Midlife Uncensored
Midlife Uncensored-Real Life Discussions from Over the Hillis the no-holds-barred podcast you didn’t know you needed. Hosted by Joel Poppert, aka Poppy—the friendly Sasquatch with an epic beard—and his fiery co-host, Emanuela Messineo, aka E, this show unapologetically dives into the chaos, comedy, and WTF moments of midlife. If you’re 35-55 and ready to embrace the rollercoaster of aging, this podcast is your new home base.
Poppy and E tackle everything from modern dating disasters in the hilarious sub-series The Love Laugh Lounge (the “festivus” of dating) to real-life shit like divorce, mental breakdowns, balding, sagging tits, and figuring out how to parent while still figuring yourself out and maybe dealing with an unhinged ex. With a blend of interview episodes and no-expert-needed banter (except when we bring on experts), these two cut through the BS and get real about midlife—no filters, no sugarcoating, just pure, unfiltered truth with a heavy dose of humor. Expect raw, relatable stories, unfiltered guidance, tough love, easy happiness, and a few episodes where the comedy comes from alcohol infused banter, because who give a fuck, right?
Whether you’re dealing with the joys of aging, trying to keep your sanity while raising kids, or attempting to find love in a sea of idiots, Midlife Uncensored has your back. Expect a few F-bombs, some belly laughs, and a whole lot of honesty as Poppy and E rip the band-aid off midlife and give you permission to thrive in this beautifully messy chapter. It's not just about surviving midlife—it's about unfucking it and owning it! This is your community; we are in it together!
Midlife Uncensored
The Art of Lettings Things Go, Letting Be and Living Free!
Do you find it challenging to "let go" and allow things to unfold naturally without trying to control every situation? Join us for this post-4th of July episode, where Joel and Emanuela (E) delve into the lessons from Mel Robbins' "Let Them" philosophy and Mark Manson's "Let It Go" approach. We'll discuss how these philosophies can help you release control, foster healthier connections, and let go of unhealthy ones without the usual stress and anxiety.
In this episode, we explore how not taking others' actions personally can reduce stress and improve relationships, emphasizing the importance of clear communication and self-awareness. Through personal anecdotes, we illustrate how letting people be themselves without making assumptions can lead to more harmonious interactions. We emphasize that often, learning to truly let things go is the key to living a healthy, happy life.
Are your relationships draining your energy? From setting boundaries to fashion debates, we explore the importance of preserving your well-being by stepping back from negative influences. And to add a fun twist, we introduce a new game to our podcast, "They Are a 10, But...," featuring a light-hearted discussion on the practicality of jorts and the fashion faux pas of socks with sandals, guaranteed to leave you chuckling.
We wrap up with heartfelt gratitude to our listeners and encourage you to share your stories with us. Tune in for a blend of fun, introspection, and practical advice!
How to Engage with Us
- Email us at joel@owningalonepodcast.com
- DM us on Instagram midlifeuncensored
- Follow Joel on IG jpoppert
- Follow Emanuela on IG emanuela5683 or accountability_with_e
Thanks for joining the Owning Alone community, I certainly appreciate you!
Hey y'all, you're listening to another episode of the Only Alone podcast, hosted by your favorite middle-aged Sasquatch, joel Popper, aka Poppy, and Emanuela Mecaneo, also known as E. Welcome back, you guys. Happy 4th of July. It's the 6th. I'll probably put this out on the 7th, but go America, fuck yeah. And before we get started, we want to always remind you guys to follow us, to rate us, to share us, subscribe, check us out on the gram at owning alone, and we want to hear from you. So please slip into our DMS we love that shit or send us an email at Joel at only alone podcastcom. We're all over the gram and our listeners are lists. We have more and more listeners every week, so that's been pretty exciting. I know we're a little late. I'm putting an episode out this week. We've been it's holiday season, so we've been celebrating this great country of ours and doing fun shit, and sometimes that makes us slower to put podcasts out. So anyway, emanuela, how are you doing?
Speaker 2:I'm good. How are you Happy 4th of July.
Speaker 1:I am doing great. I just came in hot today. I've been all over the mountains rafting. I was rafting this morning, shredded, with my buddy Matty, and probably people don't know what a shredder is.
Speaker 2:I was going to say what's shredding.
Speaker 1:It's like a little catamaran raft, that's like a little I don't know a little Porsche. It's very easy to flip, but it's really fun in the rapids. Sounds safe, and we were. We call you R2-ing, so you sit side by side and you row together in the rapids.
Speaker 2:Oh cool. Okay, it's pretty fun. I like it.
Speaker 1:What else did I do? I was up in Summit yeah, I've been driving all over the Rocky Mountains this weekend and then, yeah, it came in hot and I think I unpacked and then came right over here.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it should be. I feel like it's been like an extra long weekend. It's only Saturday today, so it feels like it should be Sunday or I don't know.
Speaker 1:Anyways, so I'm happy the traffic today definitely felt like a Sunday, but yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, know anyways, so I'm happy today definitely felt like a sunday, but yeah yeah, but maybe that's just people trying to get back home.
Speaker 1:I think there's just that many people in colorado no yeah, it's a lot of people what'd you do? You threw a party.
Speaker 2:Sorry, I missed it yeah, way to go, way to not be here. Went to. Yeah, went out with a friend on wednesday night downtown. Hopped around a little bit on wednesday night and then I took I've been biking instead of scootering.
Speaker 1:Have you tried the bikes? Way better, yeah, they are way better.
Speaker 2:Although the suspension sucks and it like I hit this like awful pothole. So I was stuck in a bike lane so there was like no avoiding it. It was like one of those bike lanes.
Speaker 1:Did you go ass over teak at all?
Speaker 2:No, but I was wearing a hat and I lost my hat and thank God there wasn't a bus next to me because I was right next to the bus lane. Oh God, anyways. So yeah, I've been biking wherever, like downtown or instead of taking a scooter. So I did that Wednesday and then hopped around town a little bit Thursday just watched fireworks from the rooftop at my neighbor's house and that was really pretty. It's really cool because you can see like the whole, like any so course field does theirs. We can see course field like over the buildings and stuff and then, like anybody that does them, you can see like the whole span of them over all the rooftops, which is pretty cool, like probably all the way down to littleton and whatnot, I imagine I mean there's so many for fireworks.
