think we're good, okay, um, so appreciate you guys, appreciate your patience. It's been a couple weeks. I know you've been waiting patiently for this episode to come out. We're going to record another one to speak at so we can stay on schedule. At least we're committed to that. High five.
Speaker 2:Good for.
Speaker 1:We'll get the cover done. Please share with your fucking friends, All of them. Have them share it. Give us five stars. Somebody gave me four stars and I'm happy about. It Brought me down, brought us down to a 4.9 on Apple. I'm not going to name names. Yes, follow us on Instagram at Oni Alone. Email us. We want to hear from you. Tell us your stories. What do you want us to talk about alone? Email us, we want to hear from you. Tell us your stories. What do you want us to talk about at joel?
Speaker 2:at odlonepodcastcom I came up on tiktok, so don't go there. But with that the sasquatch is out.
