Midlife Uncensored

A Discussion about the Noise in our Lives and How to Manage It

• Joel Poppert • Season 1 • Episode 16

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In this episode, Emanuela and Joel peel back the layers of everyday existence to examine the intricate dance of personal growth, relationships and the "noise" that ensues. We swap tales of how the noise in life impacts our lives, and how to defend against it by understanding our principals and convictions and having the courage to turn the volume down regardless of how it impacts others.

We wrap up with a crucial reminder of the power and beauty found in the small gestures—the support given to a friend, the love shown to family—that anchor us in the tempest of our daily lives. Setting boundaries becomes a crafted art, one that upholds our true self amidst the clamor of external demands. Transformative tales and reflections abound, urging us to curate a supportive inner circle that echoes our principles and convictions. 

"As I meander through Red Rocks Park on a solo hike, I'm struck by the palpable silence—nature's quiet offering that sharpens the senses to life's simplicities."

How to Engage with Us

Thanks for joining the Owning Alone community, I certainly appreciate you!

Speaker 1:

Welcome back to another episode of the Only Alone podcast with your friendly Sasquatch, with the epic beard game and our fucking awesome co-host, emmanuel Messier. How you doing, man Say hi, we're recording. I love you. I just caught her off guard. She didn't know we were recording yet. But this is your second episode. Now as the co-host, I'm going to give you more responsibility. You're going to have to talk more, otherwise me, I'll fill all the fucking air.

Speaker 2:

I'll get better about it.

Speaker 1:

So we're going to work on our script that we haven't really fleshed out yet through this episode, probably in the next episode and future episodes. But instead of putting this all in the end, I want to remind you all to engage with us. Please reach out to us. We're on Instagram, at owningalone. You can reach us at joel at owningalonepodcastcom. You can find us both on Instagram. We have personal pages, but we want to hear your stories. We're talking about dating. We're talking about making friends in middle age. We're talking about anxiety. We're talking about all the things and relationships with ourselves. So I know you guys all got egos, so tell me your stories. Reach out, manuela. We haven't seen each other in a week.

Speaker 2:

What's been going on? I know I missed you.

Speaker 1:

I know it was like a lonely weekend.

Speaker 2:

I know I was like. I did do a love laugh lounge.

Speaker 1:

while we were gone, I snuck one in there.

Speaker 2:

I listened to it. It was really good.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I liked that one Justine was. She didn't tell me she was a relationship coach. Super cool, she told me, but I didn't put two and two together. So I interviewed this woman, single woman, for an hour and a half and come to find out. I get on her, she gives me her Instagram handle afterwards and I'm like this chick, like her whole career is around mentoring people that's like her full-time job not just dating and marriage relationships, but also, again, relationships with ourselves, with this becoming the cornerstone of this podcast I love it.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, we need to have her on the owning alone podcast. Then I did tell her to come back.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, now, her name's Justine. She's episode 15. I'm interested to have her talk about her dating experience after she gets a year under her belt. She hasn't dated at all in her whole life.

Speaker 2:

I was like oh, this girl, let's do it well.

Speaker 1:

I don't have any war stories. I was like I'll come back in a little bit. You're a woman, you'll have some war stories. I don't have any war stories. I was like I'll come back and come back in a little bit. You're a woman.

Speaker 2:

You'll have some war stories.

Speaker 1:

You'll have a calendar's worth of dick pics that people have sent you without your permission. Oh God, Come on now.

Speaker 2:

Terrible, terrible. That's awful.

Speaker 1:

But what did you do this week? You were in Oklahoma City.

Speaker 2:

I was. I was there this weekend for a run. So they do a memorial run run to honor the Oklahoma City bombing from back in the 90s, and so I have a friend that used to live there and her friend lost her mom in the bombing. So she likes to go and support this friend and I've become friends with her too, so it's just like a nice thing to do for the weekend.

Speaker 1:

Of course, while you were there there was a tornado. There was, there's always a tornado. There was, there's always a tornado. They're in tornado season already.

