Midlife Uncensored
Midlife Uncensored-Real Life Discussions from Over the Hillis the no-holds-barred podcast you didn’t know you needed. Hosted by Joel Poppert, aka Poppy—the friendly Sasquatch with an epic beard—and his fiery co-host, Emanuela Messineo, aka E, this show unapologetically dives into the chaos, comedy, and WTF moments of midlife. If you’re 35-55 and ready to embrace the rollercoaster of aging, this podcast is your new home base.
Poppy and E tackle everything from modern dating disasters in the hilarious sub-series The Love Laugh Lounge (the “festivus” of dating) to real-life shit like divorce, mental breakdowns, balding, sagging tits, and figuring out how to parent while still figuring yourself out and maybe dealing with an unhinged ex. With a blend of interview episodes and no-expert-needed banter (except when we bring on experts), these two cut through the BS and get real about midlife—no filters, no sugarcoating, just pure, unfiltered truth with a heavy dose of humor. Expect raw, relatable stories, unfiltered guidance, tough love, easy happiness, and a few episodes where the comedy comes from alcohol infused banter, because who give a fuck, right?
Whether you’re dealing with the joys of aging, trying to keep your sanity while raising kids, or attempting to find love in a sea of idiots, Midlife Uncensored has your back. Expect a few F-bombs, some belly laughs, and a whole lot of honesty as Poppy and E rip the band-aid off midlife and give you permission to thrive in this beautifully messy chapter. It's not just about surviving midlife—it's about unfucking it and owning it! This is your community; we are in it together!
Midlife Uncensored
A Random Series of Wine Fueled Late-Night Reflections ft. Emanuela Messineo
Settle into your favorite nook with a glass of wine and join me, Poppy, along with my Owning Alone's favorite regular, Emanuela Messineo, for an intimate late-night conversation that dances through the delights and dilemmas of the single, 40-something lifestyle. Think of us as two friends unraveling the rich tapestry that is solo living in Denver, sharing laughter and wisdom in equal measure. We muse over the everyday—from embracing the tranquil moments of a quiet back porch to the vibrant pulse of late-night outings—as we candidly swap stories of navigating the single life with passion and purpose.
As the night deepens, our exchange delves into the intricacies of modern relationships, especially the nuanced journey of dating single parents and how it shapes our quest for meaningful connections. Through tales of personal growth and the delicate balance between independence and companionship, we offer a collective insight into the evolving dance between being a guest at life's table, or confidently hosting it. Our discussion weaves through the importance of foundational values and the courage to hold out for a relationship that truly resonates with who we are, rather than settling for the sake of convention.
Wrapping up our cozy rendezvous, we turn a thoughtful lens on the societal shifts that have redefined relationship standards and self-awareness. With a spotlight on mental health, autonomy, and the liberating yet challenging choice to remain single or childfree, we underscore the beauty of embracing one's identity amidst a world of change. We invite you to join us in this soul-bearing journey. Let's stand together in celebrating the freedom and fulfillment that comes from truly owning our alone.
Follow Emanuela’s personal and nutritional coaching adventures on Instagram @accountability_with_e
How to Engage with Us
- Email us at joel@owningalonepodcast.com
- DM us on Instagram midlifeuncensored
- Follow Joel on IG jpoppert
- Follow Emanuela on IG emanuela5683 or accountability_with_e
Thanks for joining the Owning Alone community, I certainly appreciate you!
Welcome back to the Owning Alone podcast. It's your favorite host, poppy. You know that fucking special Sasquatch with the epic beard game Recording live from Denver, colorado, not in my Sasquatch cave. I left the Sasquatch cave because I am Ben very well hosted at one of our favorite guests, emanuela Messinaio. Good job. At her home we have, in full transparency, been drinking a little bit of wine. We just ate some food. So I am calling this a little bit of the late night version of the only alone podcast. We don't really have much of an itinerary, but I brought her back because I really want her to be a regular guest and it's our opportunity to sort of talk about whatever the fuck we feel like talking about tonight. So bring it on.
Speaker 1:For all those who haven't listened to episode number one, stop right now and go back and listen to episode one. It's the episode about the people. Pleaser and Emmanuel and I are very good friends and we have a really good time together and we are both the same age. We're both very single. I would call myself single as fuck. She does a little bit better job of dating than I do. She gives guys a few dates. I usually give girls one date and I don't know if we're going to have a topic yet, topic yet. But anyway, like I'm rambling right now, but welcome back to the show. Thanks for having me always do you have to talk louder, though we don't have headphones?