Speaker 1:Yeah, when I moved over to sloan's lake here and it was covid and I swear to god somebody must have went to was it wyoming and bought like oh yeah semi trucks full of illegal fireworks because our neighborhood for the whole summer during COVID was just like lit up.
Speaker 1:And then the 4th of July I don't think it was COVID actually, because my family was here it was maybe, yeah, no, maybe it was during COVID. I just remember my family was out here. We were going up in the mountains. We rented a mountain house in Breckenridge and it was like a war zone until four in the morning. I was like like I didn't know what to do. Nobody could sleep.
Speaker 2:There was like literally like you could hear the fireworks hitting this like the roof of my house and there was just like that's scary to smoke everywhere, the whole neighborhood, and then the last few years I've been watching them from my roof.
Speaker 1:So if you stand on the roof of my house, you can see. It's like your rooftop, you can see like everything.
Speaker 2:And people are like really into illegal fireworks in Denver it's yeah, there's actual shows too, but yeah, so it's interesting because the neighbors that I was at on on the fourth, they were reminiscing on the fourth of July from 2020. So I actually closed on this place July 7 of 2020. So tomorrow will be four years and I had access to the place on the 4th, but I wasn't here at night, so they were just saying it just did not stop that year and I feel like even the following year, 2021, there was a lot, and it tends to just be all weekend. So, anyways, last night I had people over here and there were still a ton of fireworks happening.
Speaker 1:That's fun. There'll probably be a bunch tonight too, oh, I'm sure, and it'll continue in the whole month.
Speaker 2:That's when it starts to turn into the gunshots or fireworks game.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:It's not always fun.
Speaker 1:A little dumber. You never know. Gunshots or fireworks, yeah, it's great. It's great, everything's fine.
Speaker 2:But yeah, so here we are. It's Saturday. It's been a beautiful day outside, just laid low, cleaned my house, sat on the roof, laid out a little bit, waited for you to record this wonderful podcast.
Speaker 1:So for the topic today, you had shared this thing from Mel Robbins I think it was, and I think I had heard one of the Mark Manson's podcasts had talked about it. It's basically this concept of letting people do what they're going to do and letting things go, and all that stuff.
Speaker 2:Mel Robbins is an author and like a speaker, she has podcasts that I really like and her sort of like new saying or concept is this let them concept.
Speaker 2:And it is really just about she sums it up in this post that that I shared with you, or I think you shared it too on the on the owning alone page, but it's if your friends get together and they don't invite you, let them. If the person that you are dating doesn't want to commit to you, let them. If somebody goes on, just basically like letting people be who they are, stop trying to control things that are out of your control. And I actually, just, prepping for this, went back and listened to her full like podcast episode. She has several of them on this topic, but really it's just like at the root of it, it's let go of control, like we stress so much in our lives about things that are out of our control and it's really just this wasted energy and at the end of it and like it can ruin your friendships or relationships with people because it's like just stop, just let it go.
Speaker 2:Or it might be like let it go might be like a situation that rubbed you the wrong way, or like letting let them is. Let it like stop trying to control other people. You can't make people do what you want them to do. Just let it go, let them be who they are.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think it comes down to this concept of people are going to and they're not terrible people. Some are, but most of people are going to and they're not terrible people.
Speaker 2:Some are but most of them are.
Speaker 1:People are living their lives. People are like icebergs. Right, you get to see the tip of the iceberg, but there's all this other stuff under the water that you don't see, and there's reasons why people are doing things and we just don't have the full story all the time. So people are going to go on in their life and they're going to do their things. They're story all the time. So, like, people are going to go on in their life and they're going to do their things, they're gonna they're gonna not invite you to things and they're gonna invite you to things and they're gonna like you and they're not gonna like you and they're they're gonna do things the way that they think they should do them and that, even if you don't think they should do them that way, then you're gonna let it go or you got to figure out a way to communicate to, to deal with it.
Speaker 1:But, yeah, I think a good chunk of anger and anxiety and animosity and all these emotions that are very that root their pretty little heads, particularly in this country, are better. Let just go right, like when we learn to let this stuff go. Train ourselves to let it go. To put it in context, to understand that we can't control it, to understand that not all the decisions that people are making are they're making it with you in mind, that's. The other thing is we're crazy. Human beings are crazy in the sense that we think that people are doing things despite us, blah, blah, blah.
Speaker 1:And the reality is people are just doing things. People are just doing things and when it gets to its extremes, it generates anxiety, goes to paranoia and cognitive distortions, which fuels paranoia, which fuels all the other emotions. And it's just this downward spiral where, if you can learn to contextualize situations, and then if I'm not saying you're always wrong either Now, if people keep choosing not to invite you to something, then you have to acknowledge that they're not a good friend or even a family member or whoever they are, and then you need to let it go and walk away. Right?
Speaker 1:Staying in there and festering in it is not. At some point you have to make a decision.
Speaker 2:Well, okay, so one thing is not taking it personally. Like there could genuinely be, like most people are not out there being like malicious. Oh, I didn't include this person on purpose, like I want to exclude them. No, I didn't include this person on purpose. Like I want to exclude them. No, but most of that's not happening. If so, like, maybe reassess those relationships. Certainly that has happened to me, so it does happen, but over time, as we get older, I think you have to be very selective about the people that you keep around you and hopefully, if that is happening, you're not allowing that to happen repeatedly. But also like to say, oh, this happened and then I'm just going to cut them out. Like I also think we're skipping a step of first of all, let's not take it personally, let's assume. Okay, actually, my other point was don't make assumptions, but I'm going to assume that they aren't being mean. I'm going to that's the one assumption I will make.