Speaker 2:

I think it's pretty common for them. They're in Tornado Alley. So yeah, I mean, I think when, like the weather patterns are changing, like the temperature goes up and down, I think that breeds tornadoes. So yeah, I did that. Last week I was in Portland for work in and out and then came back and left for Oklahoma City and was there for 48 hours back home and here we are.

Speaker 2:

Do you like Portland? Portland was good. I was there for 24 hours so didn't really get to do a whole lot, and it rained the whole time, which I like melt in the rain.

Speaker 1:

I do too. Portland's an interesting city. I have a lot of friends in. Portland. Some of my favorite people are in Portland slash Corvallis, okay, but the city of Portland is fucking weird. It's a weird city.

Speaker 2:

I think that's like their brand, though I know, I think they like it to be that way. I think they like it that way.

Speaker 1:

I'm not going to judge them. Hate to each their own.

Speaker 2:

I'm trying to think of what else has happened. That's pretty much it, I think. What's been going on with you.

Speaker 1:

Not much, I think. I don't know if we've done an episode, since the barbecue was good.

Speaker 2:

Oh, that's right. Yeah, we did one. Our last one was the day before.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, denver's been pretty much three days of sun and hot and nice weather, and then snowing, which has been messing things up.

Speaker 2:

That's good. I am dating one girl that I, like, I've been on four dates with, which is a record for me in the recent history. I'm very happy for you. This is like really good.

Speaker 1:

Another girl who has been flaky, so I'm kind of over that.

Speaker 2:

I love how much you put this out here because it's like real time.

Speaker 1:

Nobody's listening.

Speaker 2:

Nobody's listening.

Speaker 1:

They're listening, yeah then stop being flaky. So we talked last episode about dating ourselves, so I went on about a six mile hike by myself in Red Rocks Park. Oh, that's awesome hike by myself in Red Rocks Park. Oh, that's awesome. I know a lot of people think it's just like the venue, but there's actually like incredible hiking trails around there. It was a beautiful day. Everything was green. I got through Mark Manson's most recent podcast, which I've been wanting to get through, which is about an hour and a half. Okay.

Speaker 2:

Was this the one that you sent me? No, that was a bad therapy one yeah, which I started that book yeah so it was about a three-hour hike.

Speaker 1:

So I started bad therapy on audiobook, which has been blowing my mind, which is about I'm about two hours in. It talks. You know me, I'm a big advocate of therapy, you've been in therapy too. But like it really starts to get to the, it's boiling down the fact that mental health, like everything else, has been commercialized now, and it's been commercialized particularly for the younger generations. And now there's a whole generation walking around that thinks they have mental health issues when they don't, and mental health professionals have found them to be very easy to.

Speaker 2:

They're an annuity almost like a like a hypochondriac like situation where, like you're creating an illness because you're just like over fixated on something too right.

Speaker 1:

Well, they know the speak too, so they know that. You know it's a very I haven't been through enough of it and it's hard for me to articulate things that I just read, but it's scary.

Speaker 2:

The podcast episode, though, was really good, and I think it's interesting because I've lately been feeling this way and, like my last therapy session, I said at what point can I like leave these things, these like labels behind? Like I'm a grown ass woman and I've done all the fucking work? Do I really need to describe myself as anxious or whatever? That's not, it doesn't define me or my issues with, maybe, my parents from when I was younger. It's yeah, those things are part of my history or my experience, but, like, the more we keep owning it, the more I don't know.

Speaker 1:

I just I'm ready to be done with it, like I mean I'm, I think I've shook a lot of it. I think what they're, I think where the book is going, and I'm not there yet, but like it's what it's, when we start asking people to treat us differently, because of some self-described mental health issue, than the other person, that's where I think the line has been crossed when we have this whole generation of people that have learned to characterize their emotions into mental health issues and create some sort of narrative and special treatment around it, when they're just, this is just life right like yeah, we're

Speaker 1:

80s babies, like we grew up, like I grew up without I don't know. It was just different and it was different for our parents and I do believe very strongly that this generation will wash through. The next generation will be gritty, they'll take a gritty approach, they'll realize. But it's like when I lived down in Costa Rica for a while. It's like one of the greatest things about living in Costa Rica was I felt like I went back to the 80s, like where you just didn't people didn't give a fuck about some of the things that we you could buy food off the street, you didn't have to be permitted, you could drive somebody else's car and not worry about insurance. It was just like you didn't have to wear a seatbelt.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, we have an economy around a lot of different things. That yeah, there's a lot of money being made.