Speaker 1:I'm excited sorry I forgot scream like the italian that you are. Yeah, okay, I know you're italian, I know you're weird.
Speaker 2:I know I was like very quiet on the last one too.
Speaker 1:I feel like relative yeah, this one's gonna be, I'm gonna, I'm gonna be loud I'm gonna. I'm gonna be a little bit more boisterous because I've been wanting to, I've been holding back.
Speaker 2:I'll be somewhere in between rude and jared freed got it okay, just don't scream at me, please, in a screeching we all know you're Italian.
Speaker 1:How are you doing?
Speaker 2:I just try to taper the loudness. Sometimes it can be a little much.
Speaker 1:No, I get it. So I appreciate you doing this today. I know I've told you I've been still sort of narrowing in my thesis, if you want to call it that, but this is my attempt to bring the Only Alone podcast back more to self-improvement, less mental health and more like what is everybody our age, you know, 30 to 50 doing and what are we struggling with and what are we embracing and what are we empowering and trying to bring it back to a little bit more less mental health, more you know what's going on.
Speaker 2:well, you said like okay, but you said like self-help versus mental health, or was that self-improvement okay.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we can call it empowerment, yeah sure more like just what are we fucking doing?
Speaker 2:what are we doing? What are we doing with dating specifically or in life in general? Yeah, should we?
Speaker 1:tell all our people that are doing with dating specifically or in life in general. Yeah, Should we tell all our people that are married with kids like what we get to do with our lives.
Speaker 2:I mean sure, why not?
Speaker 1:Like I wake up and nobody's there to bother me. Yeah, it's really nice.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I've definitely although I definitely just thinking about waking up need a better morning routine again. I had a really good one and the time change really messed with me Really.
Speaker 1:Ironically, this is the first time the time change didn't mess with me. I think it caught me off guard.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's throwing me off a little bit, so this week I got to dial it back in.
Speaker 1:My problem with the time change is now that I'm so old that, like I'm not so sure, I like it to be light out at 8.30 at night, because I kind of want to feel less guilty about going in my basement and watching Netflix.
Speaker 2:Well, it's only going to get worse, for a while, I know. Should support all the dating, though All the dating outings.
Speaker 1:Oh, I still, all my dates are scheduled at like. I try to get my dates to go on dates with me at 4 o'clock.
Speaker 2:Is it like a senior special or what? Well, it's happy hour because, you know, denver is so popular now that happy hour is between three and five, heaven forbid we have happy hour after working hours.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, that's not just it. For me, it's like, yeah, like going home making my dinner. I love my back porch. I love sitting on my back porch and listening to podcasts or reading my books.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So I do like that. But like, yeah, it stays light out until eight o'clock and I'm like at that point, eight o'clock, eight 30 is about when I eat my CBD gummy and I'm like I'm ready to like let it do its magic. Okay. So I usually pass out somewhere between 930 and 1030. Somebody the other day was like we should go out, we should go to a rave. I'm like, I'm not going to a rave and I'm not going out past nine o'clock. Who the fuck are you? Who is this?
Speaker 2:person A rave.
Speaker 1:It was the episode 12. It was Allie person, a rave. It was the episode 12. It was Allie. Oh bless her heart. She's 29 years old?
Speaker 2:yeah, she's, because she still has the late night energy. I was just complaining to you about going to a 9 45 show at the comedy works or whatever in Denver and I was like, shoot, I gotta drink all this coffee, like I needed an a couple espresso martinis to get through yeah so that's that's where I'm at right now with that. So we're gonna talk to our married friends about what our lives look like. What's like an average day and or week for you an average like or maybe not.
Speaker 2:Okay, ideal or average, you you decide or what are our struggles? Yeah, no, just like. What is? Why does it have to be struggles?
Speaker 1:Can't it be positive Such a hustle. I go to bed when I fucking feel like going to bed. Bless my dog's heart. She never wakes me up, she knows. I get up somewhere between zero and two times to go to the bathroom. At night I wake up typically without alarm. I don't think I've set an alarm, except for during hunting season okay I never set an alarm, but I wake up.