Speaker 2:I will try to give people the benefit of the doubt and then ask the actual question of hey, I noticed that you guys went to dinner. I would have really liked to go. Is there a reason why you didn't include me? Or I'm feeling left out or use your words. We don't have to just walk away from relationships all the time, but if things after that do repeat and it's not to your liking, then you have the right to walk away from a relationship, whatever it is romantic, family, friend, whatever type of relationships. But I think one thing is we also have to just get this, and I say we like we also have to just get this, and I say we like I have had to get more comfortable with sitting in like discomfort too, because there are times that people, if you're talking to someone on a dating app and they don't respond to you at some point, have they ghosted you if you haven't gone on a date?
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 2:Also, I just feel like we go from like zero to 100 and we're like giving other people all this control over our emotions and our day-to-day life and happiness. It's a little out there. Let's not do that. Let's assume people have good intentions. If you didn't like a situation, let's talk about it with our friends. Let's talk about it, Ask the question. I think where all this for me, where it's rooted is there's fear. So at the root of all these types of situations to me, there's a fear of something. So there's a fear of rejection, there's a fear of not being accepted, things like that. Really, if you really dive deep into these, there's some fear of something, some fear of something. And so I think if you're frustrated or stressed or feeling anxious, or you can't let go of a certain thought or a situation that really rubbed you the wrong way, you got to dive deep into what's really bothering you about it.
Speaker 1:Or just let it go.
Speaker 2:You can just let it go.
Speaker 1:I'm of the mindset of just let it go.
Speaker 2:Mic drop, then we're done Nine minutes in.
Speaker 1:Nine minutes in.
Speaker 1:That's it Plus the intro, but let's unpack that, because I do think it's nearly and people are getting mad at me when I say this is. I do think it's that simple. I think this is. I do think it's that simple. I think that I'm not saying just get, let people run over you and there's, let it go and let it go and let it go. I think that it's the ability to okay, if you've done the communication, you can do the communication. Communication is key, right? Yeah, let it go and then communicate.
Speaker 1:If it continues to happen, whatever it is, then let it go and isolate yourself from the situation. That's that you continuously having to let it go, whether it's a relationship or what have you. If somebody cuts you off in the street instead of like road raging and following them fucking halfway across the city, just let it go, just let it go. And if somebody said something backhanded, count, comp, backhand and compliment or a backhand, what is it? Whatever the saying is and whatever the type of stuff that can make your blood boil or you want to just enrage or like boost, like hits your ego, just let it go or address it. But then you have to let it go.
Speaker 1:And I think what I'm saying is not, I think I'm mixing up, just letting it go. Like sounds so simple. What I'm saying is emotionally, let it go because it there's no value in harboring the anxiety or the anger or the animosity, in giving somebody or something that power. Yeah, where I see it, a lot is in the right now because we're in, we're starting to ramp up into the political oh, I thought you meant in our listenership for the podcast yeah, no, we are, we're getting listeners, but god, I don't want to.
Speaker 2:This is so, this is. I'm exhausted already.
Speaker 1:I know I am I am too, but can we all just let it go and figure out how to come back to the middle and Jesus Christ like politically, like this is where let it go could really like help.
Speaker 2:It's going to be a rough. It's going to be rough. I think, this, from here till election day, is going to be pretty rough, so maybe we shouldn't address the politics. I don't think we have a solution. There's no solution other than to your point letting it go and controlling what you can control, which is what?
Speaker 1:You can control where you put yourself, the situations you put yourself in the situations you don't put yourself in. You can control the people that you can control the types of people that you date, but you can't control your date. You can control how. You can control how you address your day, how you address other people, how you.
Speaker 2:We were just getting on my. I was staying on the political comment, which I'm not a big. I don't like to talk about politics, but that is coming up and that is a big stressor for a lot of people. It's stressful for me, but I've put boundaries in place with that Like I don't watch the news I probably need to right now because there's so much stuff going on but I can't handle the stress and at the end of the day, the best thing I can do is vote and this is my opinion for me, because I know there's other people that need to do more and I am thankful for all those people that do more are involved to some extent. But I just to sit and watch all this stuff day in day out and be consumed with this like negative energy of things you can't control, whether it's politics or other things. Shift the dynamic and let's focus on what we need for our own mental health and happiness, and for me it's like not watching the news.
Speaker 1:I try to I'll do?
Speaker 2:I have an app I use that will give me, like, the highlights when I feel like I need to pay attention, which is probably something I need to start doing right now. But so what?
Speaker 1:No, I want to stay on the politics.
Speaker 2:Okay, all right, good, so what? No, I want to stay on the politics.
Speaker 1:Okay, all right, good, I think it actually is a really good topic to talk about letting it go, and I want to go back to my story. Is that I used to be politically charged. I was very politically charged. I was the person that would judge you based on your political beliefs.
Speaker 2:I would get you going.
Speaker 1:I would drop the conversation. I would drop the sort of bomb into the middle of the room and say who are you voting for? What do you believe in? I was that guy right, and I hate that. I was that guy. I fucking just I hate that guy now. Was that you four years?
Speaker 2:ago.
Speaker 1:This was me four years ago.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:And I just get worked up and then I would judge and blah, blah, blah. And I'm not and I and I at some point I just said, look, I was carrying so much anger and anxiety around like the end of the world and blah, blah, blah and all this stuff, and I did, I just let it go. I woke up one day I had a series of traumatic events happen to me that sort of created more importance around family and friends and my mental health and stuff, where politics just seemed like I looked at it. I remember looking at it. It happened.
Speaker 1:It was like this switch and I was like what the fuck was I doing and why was I getting so mad and why was I letting people like Biden and Trump and Nancy Pelosi and all these people out there that when fucking turtle face or whatever his name is, and all these people that don't matter to me, that I have no control over that are going to do, whatever the hell they're going to do, impact my life.