Speaker 1:

But I don't want to discount the book because the book is scary. It's because it defines, it gives us a perspective into the younger generation and like why they're struggling with so much, like all of the things that we used to get so excited about doing leaving our home and going to college and just taking chances and taking risks and being playful in like very gritty ways. Like children now don't want to leave their nest because they're scared. They've been so it's not all of them, but more than maybe in the past.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, so I'm interested, I'm very excited, to finish this book. I'll probably have it done by the next time we do a podcast it all leads back to a lot of the pharmaceuticals too.

Speaker 2:

Right, because if you can label or diagnose these things, then there's maybe a medication that goes with it. I just with some of the nutrition coaching stuff that I do, I think a lot of it is just ruled by that industry Food, pharmaceuticals, medical, like one feeds the other. It's sad the way things are going. Interesting book though I want to listen to it, I'll do the audio. Are you doing the audio book?

Speaker 1:

I'm doing the audio book and if you don't want to listen, if you don't want to read the book, mark Manson's I think it's one of his last three podcasts. It's worth listening to, but that's not the point of this podcast, so nothing else is new this week. What are you looking forward to? What's making you happy?

Speaker 2:

That's a wonderful question. I love that I am looking forward to. My friend is coming in town this weekend for kind of a long weekend, so we're doing some comedy shows and then Saturday is Nate Bergazzi, which is down in the Springs. We're going to do that and then I have a week booked at my place the timeshare place I have in Breckenridge for the week. So we're going up there Monday and I'll be up there for a week. I'm looking forward to that.

Speaker 1:

Is your friend single.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, she is.

Speaker 1:

You should take this shit with you and do a podcast with her.

Speaker 2:

I don't know if she's ready for that.

Speaker 1:

I'm trying, let's put her on the love life blog.

Speaker 2:

We'll see. I don't know if she has enough stories yet with that.

Speaker 1:

We're going to make a manual of branch off on her own and do a couple yeah.

Speaker 2:

I totally will. I don't know if this friend is ready. I think at some point she will be.

Speaker 1:

That's the best time to catch. I get it.

Speaker 2:

But maybe what I'll do is get her like boozed up on a bunch of wine and I'll just have stuff ready to go Convince her yeah. So I'm looking forward to that.

Speaker 1:

So I wanted to about just the topic noise in our life and how to deal with it, and I think, when I think of like the noise that influences me, the types of things are, it comes from not just strangers, but it comes from our friends and our family and our partners, and it's the noise that I can infiltrate our emotions without us like realizing it at first.

Speaker 1:

Right when you become really aware, you realize how things impact you pretty quickly and you deal with it. But there are, there's a lot of noise in our life, and the more complicated our life becomes whether whether we're married, whether we're in a relationship, whether we're dealing with family the more people we bring into our lives, the more noise there are. And then, on top of it, we have social media, we have the news, we have all these things that impact us, and I think that one of the biggest things that has changed in my life in the last two years is I've created my own virtual dial for noise and I can turn it all the way down and I certainly don't allow it to get turned up.

Speaker 1:

My external dial doesn't really have a very high volume. There's not a lot of external things that I let into my life to create noise. I've got an understanding of how big the universe is, how many people are on this fucking planet, how messy life is, how little I have control over anything and what the fuck am I going to do. You know where I can have an impact. I can have an impact by being attentive when my friend Emanuela has an issue.