Speaker 1:Typically I wake up at 6 30 I don't technically get out of my bed at 6 30 and and then I'm usually out around seven. I let let the dog out the back, do any dishes that are left over. I make my bed get things cleaned up and let the coffee brew. As soon as there's one cup of coffee in that pot, I pour it into my cup. I microwave it, cause it's not even warm enough yet. I microwave it for 30 seconds and then I sit in my chair, my nice leather chair, and I look at TikTok or Instagram or swipe on the dating apps, and then, about 30 minutes into that, I go downstairs and work out. Are you?
Speaker 2:going into an office.
Speaker 1:No, I never go to the office, never go into an office. I go see my partner, mark, every try to go once a week on Wednesdays, which means I got to drive to Boulder and it's super annoying. I mean, I love seeing my partner and I like going to Boulder, but that drive has become a real joke. There's no good. There's no good way around it, unless you go 6 to 8 o'clock at night and then from there I work from home. Yeah, I work from home.
Speaker 2:What are you doing for fun?
Speaker 1:Dating.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:Hanging out with you my podcast, I mean you're my new- best friend, lucky you, you're my new best friend.
Speaker 2:I mean, I'll take it, I like it. I'm secretly interviewing you for the co-host position I don't know if you realize this, joel, but it's been my mission since you first told me I was like he doesn't know, it's gonna be me no, it's probably. It's such a just, but you know, I have take their course though like, like you do with dating too, joel, we gotta like sit back and let things happen. I know, but I have serious commitment issues.
Speaker 1:I know You're not just like one of my dates where I could be like, oh, it was really nice to meet you, and but I'm just not vibing.
Speaker 2:So yeah, no, you can't get rid of me now. I'm sorry, sorry about your luck.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but no, I am. So what's your day look like?
Speaker 2:Well, it was much better. Should I talk to you about pre-time change or post-time change, like the last few weeks?
Speaker 1:Is it that dramatic?
Speaker 2:Yes, yeah, because I was getting up like three, probably three days a week at like 4 am and going to the gym and getting like a book, some Spanish lessons, some coffee in by, like you know, and then shower, get ready for my day. It was a really good routine.
Speaker 1:Do you say Spanish sessions?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I have like just an app, the Pimsleur app, that.
Speaker 1:I use for Spanish and Italian lessons, so I mean I speak.
Speaker 2:Italian, but I just like just an app, the Pimsleur app that I use for Spanish and Italian lessons. So I mean, I speak Italian but I just like forget a lot because I don't get to actually practice it that much. So it's just nice to like hear the words so I can keep it fresh for when I want to travel. I need a new passport stamp this year, so but I, yeah, ideally would be like workout in the morning and get some of that stuff done. That's really, I think, when I function my best, like throughout the days, if I get some of that stuff done in the morning. But lately I haven't been able to like get out of bed before like seven. It's like such a drag.
Speaker 1:It's still pretty early for some people.
Speaker 2:I know, but still like. What's's funny is like pre time change it's 4am and now it's like I can't get out of bed before seven, like what oh you went from four to seven. That's a big swing and there's no excuse. So I don't know what's happening Anyhow.
Speaker 1:So the only time that I don't sleep well is when I drink too much, because my liver decides to process everything around three 30 in the morning and then it's like other than that, if I don't drink too much, then I'm. I've been able to with. I found CBD gummies that I used to do marijuana and I mean, I'm not judging anybody, I've done my share of marijuana, but I just like, don't like being stoned as much anymore, so like. But I found a CBD gummy man and it just puts me down. That's good.
Speaker 1:Not like it's CBD. You know how they describe it Like it's one of those things when you're ready to go to bed, you go to bed, and so the marijuana gummies that I was, the Indica's that I was doing, it was like I couldn't even sometimes I couldn't even bring myself to get off the damn couch. Oh, wow, so I would sleep on the couch, and that's not good for me. So I found something.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I understand what you're saying, but I don't. I won't take it like down here Like I I've like wait till I get to bed and then I take like a hit.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I do like the vape pen if I need it, but I don't do it that often. It's just like if I anticipate that I'm going to have a tough time sleeping, for like mostly, if I'm like stressed out about something, like something's on my mind and I know I'm not going to be able to like clear my mind, then I have to like do something to help calm that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and then I'll like meditate and do the things so this is funny because we're talking to our friends with kids and significant others.