Speaker 1:I was giving strangers so much control over my anxiety and I was watching people. I was watching people, including myself, just just so harshly judge everybody and get into it with people in all this doomsday stuff, and if you don't do this and you didn't do that, like the world's going to end. And we're seeing it again now, like I see it on Facebook, where, like like I'm still on facebook sometimes and I see people get like they're so worked up about shit and I'm like man, it's just you gotta figure out how to let it go so that politically, at least in this country, people need to start talking to each other together, and we're never going to be able to talk to each other if we don't let it go. And we've gotten to this very. It's not even politics anymore. It's like winning and losing, no matter what yeah which is.
Speaker 1:And then there's all this animosity towards our neighbors. And once I let all that go, I'm able to have conversations with everybody. And I don't talk about politics, I'm talking just having conversations with people, like being able to address people without trying to figure out who they are politically, and just completely and completely. I don't want to know. I don't want to know because I don't want to.
Speaker 2:I don't want to have someone. Yeah, I think.
Speaker 1:I think some people it does yeah.
Speaker 2:I think there's. Yeah, I don't disagree with you on that. I it's gonna be a tough election year for not, if you just not, if you just show up and vote and not make a thing about it right now.
Speaker 1:I agree do you think that if somebody came to you and was like screaming in your face and telling you blah blah and like waving a flag in front of you, is that really going to influence?
Speaker 2:your vote.
Speaker 1:It's exhausting what influences people's votes is wanting to fit in yeah so when you go, I just got back from florida, I was in daytona. It's very clear that to fit in. And yeah, so when you go, I just got back from Florida, I was in Daytona, it's very clear that to fit in.
Speaker 2:You're also wearing red, so now I know where you stand.
Speaker 1:Don't you judge me, I'm an independent Mega 2024.
Speaker 2:I'm voting for Hoctois. Maybe we should all vote for you.
Speaker 1:I don't want to be a fucking politician.
Speaker 2:Sounds awful oh gosh, I'm just kidding. Yeah, I don't describe this topic, can, or this. This theory can really just be applied to so many things, really just anything that's stressful, like it's just hard, because I think we all want to be accepted, we all want to avoid these things that we're fearful of, fear of rejection and things like that. So I think at the root of these situations that stress us out, if you feel like you're going into this like hyper controlling mode, there's probably something a bit deeper to look at and just get you know, just sit in it for a little bit.
Speaker 1:And I just think it's a matter of can you control it and can you not? And if you can't control it, then you need to let it go.
Speaker 2:Well, that's, I don't know. I'm gonna disagree with you there.
Speaker 1:You have to let it go and let's get into it. But I think if you can't control it then you have to. What do you do then? My point is okay.
Speaker 2:So where I'm disagreeing with you is that I think some people think they can control more than they really can through manipulation or whatever it is, and in some cases it works. So there are people that are very controlling and there are people that are very controlled too. So I think there's it's easy for you to decipher what can and can't you control in these situations, but it's probably not as black and white for everybody. Like, I think you could assess a situation and be like what can I control in this situation? And someone else might answer that differently, right? So that's where I think where we're going though situation and be like what can I control in this situation?
Speaker 1:And someone else might answer that differently, right, so that's where I think. Where we're going, though, is we're trying to get to a consensus around what people actually need to do, and, again, it's not.
Speaker 2:Just say fuck it.
Speaker 1:I think that there's a middle ground of if you can't control the situation and it's creating an emotional response from you that's unhealthy, then you have to address the situation. I think that's where I'm missing. It is you have to address that situation. I'm not saying just walk away.
Speaker 1:Yeah address that situation. I'm not saying, just walk away. Yeah, I'm saying that. Say the thing you need to say, have the communication that you have to have, then you have, then you have to let it go and choose the direction you're going from after you let it go. The letting it go part is the not letting it control, not letting it incite negative emotions and negative responses from your body. Yeah, because that's the control, because now it's now you're giving the thing you can't control over you and that's where, like that's the problem, right yep, I'm not saying just we should just be like fuck it, let it go, blah, blah.
Speaker 1:I'm saying there's a there's definitely a step in the middle where you have to deal with it, but trying to control things that we can't control, it's a fool's errand, right, and the more we learn to like not try to control things and let things happen as they are and then respond to those things, like respond to how people are behaving towards us, respond to how you know all these things, and then go from there, let people, like you said in the beginning, let people and let things happen as they're going to happen.
Speaker 2:Let them yeah, let them be who they're going to be or who they are. I think when we start to try to control a situation, it's us not, it's us wanting the person in front of us to be someone else. And so, again, I think there's always like some level of fear built into when we go into that like mode, into this like controlling mode, and you have to be really aware, self-aware, to know that's even happening. So I think there's probably a lot of people that go into this like controlling mode that don't even realize it's happening. So why don't we talk about do you have an example of maybe a time in the past where you didn't do that, or a time recently where you did or didn't do that? Like that you could have used this advice of let them.
Speaker 1:There have been situations in my life where I have cut people out of my life, maybe unnecessarily, without communicating to them, because I didn't let it go and I just said, fuck it, I don't want those people in my life Like you were angry yeah. I was angry and I stayed angry at them. Or, some people do this for forever.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:We have opinions of people that we went to high school with, yeah, from 30 something years ago, that I'm sure they're not like that still because we never let it go. And when you actually start going to therapy in your middle age, you start to unpack things that you didn't let go from 20, 30 years ago and I'm not quite sure that like of everybody's journey, is that like we learn how to let things go when we're in our twenties? But I think that something in my middle age has been that I've been able to to just process things and understand the level of importance that certain people are in my life, or how I should respond to situations, how important they were to me, whether or not they were, whether there were something I should just let go or that I should address, and being able to do that very quickly and confidently and set boundaries and all these things, cause I am letting it go. That's the thing is. I'm not letting these things fester. I'm either communicating, saying what I got to say, cutting things off, removing them from my life, having the conversations, bringing those people in, and what's happening is I do have an example of I have a best friend, him, and I hit a wall.