Speaker 1:

Sorry thank you, or asking questions and thinking about what I'm going to ask the girl that I'm interested in.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

Or calling my mom and telling her I love her and listening to her about what her day is like.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, versus stuff I have exactly no control over, and I've just learned that noise isn't worth my burden, it's not worth it sounds to me like you've established some priorities in your life and some boundaries with things that are stressful and that you're focusing on things that are, like, important to you. Those are priorities. I think that's fantastic, like being a good friend, being good son, brother, and also just being present in this, like dating experience. I think those are wonderful things to have. It sounds like you're just establishing what your priorities are.

Speaker 2:

What makes you happy, what kind of fills your bucket and stop worrying about the stuff that depletes it.

Speaker 1:

You have to monitor what's impacting, what's toxic and what's not, and then where I want to go with this and not yet, because I want to understand what your noises are, how you deal with noise. But I more want to take this to how do we deal with people who are creating noise in our lives that are important to us, and how do we manage that? Because that's the one that infiltrates us right? That's the one that's hardest to deal with, particularly for people that don't like dealing with controversy and don't like that are more passive, like when noise is all coming from all different directions. A lot of people don't know how to handle that, and what happens is they eventually take it on, yeah, and it molds their, you bottle it up.

Speaker 2:

It's a false personality.

Speaker 1:

It's a false character.

Speaker 2:

They're not being themselves because, they're basically adopting to the wills of everybody else.

Speaker 1:

Eventually you know that stuff can't bottle it up forever, because it does go to the root of owning alone and the relationships we have with ourselves is all about authenticity, and you can't have authenticity if you can't manage the noise. And that's really the whole premise of this whole episode is about how to manage the noise so you can be authentic and you can own your alone, because authenticity can't exist without being yourself.

Speaker 2:

Owning your alone. Part of that for me is being at peace with myself too, and I think that's parallel with what you're talking about here today and like for me some of the noise, watch the news. I limit my screen time on social media. I also take regular breaks from dating apps or whatever and just recenter myself with what I need on like a weekly basis.

Speaker 2:

I make sure that I have a day with no plans. I make sure I have a weekend each month with no plans or pretty limited plans, so that I can just do what I need, because I find if I'm just running nonstop doing stuff, eventually it catches up with me. I just need a minute to like process. I can push through whatever plans or things are happening, but I need to know there's like a light at the end of the tunnel when I can take a minute, reflect and recenter around, like what I need and what's happening around me, people to like setting boundaries with people or whatever. So that's, those are just some basic things that I do, um you said setting boundaries of people.

Speaker 1:

How do you deal with? Because I think one of the greatest noises in our lives is the noise that people create for us, yeah whether it's a guilt trip or passive aggressiveness like are you okay? Setting boundaries and being like yeah I'm said what I said and I don't take it back, kind of thing I'm getting better at it.

Speaker 2:

I try to be open-minded, to like learning and hearing what someone is saying and then also seeing if there's something I can learn about how what I'm bringing to the table. It depends on what that person says and I think it's OK. Do I have something? Did I not intend for that? And then, if I didn't, how can I be better about what I like brought to the table? But then, two, it's sometimes people just need attention or have their own thing that they're dealing with. So I think it just depends on the situation. I think it all goes back to like expectations right, like even with dating, and that's why I think there's like a lot of noise with dating. We have like expectations right, and sometimes those expectations don't line up between the two people that are at the table and sometimes people aren't aware of them, sometimes people aren't aware of them. I've always struggled Like I have friend, a friend in particular, who has told me like always don't have any expectations, and I'm like I don't know what the fuck that means.

Speaker 1:

Around their friendship.