Speaker 2:What a great life. Yeah, it sounds rough.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like, yeah it is, it's really rough okay, so the things that I gotta think about the things I gotta plan for yeah, they're like not getting any sleep.
Speaker 2:They've got kids running around. They can't, they're just in survival mode. I watch my friends Like I have some really cool friends that are like great parents and somehow managing. They're managing that and maintaining like a really good relationship with their spouse. It's a lot of work and they're all working, Like both of them are working it's. It's a lot. I legit don't know how they do it.
Speaker 1:I don't know either. I mean, I think you, just you.
Speaker 2:You make the choice. You have, you have to. You know you basically don't sleep that much. They don't sleep that much and you just kind of go into autopilot.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I really want to bring somebody on with kids and really hammer them for a second. I don't know. I love kids. I think they're adorable. I think they're going to pay our Social Security, so we should support them and advocate for them. I think they're going to do cool things. But I got into this age now where they just don't look that fun. But I got into this age now where they just don't look that fun. Like I hang out with the kids, with my friend's kids, for like two hours and I'm like it's exhausting and I and I it makes me feel shame, a little bit of shame, honestly, because I'm like man, like I was trying to have kids when I was married and I'm like what would I have done? And everybody's like, well, you'll it out, but it's just like yeah, fuck, I think it's different number one I always want, it's your own kids.
Speaker 2:There there's, I think, just a difference. I don't know because I don't have kids, but I just have to imagine that. But I also think you know it's a choice you've made, it's a commitment you've made and there's really not a lot of options, so you just got to kind of go with it and make the best of it. I don't think it's fun all the time. I think as they get older, like it can be more gratifying and and whatnot. But I mean it's definitely a lifestyle that you have to be committed to. You know, we certainly see like I don't know, there's definitely people that maybe took on more than they could handle. And you don't know until you get there. But I mean, then you, I don't, I don't know what happens. Then Right, then you have think, thankfully we have therapists.
Speaker 1:Then there's probably a part of me that's like right, so like there's probably a part of me that's just a little bit masking something that I probably wanted. I just it's very. You know me, I'm a very. I analyze everything. This is my biggest problem. I analyze everything and I wonder what it like would have been like to be a father, but anyway, I'm not like to be a father, but anyway I'm not going to be a father. I very recently opened up the idea of dating women, of children, and actually kind of excited about that.
Speaker 2:Like girl with one kid.
Speaker 1:With one kid and a good relationship with the father, I can yeah that seems interesting to me because I can maybe get a little glimpse of it, not be super responsible for for this person and maybe maybe fall into it a little bit, like in in it's. But it's so weird for me because I think I would have been, I think I would have been a good father, I think I would have been a good father and there's this sort of like when I, when you get into my brain about analyzing this, like people are like, well, you still can be a father. No, that's not. This is what always comes up when I have this conversation.
Speaker 1:It's like I would have been a good father. I could have been a good father. I don't want to be a father anymore. I don't want to be a father anymore. I don't want to be a father anymore because I, just for me, I feel old and I feel old enough where I don't want, like I don't even want, another dog, so I don't want a kid. You know, does that make sense? Like I don't particularly a newborn kid that I'm like fully responsible for. I've kind of particularly a newborn kid that I'm like fully responsible for. I've kind of I think the way easiest way maybe to explain it is I've sort of I've, for the most part, leaned into this very unencumbered life, this healthy, this routine that I have. I like my routine, I like my routine, and a kid would be so disruptive and I mean Jesus Christ, like a relationship would be disruptive at this point. But I'm open to that. But like okay.
Speaker 2:So I feel like you've had a bit of like a journey, just even since, like starting the podcast of like what you are looking for, like all right, just like in the dating realm of like kids no kids or relationship, no, you know like maybe taking things a little bit slower. So, like, where are you now and how did how did you come to be like a little bit more open to the idea of dating somebody with kids?
Speaker 1:I think I'm, now I'm, I'm a little bit more open to circum, like the person in the situation and open communications. I mean, I've dated enough to know that like life is just it's not. We can't define it on our own. We can't, we don't necessarily know what's going to make us happy. So I'm, I know what can't work Like, I know that a woman that's raising three children on her own a hundred percent of the time, that's too much friction between my life, yeah, but I'm also kind of coming to the relation realization that I don't want to date 20 somethings because there's too much difference between me and them.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I want a meaningful relationship and then a lot of the good, a lot of good women have children and are single. So for me I'm opening that door a little bit to, because I'm finding that those women tend to be pretty boss, pretty, pretty fun, tend to be able to handle a lot of things and also are like super open and like they don't have the list, they don't have the things, they're just like here's who I am. It's not a take it or leave it thing, it's a very open.