Speaker 1:At one point I got angry at him. I didn't talk to him for nine months and a really good friend and because I was angry and I didn't let it go in the time and it took me a long time to get through this process of what I wanted out of that relationship what had I not told him that he needed to hear? What is he not hearing? And basically what happened is the nine months went by, just because of time, and blah, blah, blah. As you get older, time just goes through. And I called him up nine months later and I said hey, man, this is how I've been feeling about this and he acknowledged it and we had a really open conversation and him and I have been closer than we've ever been. So I let all the stuff go that was happening to me, whether he had awareness around it or not or how it was impacting me, because I didn't tell him. I didn't tell him at the time, but I let it go so that our relationship could just grow from that conversation that we had nine months later.
Speaker 1:That's one example, I guess.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that's amazing.
Speaker 1:And then I've had stuff where I let it go and then walked away from people. Yeah, but I didn't let. I wasn't angry that I had to walk away or anything. I just was like you know what. I didn't call him up and say I forgave him either, I just walked away.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think these things evolve over time. We can certainly get better at how we approach these situations as we get older, and I certainly I think sometimes it's easier to just avoid the tough conversation, like sometimes there just isn't. Sometimes you, I feel like sometimes you've given people enough opportunity and they've showed themselves like repeatedly and maybe I haven't said to them oh, that wasn't cool, but they're like basic, like respectful ways to treat people. That I don't feel like. I think what I'm getting at is I don't feel like I should have to tell people how to just be a decent human being sometimes. Do I have to have that conversation?
Speaker 1:No, do you want to have that conversation? No, Also because I don't feel like Do you want those people in your life?
Speaker 2:No, I don't think you can make. I think people can change on their own. I don't think me saying something is going to make someone change.
Speaker 1:So I'm right. So you hit on a huge topic here, like this is the thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, say that again yeah, I think people can change, but I don't think you can make people change and so they can change on their own. I learned from observing other people, so you can definitely mentor or be a positive influence to people. Or maybe there's people that are watching you like man, I don't want to do that and that's fine too, so you can influence people in that way. But if I want someone to change I've always struggled with this in relationships where do I really have to tell you that I need X, y, z? I think people just show up as they are.
Speaker 2:And if it doesn't work for me over a period of time, yes, you can ask for certain things, but I'm not. I know I'm not going to change the other person. So at some point it becomes like I see you for who you are and that doesn't line up with who I am or what my needs are. Like I shouldn't have to ask for that stuff all the time. So at that point I'm just going to walk away Like you don't fix those things, because that just it's just a mismatch to me. And the same thing can happen with friendships, and sometimes you know you can put boundaries in place or tell you can ask people certain things. I don't think you should just cut people out without giving them a chance, but sometimes people just if you let them be who they are, they might just See, I agree with you, but I also, at the same time, disagree.
Speaker 1:Okay, because, as I get older, time is just moving so fast.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it just keeps so fast.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's moving fast and I think it's okay to not give everybody the opportunity to to. I think sometimes it's okay to just walk away.
Speaker 1:I think that like fair enough I think that life is too short to try to address every. If people are showing you, or people or your community or whatever it is showing you who they are and it's not jiving with your values, with who you are, with who, what you want to be doing, with whatever, then it's okay to just let it go and fucking walk away, because life is way too short. Like our circles get smaller as we get older and there's a reason for that because we don't want to fuck around with people that aren't going to. Some people just aren't going to change, right, and we need to acknowledge that people have been. There's people in our lives that have been showing us how, showing us who they are, for years and years and years. So what more data do you need? And you get to a place where what conversation you're going to have with them, right?
Speaker 1:Because, you just said it People can't change unless they change themselves. It's very hard, particularly at our age and as we get older, to have any sort of influence over how people changing their who they are like there's.
Speaker 2:Usually people change like most people aren't. I don't know, that's just my opinion. I just I don't think you're going to get a night and day type of change from someone, maybe some awareness.
Speaker 1:I think people have to change on their own.
Speaker 1:You can support people yeah if somebody comes to you and says they want to grow or they want to change but also remember that some people just don't need to change is that we're not just talking about awful people here we're talking about. Sometimes it's just people that, like they just don't just does this. You grow into a frictional space with somebody that doesn't neither one of you is a bad person. You just get to a place where it's frictionally not mismatched. It's a mismatch now, yeah, and and that's okay yeah, okay.
Speaker 2:So the other thing is I like I have a friend, a really good friend, who she's like very just happy with where she is, and I think that's amazing.
Speaker 2:I am this person that is constantly like assessing things and trying to grow and I'm always reading like some kind of self-help book for the most part. I take some breaks here and there, but I I feel like I'm constantly evolving, and not that she isn't, but she's very happy with who she is and where she is and doesn't have that same sort of feel, that that pull that I have of not that I, I, I, I love myself and I love where I'm at. But I feel like there's more to me if I keep peeling these layers back, that I can be like a better person if I keep doing that, and I don't I just, to me that's like a like part of the journey of life is like that you keep evolving and learning and growing, not because you're not perfect with your imperfections now, but just because that's just like my take on it. But I think there's also something really cool to be said about someone who's just very happy with where they are and just enjoying it no, I think that's actually really nice, I don't think.
Speaker 1:I just don't think everybody's wired a little differently, right, and I think you and I are wired pretty similar where we. This is, this is our jam, like we like to continue to analyze things and and work on ourselves and think outside the box and where do you think that comes from, though?
Speaker 2:Because sometimes I'm like is that rooted in this like idea that we need that we aren't good as we are?
Speaker 1:Do you know what?
Speaker 2:I'm saying Like you could be better, joel.
Speaker 1:I don't think I wake up thinking I could be better. I mine is more awareness. The more awareness I have, the more patience I have with people, the more I can embrace people, the more I can understand people, the more I can help people understand me, and I think that the more patient I am I've never been more besides driving. I've never been more patient with people. But I have a limit too and I have my days where I'm off. But I'm also. I see the world as a much bigger, more complicated space and it has. The older I get, the more I read and the more I think about this and discover, read, and the more I think about this and discover, the more I realize, like, how human, how not only the earth but humans have evolved.