Speaker 2:

No, just like around dating specifically, and also like in work environments, I think, because I was raised with this like the golden rule of treat other people how you want to be treated and always having this idea that I'm going to do my best and bring my best to the table and I assume other people are all doing the same thing and they're not right, so that come, so that for me is an expectation that other people are coming to the table with the same mindset, with the same intention and they're not, and so that can create a lot of frustration lot of times. But I think just if you can at least come to a situation and be open-minded and just hear people out and try to not be defensive, then I think I'm trying to just still be open-minded to what someone's offering me and that way I can make a choice as to whether I receive it or what I do with it. So you were talking about quickly processing what they're saying. It takes me some time to process what people say at times, probably because of the people pleaser in me that I need to my. My quick reaction often is to people please, and so I just need to take a second and not do that, but I think, based on what you said, there are people that when you are changing and they're not, that when you are changing and they're not, there can be some like projecting of okay, so let's say, you and I were friends for the past 20 years and all of a sudden you change and our dynamic no longer works for you, and that might trigger in me a sense of oh wait, are you judging me? You're changing, so do you think you're better than me? Is there something wrong with me? So there's a lot of dynamic happening when these, when you are changing as a person and like the relationships that you have, and so that's where I try to just take a moment to listen to what someone's saying and really understand like where is that coming from? I don't want to burn those bridges with those long friendships if I don't have to. Reframing them would be the ideal way to go. Reframing them is would be the ideal way to go, but I mean, I don't want to just react quickly and be like and create like drama in that situation of this push pull with that person.

Speaker 2:

I have had to walk away from friendships, though, or even put some pretty strict boundaries around family relationships and work relationships, as I discovered what I needed For me. My thermostat sort of reading for the noise is like my anxiety. If my anxiety starts to tick up, there's something off and it's like this just I won't have it. It's typically like I have to put a boundary in place or have a discussion or something is unclear. And that's usually when my anxiety ticks up. It's like my internal sort of meter reading of the situation and so like to cut that noise down. I usually will take like a long walk or journal or do something to just get to the bottom of it and go back and try to have a more calm, thoughtful conversation. That leads to a boundary and if the other person can't meet me with that, then there's some trial and error in that. But I'm not trying to just cut people out necessarily.

Speaker 1:

Oh, I'm not trying to cut people out either. I think I cut people out that I need to cut out.

Speaker 2:

I think now it's more about who I let in um yeah, for sure, and I think that that all comes with time and being open too, which means you're in in shutting it down, so like particular strangers, I have no problem.

Speaker 1:

Like I said, I work in the. I work in commercial real estate and there's a lot of people in the far right in my industry and it's an election year and they like to talk about politics and I'm very quick to be like, hey, I'm here to do business. I've got a template. Basically, I'm like I'm here to do business, I don't want to talk about politics, we're here to talk about my loans, and that's usually well respected. Sometimes it's not, and it's the same side with anybody else that wants to talk about this and talk about that and I just don't. Maybe it's a cop-out, but I generally want to get to know people.

Speaker 1:

I generally like letting people in my life, regardless of what walks of life they come from. I enjoy meeting people and I can be a judge or two. I judge people for sure, but I want to give them the benefit of the doubt. But there's no way to. There's no better way to isolate everybody than to then there's probably like a word for it the pillars of things you don't bring up. Yeah, do you have kids? Do you are you married? What do you love besides politics? And can we talk about something that's genuine? Because we need to go back to. We need to go back to the fact that we're human beings and unless you're a narcissist, you're like a real narcissist, not the ones that everybody keeps classifying because we overuse that word.

Speaker 2:

But if you're a real human being.

Speaker 1:

Bad therapy, yeah, bad therapy You're probably a good person and there's probably common ground and there's probably but we get like, like when I didn't flush this out when I came up with the topic. But people can indiscreetly ruin my day or ruin my hour, whether it's somebody flicked me off because I made a mistake driving, or somebody said something to cut me down or like a backhanded compliment or something like where it catches me off guard and I don't have enough time or I'm too busy, like I'm coming from this from a perspective of not having kids, not having a girlfriend or a wife. There's nothing that like complicates my life. But if you take, if I'm trying to put myself in the shoes of, let's say, a father with three kids and a wife, his life is way more complicated. You can imagine how this noise gets really loud because there's all these other human beings in his space and then he works with a bunch of.