Speaker 2:They just they can, they tend to be able to communicate so maybe a little bit more maturity with yeah, maturity, I mean not that not that people without don't have that, but like are you finding that that's like? There's a little less pressure.
Speaker 1:I guess their, their start line is respect, communication, intimacy like it's simple, foundational stuff, and I think they understand that inherently because they're so. They have other priorities and I'm not saying I don't find that in women that don't have children either, but I think you're just like opening the door to something else.
Speaker 2:I was just curious, like how you got there, cause you were not really there before, which is okay. Like these things are evolving, like that you know you have like good or bad experiences, or as you go through it's like okay, I'm not finding what I'm looking for with this. Like maybe I need to change like something like how I'm filtering people Right. Like it's hard, because you can like really like you can really narrow yourself down into like a very small pool, and there's a lot of good people out there that you know. So you have to be like careful about how you're doing that. So I'm glad that you've like opened that up.
Speaker 2:I think it's cool. Like you know, you said you've like closed this door to sort of like the idea of being a father, but like I mean there is a way to sort of not take that role with someone that you're dating who has kids, but like still be kind of a cool influence to kids. You know, I mean it might be therapeutic. Like I think there's a lot wrapped up in the decision to not have kids or the fact that maybe it didn't work out the way that you wanted to, you know, like whether that was your choice or not, but then also to then eventually make the choice to like not seek that out and like I've gone through that in a different way than you have, and so like it's just interesting to see where you're at with that.
Speaker 1:So yeah, I mean it's. I think I'm still unraveling, yeah, I'm still like unpacking some protection type stuff. I have going on some walls that I have up from my past relationships, some not knowing. So I think I'm a letting, I'm letting people communicate with me, more people communicate with me to tell me their story and to see if it works for me, because the reality is is now I'm, I'm at, I'm just past the two-year mark, I'm two and a half, almost two and a half year mark of my divorce and I'm a little bit, I'm a lot more open, and I guess the easiest way to put it is I think I'm a little bit, I'm a lot more open, and I guess the easiest way to put it is I think I'm now acknowledging that I don't know what Joel doesn't know.
Speaker 1:Yet In the last sort of like two years, joel put up a bunch of walls to say I just want to be completely unencumbered, I just want situationships and I just want to see what's out there for me. And now I've sort of seen what's out there for me and now I'm like okay, and I'm getting wiser and older in my mental health to like, know that like what's most important is is an authentic relationship with a human being that I'm attracted to, and if she has a kid, then I guess we'll figure that one out. So you're better than I am at being the third wheel.
Speaker 2:The fifth, wheel, the 11th wheel, just better than you are? Yeah, you're better than me, period.
Speaker 1:There's no doubt there. I think most of my listeners probably figured this out by now. But you're better at this than me. You're better at the third wheel fifth wheel thing throwing parties wheel. Fifth wheel thing throwing parties. And tell me how you I guess you like, what's your perspective going into that, because I think my listeners probably are all in that situation. We're all some odd prime number of wheels in our relationships.
Speaker 1:We, we all as single people, we're always going to our friends' houses with kids and having dinners with them and stuff which I enjoy.
Speaker 2:I mean, it's taken a long time to get comfortable with that and to just kind of fully embrace that. But you know, I think there's also it's weird. So I end up hosting a lot because I feel like sometimes I don't get invited. I don't know if they think I'll be uncomfortable or if people just think of inviting other couples. But I think you just get to a point where I don't want to just have somebody with me, to have somebody with me. I want it to be someone that is actually that I'm going to have a good time with. So I've just had to consciously make an effort to be comfortable being an odd number at times. I think that just comes for me, came with maybe forcing having a date to stuff that then I just wasn't enjoying myself because I didn't really want that person there and I was just doing it to like not be that odd number.