Speaker 1:yeah, and we continue to evolve, and I do believe very much in in consciousness and the evolution of the human mind and where we're heading toward, in, like in enlightenment is probably the right word, right and I think, the more I think that maybe my drive and maybe your drive is some sort of trying to understand, trying to be more enlightened every day, like by trying to understand things and trying to understand people, but also like you can't get closer to enlightenment if you don't deal with the noise Right.
Speaker 1:And people, human beings, have this sort of this very uncontrollable dark side where, like when they get weak, they take, they cling on to other people and it manifests itself in a lot of different ways. It's it can be anger and abuse, it can be manipulation and gaslighting and anything they can do to bring, to create more noise in your life and to bring you down about. This is why I'm. This is why I'm very like. I like the whole concept of owning alone. Like people would say, I'm terrified of the noise. I'm terrified of it because I'm so happy in my space of learning and enlightenment right now, where I have so much control over the noise, where I'm not letting other people in, which has been a disadvantage.
Speaker 2:The noise is really, I guess you could fill in that same. You could say noise, you could say stress, you could say anxiety, like it's basically all these, like the outside factors and how they impact you, right, and so stepping away, not trying to control those things, gives you more peace, is what it sounds like gives you more peace is what it sounds like, and just letting things yeah just letting things happen, yeah, observing them, and then if it's something that makes you feel any which way, if you can't control it, then you need to process it and let it go.
Speaker 1:It's just there's no way around it. And now I am very aware that the things that we're saying right now are complicated for certain people in their situations. There are people that are obviously very engulfed in situations where you can't just let it go. And there's history, particularly relationships, family relationships, marriages, relationships, marriages whatever, like taking care of kids, like long-term friendships, and, yeah, you're meshed in it and you're in it, you live with each other and blah blah. So, like it's the letting it go thing, the tit for tat. It's much more complicated, but again, at the basis of it though it's the same You've got to figure out.
Speaker 1:I would argue it's way more important that you figure this out, that you figure out how to let shit go so that you can sit down and have the conversations that you need to have and go whichever direction you're going to go from there.
Speaker 2:I think there's some level of lowering your stress and improving the level of happiness in your life is just stop. Just stop stressing about these things that are out of your control. And guess what, if somebody's leaving you out, or if they don't want to be friends with you or they don't want to be in a relationship with you, let them walk away, because guess what? It leaves space for you to find someone that does want those things. Stop trying to control stuff. That's the thing. Yeah, karen, did you just say? Yeah, karen?
Speaker 1:yeah, karen, stop trying to control shit. And kevin?
Speaker 2:so it is kevin and karen oh god stop being so I think, um two, at the end of the day, I think there's like intentions behind certain people's actions and that can really drive like how you approach a situation. Maybe understanding where someone's coming from before you make a decision on how to approach it is good too. If you're going to walk away from a relationship, I don't know. I think these conversations can be really hard and that's like an extreme example. I think. Sure, there are like repeated situations that make that may lead you to want to walk away from something, but at the but, there's also all the in between that we have to deal with. It's not like you're just going to be like, oh, that upset me, we're not going to be friends anymore. You know like you have to understand someone's intentions behind things and let's not just jump to conclusions all the time, like let's save ourselves that heartache too, because I think if you say you're left out of something, some plans that your friends have and you're upset by that, if you jump to the conclusion that they did it purposely, that they're upset with you or that they're talking about you while you're not there, that's a lot of stress you're putting on yourself too, and there may be a reason for it and that reason may not be one that you like, but if you don't, then you walk away and again, don't let it bother. You Make room for people that do add happiness, joy, meaning to your life. If that's what you've got happening around, you cut it out. Life's not. Life is too short to deal with that, and I think there's a lot of wiggle room that we give to people that we've been very long time friends with. Give a lot of wiggle room there and to friendships I'm sorry to family members. And it's like figure out what you need.
Speaker 2:Look in the mirror Like if would you treat someone that way, like if would you treat someone that way, and if not, like I. There's sometimes I'll be like trying to give someone the benefit of the doubt and then I'll look at the situation. I'll be like man, I wouldn't even treat an enemy this way, and I'll be like, okay, I got to take a step back here. If that's how they're treating me, then either they don't give two shits about me, or they don't have time, or it's not the same priority.
Speaker 2:But either way, like I'm not going to take it personally, like I'm not going to be upset by it, I'm not going to take it personally and I'm going to just be like, but that doesn't work for me either, and so some days are better than others, because some days I do say fuck off or something, whatever, it's fine. Some days I do say fuck off or something, whatever, it's fine. But you try to be in control of your emotions and be like you know what that sucks, cause I hold you in high regard or whatever, and you this a person may be a priority to you and you are not to them, but it's better to just know that, address it and walk away and make room for people. There are other people out there that want that space in your life, so stop wasting your time on the ones that are just vampires sucking away and particularly strangers too.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think we give so much, we give so much credit to strangers too and how they impact our life.
Speaker 2:No, also just put a smile on your face and walk around and make eye contact with people, not in a creepy way, but like people smile, and it's like a good way to just walk around yeah, just walk around and smile it people will gravitate to you, good or bad.
Speaker 1:Don't like big goofy smiles. Be careful, because sometimes you'll get people. You don't necessarily if you feel like dancing, dance, do a little spin in the street, yeah, but yeah, I think it's like it's this concept like at at the root of all the this.
Speaker 2:The concept is preserve your energy. Let's not not get angry. There's enough bullshit happening in this world. We can't control it, whether it's politics or just whatever. And if there's a situation you don't like, either remove yourself or find a way to make it work. And if it is exhausting you or if it's sucking all your energy, make a change. Try some different things. I've talked I haven't talked about this really on the podcast, but like I had a situation with work that was like really very exhausting for me for a while.
Speaker 2:Tense on there, cause I at one point I was like man, I want to retire from this place. I really love it. I loved who I worked for and what I was doing and my customers, and there were some changes that happened that really turned that on its head. That really turned that on its head and it took me a really long time. I was having some really bad like reactions to some things that were happening. I knew they were like way deeper rooted than what was right in front of me. So I ended up finding a new therapist to help me like dissect what was happening and work through all that and learned some things, which was pretty cool.