Speaker 1:

I also don't work with people. I have one partner, so my life is, like completely boiled down to very non-complicated. So I have really good control over my noise, but I'm putting myself in the shoes of somebody that has way more noise and way less time and way less alone time to deal with the noise and let's talk to how does he or she deal with that, and that takes like serious discipline and this is where you're like you have to start not giving a fuck. You have to start not giving a fuck about. You have to be. It's all about managing your principles and your thoughts and being disciplined around like where you exist and creating boundaries around that and communicating to people like I don't want to talk about politics, I don't want your negativity yeah, but those are just boundaries and like knowing, yeah, those are just boundaries, the for the person you mentioned people run train over boundaries all day long I agree.

Speaker 2:

I think we have to have a narrative and some quick phrases to use to uphold those boundaries.

Speaker 2:

No, that would not help, but like my therapist would say I would say what do I do when somebody says this back to me? And she would say you say I like the way I'm doing it. I don't, I don't need your opinion. I didn't need it because I would say oh, this person often will criticize how they'll ask about something. I'll give an update on whatever it is and then I'll get a criticism because I'm never doing something right. It was like yeah, that's when you say I like the way I'm doing it, okay, Right. So just having some like little phrases like that to come back and just I think it just takes time with these longstanding relationships. There's their own dynamic. We have our own narratives that we have in our head too, like I think.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, some of the noise is self like.

Speaker 2:

We have those like neural pathways of when you're filling in blanks of whether there's space in a relationship, or just like when you're filling in blanks for yourself. If someone's not being transparent with you, like it can very quickly go a negative way because you're being like very like protective of yourself and thinking of like when did this go wrong in the past? And oh gosh, this must mean X, y, z, and so it's just like we can be our own worst enemy. I think that's where a lot of like mindfulness and having quiet time is important. Like when you started, you just recently said, like those people who don't have the downtime need to be more, if I heard you correctly, need to be more diligent about not giving a fuck. I think it's the opposite. I think they need to slow down. This is my opinion, based on my experience.

Speaker 1:

I think they would argue they can't slow down.

Speaker 2:

No, I think it's choice. I think it's avoiding the quiet time because you don't want to actually think and process and deal with what's in front of you. I think you need a little quiet time. That's my opinion, coming from someone who used to be on the go nonstop all the time. It was an avoidance of just sit with what was happening. How else do you process what's going?

Speaker 1:

on around you, I agree, but I think you take that quiet time to build, your, to build. I think this has everything to do with understanding yourself so well that you're instinctually know how to deal with the noise and do it quickly.

Speaker 2:

Is that what you're saying? Yeah, and it's all based on principles and conviction.

Speaker 1:

It's conviction and principles. This is how I believe this is my take on when this noise comes into my life.

Speaker 2:

Okay.

Speaker 1:

And this is how I deal with it, and I deal in consistency. The pillars are principle, conviction and consistency. The pillars are principle, conviction and consistency, so being consistent about how you deal with certain types of noise and being consistent about it. Because you're consistent, because it's a principle, it's a conviction that you have about how you deal with that. I don't allow toxic people to infiltrate my life.

Speaker 2:

Okay.

Speaker 1:

So I always shut it down and deal with it always and I say the same thing. I've got a template just like how we deal with dating.

Speaker 2:

If we don't like we went on a date with somebody.

Speaker 1:

We've got our template like it's the same thing. So, and so decided to talk about, to talk about their, how their ex, for the 15th time, fucking texted them when they were drunk and blah blah and how it made them feel. And they want to go out and drinks and talk about it. As no, mary jane, I'm not going out and having drinks with you to talk about your ex, but why don't we go have a drink and talk about what it might look for like to you?

Speaker 2:

yeah, someone who just hasn't moved on. Like yeah, someone who hasn't moved on.

Speaker 1:

And I'm done playing, and I'm not going to play therapist with you any longer, because we've already told you that you need to deal with this on your own or move on, because we've given you enough time, and I'm not telling people not to. There are people in our life where it's okay to let the noise bounce off us and to deal with it.

Speaker 1:

When we get to set our boundaries around, how much of that, how much of a runway we're going to give that person for that thing? I'm not just talking about like just completely being oblivion to your people, but I'm just talking about. I just found myself. I found myself in a relationship in my past.