Speaker 2:So I don't know like again, it's like the idea of choosing to not be in a relationship until you find somebody that's like a good match. It's the same thing like just taking somebody with you to an event, like why, why be with someone you don't want to be there with? For me it's more about trying to enjoy the people that are around me, regardless of whether I have somebody with me or not. And you find that like I mean there's plenty of times that go out with friends that are in relationships and like they don't necessarily socialize with one another like the couples. So you know that's okay. So it kind of if the group is sort of big enough, it really you don't really notice it. You know what I mean. So it's sort of, you know, if I'm but do they notice you?
Speaker 2:At this point. No for me. No, I mean, I've been single long enough, Like you know. I've dated like here and there, but not I don't. It usually takes me a while to to take somebody out with my friends, so they are pretty used to me being solo, so I don't think they notice it. I think they'd more so notice if I actually had someone with me. They'd be like what's happening?
Speaker 1:So everybody's taking a potty break. This is probably more of a topic for the Love Laugh Lounge, but it's not actually that funny. The whole premise of this podcast was the fact that like podcast was the fact that like being alone is more, is an increasingly more common human experience, and the reason I titled it owning alone was because I think a lot of people are. I think a lot of people are empowered in their solitude and their choices of being solo, being single. I think that, to me, owning alone means prioritizing the relationship with yourself. Right, and let's talk about the noise. Let's talk about the noise.
Speaker 1:So in the dating world, just dating in general, dating is the worst and every city is the worst and men and women are the worst and blah, blah, blah. And dating is such a shit and blah, blah, blah, and this and that, and nobody likes me and my family, this and this and that. And I think that when you actually boil down the noise, this is a good conversation to have, when you actually like look at the noise and boil it down, and I always stay on top of it, like I float, like the foam and I'm very positive and I'm like you know, I don't think it's social media and technology and this stuff. I think it's a. I think that mental health has taken a stage. I think that awareness has taken a stage. I think it's a.
Speaker 1:I think that mental health has taken a stage. I think that awareness has taken a stage. I think that people are people are figuring out that they can be happy alone. The problem is is that we're in this sort of transition period. We're in this period of, like, people are getting really comfortable being alone in solitude and owning their shit and doing their shit and they're making women are making more money and men and blah, blah and everybody's. There's a subset of there's people that are being more empowered yeah and that has created friction in the old ways of being.
Speaker 1:so we're all super frustrated because everybody's so fucking independent now. But when you look at your life like yes, I get frustrated with dating because relationships are hard to get in, but I'm not I'm gonna be the first one to tell you that I'm not quite sure I want to be in a relationship. So I think we're we're living through this sort of like just like the 60s empowerment sort of phase of human beings where of course, there's going to be friction. So like we're just starting to talk about all these things now and do you want to unpack any of that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think, okay, so I really like how yeah, there's like a lot of noise and it's easy to get caught up in that and let it take you down like a negative, into like a negative place. So like the owning alone piece I feel like needs to be more empowering and like your choice, not like, oh, someone's not choosing me or I don't know. Like there's always like a different way you can look at things right, like we, we talked about maybe this like concept of just always keeping perspective and like importance of having that. So, like all these things, I think it's it's hard, but it's like a full time job to like stay positive through some of these things, because it it's.
Speaker 2:I think our generation is really one of the first to start making choices to not have children or to not get married, and it's hard to navigate that and it's becoming more normal, but there is still like a lot of pressure to conform to these things. So, like where I'm kind of going with this is like, yeah, we, we there's a lot of us that are very independent and that's great, and but then, like how do we all fit together? Too can be frustrating, like when you're on, like people's expectations and people that don't know what they're looking for are too close minded, all these things like people are coming into the dating world frustrated and it makes it difficult too. Right, we all have like our own baggage or whatever, but like it's hard, like I don't know if it's a defense mechanism sometimes, and I'm just kind of rambling at this point.
Speaker 1:But I mean, I have, I have a a really interesting theory on this.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:I think that when you build a very healthy relationship with yourself, alone, in solitude, and you know yourself and you have really good awareness, I think that it becomes very difficult to share your life with somebody else in the way that society has taught us to share our lives with somebody else, and I think that's the friction we have right now is because everybody maybe social media and technology has empowered us to we have better access to mental health and awareness. We just do. We have a hell lot of access to other, all kinds of other influences, but we do have more access to mental health. Yeah, and we're, as people that are alone I hate the word alone people that are solo rolling solo is probably the better word that have good relationships with ourselves, aren't reluctant to let things at least for me, I'm really reluctant to let somebody, something derail my, my, the power I have in my own awareness.