Speaker 2:And at the end of it it was like these are the things that were in my control. I saw a new therapist. I asked my coworkers, who I love dearly, but I was like I want to be a resource to you, I want to be a mentor, I want to be here for you to support you, but I cannot handle the complaining just to complain. If you want a solution, I'm your girl. If you want help with that, I'm your girl. If you just want to call it a bitch, bitch to bitch, I can't, because I I'm already, like, exhausted from this, so I cannot handle yours too. I want to, but I just can't right now.
Speaker 2:So I like put basically boundaries in place and controlled the things I could control, and at the end it was still making me miserable, and so I ended up like taking a different position and it's gotten better. It's not quite back to where it was before, but I think at the end of the day, it's all about. We have one life to live. We don't know how long it is. There is a clock ticking, we don't know when the clock is going to run out. And if you had three years left to live, would you be living your life the way you're living it today?
Speaker 1:Would you be angry at the person you're angry at? Would you let them have that power over you, or would you?
Speaker 2:change. Something Like we go through these motions just thinking that there's another week, another month, another year. There might fucking not be another tomorrow. I could drop dead like right now. That would really suck, that's so. Not be another tomorrow. I could drop dead like right now, that would really suck.
Speaker 1:That's so negative. Stop it.
Speaker 2:But the point is, control what you can control. If something doesn't work for you, figure it out, dig deep, figure it out, like figure out why it's not working for you. So there's a exercise. I did some life coaching stuff last year and there was an exercise we did. There were actually two things that I should. Maybe I'll post something on our Instagram so people have the resources, but I think the one book is called the four rules, and so there were a couple of things I touched on.
Speaker 1:Oh, I have that on my list.
Speaker 2:You do. Okay, so one is, and there's actually a. There's like a short YouTube video that summarizes it, if you just want like a high level, but it's based on a book and it's don't make assumptions, don't take things personally. Always do your best and assume. No, it's not assume, because you're not supposed to make assumptions. It's I forget, I always forget what the fourth one is, um, but it there are very good rules to follow with this concept. It goes very well with this concept.
Speaker 2:And the other thing is one of the other people that I really like who's written a couple of books. Oh, my gosh, I'm forgetting her name, but she has a podcast as well, and she she was a keynote speaker and the title of this, so it's one of our podcast episodes, but the title of it is but are you happy? And so she talks about her journey of chasing the, basically money in her career and because, for her, money was stability and it gave her some like level of control, I think, in her life because of an upbringing that had some instability, and so this going into this, her work ethic was basically backed by this fear of instability. This fear of instability and money and working all kind of went hand in hand. But when she got to where she wanted to get to, she realized she was miserable and she kind of unpacks that in this episode and we should all post it.
Speaker 2:It's an hour long. It's really good and I've shared it with a lot of people. I don't know if I've shared that one with you, but it's a really good episode, keynote speech that she did and it's. All these things overlap with one another and at the root of it, we have one life to live. There's a clock ticking. Stop fucking around. Stop fucking around.
Speaker 1:Stop fucking around with things you don't need to fuck around with.
Speaker 2:Make shit happen. If it doesn't work for you, communicate and walk away. If you need resources, get a fucking therapist. Call us, we'll help you and let it go and let it go yeah, that's the big.
Speaker 1:That's the ticket. You can walk away from something and not let it go and let it fucking haunt your life for the rest of your life, oh gosh, and you just gotta if you're gonna.
Speaker 1:If you're gonna, it's, it's whatever. However, you're braced up and you have to let it go and deal with it in that like, with not harboring the animosity, the anger and the whatever it is when you address that situation or after you walk away or all the things, because those are the seeds to depression and anxiety and paranoia and cognitive distortions and all these things that fucking make zombies out of human beings.
Speaker 2:And don't you think a lot of that comes from trying to control things that you have no control over?
Speaker 1:Yes. It creates a it's in it. It's not isolated to individuals either. This is the fuel to mob mentality. It's the fuel to a lot of problems that the human species has. Is that we don't let things go. We let them fester, they grow, they get distorted in our minds, they seed other types of emotions. That creates fuel and then you end up all you have to do is go online and look at like crazy karens on instagram or crazy kevins and see that people are clearly harboring oh my gosh years and years worth of not letting shit go and not processing their emotions and not dealing with that.
Speaker 1:Or like people commit, like I mean going down the dark road. People commit suicide because they don't process things, they don't let things go, they overwhelm by the things that they can't control, yeah, and control is such a thing with humans. It's like a it's a a it's. Certain individuals are way more susceptible to it than others.
Speaker 2:It's anorexia, like all these things you're trying to. You don't like not having control. No, I just mean you don't like certain feelings, right? So it's like you're trying to avoid some kind of pain point and so we think taking some kind of action is going to alleviate that. But sometimes if you're not paying attention to what's really happening, what the pain point is, then, for example, if so like what I uncovered in one of my like therapy sessions, was that I don't like weak people.
Speaker 2:Okay, so it was like what happens is cause I'm a people pleaser, if I sense that someone can't pull their weight, especially at work, what I deduct very quickly in my head is your weakness is going to infringe on my day to day because I can't say no. So because I just want the better of, I want us. I know what the end goal is. Also, I feel like your weakness is going to infringe on me because I'm going to have to pick up your slack. So I would before I was like aware of this. I would get really angry when I would sense that someone couldn't pull their weight for the job that they were hired for, because I felt great, I'm going to have to pick up their slack and it was like no, actually I don't I can address that, put boundaries in place and I'm not going to do your job. I'm going to do mine and you do yours, and if you need help, I'll help you, I'll be a resource, but I'm not going to do your job for you. But before I would just get frustrated and it was like, okay, like these were just stories in my head that I was told whatever from childhood that I was then telling myself that I had to do that. I put that on myself Like that's so silly.