Speaker 1:

I got really lost in the noise and, being a passive person from Wisconsin that didn't know how to deal with controversy and all this noise, my anxiety was through the roof. I didn't know who I was, I was debilitated and handicapped around my regular livelihood and it just absorbed me. And it can, it all consume me. And so I have to imagine that I'm not the only person that has happened to or that people that have been in that and I'm saying that I am completely a 180 from that person now, because I created a force field around myself and the conviction and the principle and the courage to speak up and say no, I don't want this noise. And does it create friction? You're fucking damn sure it does. It creates friction around the people that are like who is this guy telling me that I'm not right Because you're not Love it? Yeah, that's the difference. Now it's good.

Speaker 2:

I think okay, so you and I identify as having a bit more like anxious attachments. I think Would you agree with that comment.

Speaker 1:

I have a history sort of cycle.

Speaker 2:

And you don't know what weighs up, right, like you're just reacting all the time and it's fun.

Speaker 2:

But I think, once you do the work, work through where that anxiety comes from, work through being a people pleaser, whatever it is for you that you choose more wisely and heal that part and have awareness around anxiety, how it plays, what the role is like, why you're having it, so that it doesn't become a hindrance.

Speaker 2:

But then also so that, like you attract somebody who has more like narcissistic type tendencies and you can start that sort of dance where you that you described, right Like that, you're like oh my gosh, I don't know, you're just reacting all the time, and so I think there is like a way through that, though, like you learn to trust yourself and recenter and know again, going back to like boundaries and knowing what you need and having priorities and being able to just trust yourself and your judgment, being selective about who you let into your world too, is like super important. I think I've also gone to extremes, though, of where I'm then like very closed off, like I find a problem with everybody because you don't want to be vulnerable, and like open up to that and, like we've talked about this before where you can like overcorrect the other way, and then you got to come back to center. I think it's good to overcorrect.

Speaker 1:

I think the easiest way to manage noise in your life is to eliminate a lot of it yeah, and that's by eliminating making your circle smaller. As I get older, I can guarantee you, my circle is only going to get smaller.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and.

Speaker 1:

I think that's okay.

Speaker 2:

And I think, which is so interesting, because you like, love to meet people.

Speaker 1:

I do love meeting people.

Speaker 2:

So how do you maneuver that?

Speaker 1:

And I have an influence on most people I meet. Yeah, they just don't all need to be a part of my life.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

And they'll remember me and I'll remember them, and some of them are being recorded on this podcast.

Speaker 2:

Insert Sarah McLachlan song. Yeah, some of them are being recorded on this podcast, Insert Sarah McLachlan song.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, but I think we talked about. I think we're hitting on these pillars of principle, conviction and boundaries.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, communication, they're really important.

Speaker 1:

These are all the foundations of owning the relationship with yourself and this is why I wanted to do this episode about noise is because noise is such an influence on everybody's life and it can be over-consuming and we're swimming in noise all the time. Right, there's always noise. Turn up the mic, right, like it's always there. And we have to have a good relationship with yourself. You have to learn how to control it, and you can't control it unless you start to stand up for yourself, and the best way to do that, too, is to create your own noise. And the noise is that you need to be on repeat about your principles and your conventions. You need to remind people that this is what you stand for.

Speaker 2:

And remind yourself these are your principles.

Speaker 1:

I am a good person that doesn't talk about politics, that welcomes anybody in my life. I don't want negativity and blah, blah, blah. And this is who I'm trying to be. I'm a very open person. Don't bring your toxicity into my life. Now again, we all have moments of toxicity. We all have moments of negativity. We all have our down moments. We all have moments of negativity. We all have our down moments. And that's where your inner circle is there for you. Those are the people that know that it's okay, but they're also the ones that, like you've had six weeks now, slap you across the face and you're like you're fucking good.

Speaker 2:

You're like you're good, get out of bed. Get out of bed, let's go.

Speaker 1:

Because life is super short, let's go Because life is super short. Like these things will take you down and people will clean. Like people will clean.

Speaker 2:

And things can, yeah, things can spiral, yeah.

Speaker 1:

So I think just having a good support pass away yeah so there's all of these like major life events happening either to us or to our circle, the people in our circle, and it's we're at an age where it's the first time for our people right, and they really need to lean on us to be there for them, but they don't know how to, some of them don't necessarily know how to let go and they don't know how to deal with it, and these things can become overwhelming right Maneuver going through like tragedy, I think as we get older it's the have and the have nots of people that have gained awareness and dealt with their own mental health, and I'm going to boil it down to anything it's the people that put in the work and the people that didn't.

Speaker 1:

And the people that did are like ah, noise, noise.

Speaker 2:

It's nice to be a very like supportive friend. That is something that I really strive to be supportive friend even in like the work environment, like I love to see people succeed. I love to just be able to give someone something from something I've learned. But there is also a point where some people need to just do it themselves and go get a therapist. At least, that's like what I'm taking away from your comment there of the noise Like people who have not done the work leaning on people who have. Sure I can extend an olive branch and help point you in the right direction. I lean on my friends as they do on me, and I'm okay with that. It's too nice but I like that.

Speaker 2:

I learn from that though, like I learn from other people's experiences. So it's selfish sometimes because I get something from it. But there does come a time where it crosses a line into maybe a bit of like codependency, like you also, like we can talk and go through scenarios and, well, share whatever, spend hours talking to friends about this stuff but or whatever they're going through. I think there are some times and not for me, like recently, I would say, but in the past where it would cross a line to where it's like a codependency thing, where you got to draw a line and say, okay, like I can help you this far, but then point somebody to like a therapist to get some like real help because they need to do the work themselves. But you know, if they're coming to you I would see it as a compliment. If they're seeing a change in you that they admire, maybe they want some of that too.

Speaker 1:

I actually love playing that role in people's life.

Speaker 2:

Should we play therapists then Maybe that should be like something. I don't know we're non-therapists.

Speaker 1:

I'm not a therapist. I know I'm not either.

Speaker 2:

I'm like we need to find some time.

Speaker 1:

I tend to encourage people, when they're negative around me, to turn it positive and and I try to give them perspective. That's what I think I've taught myself is how to turn my negative stuff into pot and focus on the positive and the perspective. And yeah, I don't really know, I don't have a lot of noise.

Speaker 2:

I was trying to think of topics people could write in to us about. I was like oh, maybe there's something there.

Speaker 1:

People should write us period because we've got things to talk about. But yeah, I think we did a pretty good job of this one.

Speaker 1:

I think summarizing it up is have the courage to turn your dial down when it comes to noise and I think you again I go back to owning the relationship with yourself is like part of it is you're going to be a better person for everybody in your life, including your children, including your family, including your husband or your wife and your mother and father or grandfather if you have dialed in your principles and your convictions and your boundaries and how to set them, and being 100% yourself and how you communicate to your people and having the balls to do it and then get rid of the fucks that shouldn't be given. I'm going to say this in every episode get rid of the fucks that shouldn't be given. I'm going to say that's in every episode. Get rid of the fucks that shouldn't be given, because we give too many fucks to things that we shouldn't give fucks about. But yeah, so this is the end of episode 16.

Speaker 1:

And we do want to hear from you. We're eventually going to get a little more organized here. We want to hear your stories. If you like this topic, reach out to us and let us know how you deal with your noise. We also love talking about dating and all the things and relationships with ourselves. You can find us on Instagram at owningalone. You can find Emanuela at Emanuelae Accountability you butchered that one yeah.

Speaker 2:

Accountability with E.

Speaker 1:

Accountability with E, which is also in the description. I'm at Joel Popper, jay Popper, and then I'm on the TikTok at Joel Popper and, most importantly, you can email us at Joel at owningalonepodcastcom, something like that. It's all in the description, but anyway, we're getting better and this Sasquatch is out and we'll get a nickname for Emanuela. Eventually We'll get a tagline we're solving aloneness. Love you guys. Bye.

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Joel Poppert

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