Speaker 2:But so if you can't get to the bottom of it, then instead you're just going to react to who's in front of you. So what you're doing is you're trying to stop the pain of whatever it is that's happening. That has nothing to do with the person that's probably in front of you. It's triggered by them, but it's not like it's deeper than them. So in some cases Now, in other cases, when someone cuts you off, just flip them off, and then you know, I'm just kidding, I got angry to see it, but I'm just saying like, a lot of times I think it can be deeper and we're just trying to avoid a pain point, and so it's do that.
Speaker 2:So the other thing, another resource I discovered when I was doing this life coaching thing, was this exercise you can do that's called seven layers deep. And so you find the root of this was figuring out your purpose. And so it was like what is your purpose? And then you continue to ask yourself why is that important to you? And you do that several times, basically to get to the real root of why something is so valuable or important to you. And so when you're very anxious or trying to control a situation, I think if you're trying to get to the root of it, you can say like why is that bothering you? And then answer that why?
Speaker 1:is that bothering you?
Speaker 2:Why does that bother you? If you keep doing that, it'll help you peel the onion back a bit and just journal or talk to a friend, or you could email us and we'll help you with that.
Speaker 1:Particularly before you make some sort of rational move.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, I agree, but at the end of the day, we have one life to live. Clock's ticking. Bob Marley said something about that Make it happy, put a smile on your face and if there's anything we can help with.
Speaker 1:Just punch the other person and let it go. No, I was going to gonna say don't punch us.
Speaker 2:No, get a punching bag. Nobody's gonna punch. Don't punch the other person either.
Speaker 1:I'm just kidding.
Speaker 2:We don't support violence on this show but could get a punching bag.
Speaker 1:Kickboxing school, I've been meaning to get a punching bag to help with my road rage. Can you put one in the car?
Speaker 2:oh, shut up well, yeah, it's called an airbag. No, I I'm kidding your horn. Just punch the steering wheel. I let it go today.
Speaker 1:I just chilled in my car, listened to my book, my audio book, and just sat in that Colorado traffic.
Speaker 2:Way to go Holiday traffic. I like it. Oh, it's bad today.
Speaker 1:All the way through the tunnel.
Speaker 2:I think I want to start a game with you that my friend was just visiting and she reminded me, me of this, and we had a lot of fun with it. It's the, it's a 10 or she's it's for you she's a 10, but whatever. So for me it would be like a man, you know what I'm saying. So they are a 10, but like they always have bad breath, what does that do for you? Is that a deal breaker?
Speaker 1:all like halitosis type bad breath, because there's a difference there's a difference between halitosis. Bad because halitosis you think they're all curable, but halitosis is like their breath smells like shit but if they don't know it? I don't know how you don't know it, but first of all, if you have bad breath all the time, you can't be a 10. But I would say a 10 goes down to a 6, because what are you going to do? You can't do anything with that.
Speaker 2:Plug your nose.
Speaker 1:No, do you say, come back after you brush your teeth.
Speaker 2:Bring mouthwash with you.
Speaker 1:Do you want some gum? Okay, he's a 10.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry, I swear I did not take an edible yeah, you are giggly.
Speaker 1:You only got one life, might as well, laugh I'm really tired.
Speaker 2:It's not even that late, but I'm like slap happy.
Speaker 1:No, I'm very slap happy.
Speaker 2:I got people who are like you should go out right now.
Speaker 1:I'm like fuck that I can't go out right now.
Speaker 2:Pass your bedtime. I slept for two hours last night, my God Okay.
Speaker 1:He, my god. Okay, he's a 10, but he's a 10, but he only wears jorts. And how long are they?
Speaker 2:though, and he wears. What are the socks called that go up to your like mid calf, oh god, with sandals? Yeah, oh no, that's a deal breaker. No, what are the crocs with sandals?
Speaker 1:No, no crocs, no socks with sandals, you can't say no, you have to give a number, no.
Speaker 2:Fuck, no Zero Negative 12.
Speaker 1:You're going to take a 10 to negative 12 for wearing socks and sandals Cannot do it. Do you know that socks and sandals is now no?
Speaker 2:I don't like the new.
Speaker 1:My nephew wears socks and sandals. It's like in now with the kids.
Speaker 2:Nope, I'm not doing it. Nope, I guess that's something you can change, but no, if it's not something you can change.
Speaker 1:We just had this whole conversation that people don't change.
Speaker 2:Soup. I actually used to say this. I used to say this. I used to say this People, don't change, they grow. Agreed.
Speaker 1:Which creates change.
Speaker 2:But don't just change If you're in a relationship and you're trying to change your partner.
Speaker 1:they're not going to change, they're going to grow.
Speaker 2:Also, if that's their taste, they also have really poor taste otherwise, other than the fact that they're out with me Because I'm the shit, george.
Speaker 1:What's wrong with jorts?
Speaker 2:I don't mind the jorts.
Speaker 1:It's super practical.
Speaker 2:I was asking you how tall, how long are they?
Speaker 1:The jorts.
Speaker 2:Yeah, see the pockets sticking out.
Speaker 1:No, it's like you cut it right below the crotch.
Speaker 2:You can see the pockets.
Speaker 1:They're man-dude.
Speaker 2:No, Each one of those individually would be a problem. The shorts, the Crocs and the socks with sandals.
Speaker 1:But he's still a 10. No.
Speaker 2:If all three of those we're not even going to buy, I'm sorry, but you've got a 10 that's just wearing weird clothes.
Speaker 1:It's way better than a 10 that you can't kiss. You can take his jorts and his socks and his Crocs off and then he's just a naked 10. So you're wrong. It's not a negative 12. It's still a 10. Just take its clothes off.
Speaker 2:All right, we're going to continue this. I'm going to like this, all right.
Speaker 1:We appreciate your guys's patience with our slap happiness and we love you. Please share this episode, listen to the other ones, rate us, subscribe, follow us on Instagram. We want to hear your stories. We want to know what's going on in your life, so slip into our DMs at owningalone or send us an email at dole. At owningalonepodcastcom and the Sasquatch is out. Bye. At doleoilandlaurenpodcastcom and the Sasquatch is out.