Speaker 2:Like you've done a lot of work on yourself to get yourself to like a place where you feel like steady and stable, so allowing a lot of people yeah.
Speaker 2:Like I'm just like using you as an example, though, cause that's, but it's like it's hard to let somebody in that could potentially create some ripples with that. You know that I think it's good. It's good to, I mean, and now we could go like a totally different direction. I mean it's good, it's good to, I mean, and now we could go like a totally different direction. I mean it's good to just like allow time to go by as you're getting to know people, to see who's a good fit and who isn't right, and to just like people can say things on their profiles on a first, second or third date. You got to see how people actually are Right. You can only do that with time, like spending time together, going out and doing things, going to events, like just letting it be. You know you can tell people here's the thing.
Speaker 2:I think it's just it takes time to do that and to like allow, like it's okay to be selective with like who you let in to your life, whether it's romantic or not, and whether it's family, friends, work any relationships like the. You have to protect your energy, your mental health, your stability and you need to know what you need. So, like you know, we were talking about like just week, like average day or average week or whatever. And I always make sure that, like I have at least one day a week and one weekend a month, ideally to just have nothing planned, and whether that ends up being that I stay home and just do my own thing, or it just leaves me ability to like just do whatever I feel like at that moment.
Speaker 2:I mean for me, having having like being more of like an anxious style person, like managing that, like planning helps me. It gives me like a sense of control. So like I do like to have plans because it also just helps me prepare for my week. But at this point I also know I like used to over, like I used to cram all this stuff into my schedule so I was constantly busy and never had to like think about the fact that I was maybe single or alone or whatever you know. And so like I've I try to just give myself time to just be, be in that and be okay in that and be okay with that. So how did I go down this rabbit hole?
Speaker 1:I mean, I led you down that rabbit hole, okay.
Speaker 2:Did I answer your question.
Speaker 1:What was my question?
Speaker 1:I don't know.
Speaker 1:So I want to go back to sort of all this noise, because I dabble in the Reddit and the Facebook groups for our age group and the dating and you man, it's like really disheartening because people are so fed up with the world and you know, we've got the karen and kevin things, you know like people are just like losing their shit over like the simplest things everybody's angry, everybody's frustrated, everybody's had a poor experience and like what is it about this time period in human history that we can't let things go, I guess, or we can't, we're very slow to gain perspective. I think that anybody with like that is practice awareness. Like, I think the number one thing that you gain as a skill when you practice awareness is your ability to gain perspective very quickly, right. So like, quick perspective equals equals appropriate response, right, the ability to gain perspective of the situation typically leads to an appropriate response, a normal some like emotional awareness knowing that you're not like reacting or, yeah, being be able to like also just sort of manage your own emotions, like self-regulate right.
Speaker 2:Because I think, if you're in order to have perspective and do that, you have to be able to self-regulate and have your own awareness. Otherwise, you're just reacting based on the story you're telling yourself, which is like an auto loop of past situations.
Speaker 2:You have to be able to pause that. That takes a lot of practice and like awareness and I don't think a lot of there are. There are probably a lot of people out there that naturally have that because they didn't maybe have like a lot of trauma or they just had like a lot of healthy relationships that modeled that for them. So I think that's fantastic. But there are definitely like a lot of people that don't have that and maybe just haven't done the work yet to get there, and so you know we're just like we're not all meant to date or marry every other person out there. We don't have to have relationships with them either.
Speaker 2:And so you talk about is social media the issue? Look, I don't know the answer to that. I'm on social media, I try to limit my screen time and I try to limit like I don't post too much. I don't think like I try to be intentional about like why am I doing this? Like I don't need to do it for attention, I'm just doing it to share something cool or whatever. But I've definitely gotten to the point where I don't watch the news. It's negative. And I've definitely gone through and cleaned up social media and what I'm following.
Speaker 2:But there's a lot of negativity that can like bring you down.
Speaker 1:But do you think that? So the thing is is like, what's the difference between now and then? So like I haven't had a conversation with my mom what it was like to date, in the 70s, I like, is it different? Or is it exposure? Is it mental health?
Speaker 1:Is it like because I don't- think it's just mental health, because I think everybody is so frustrated with I mean, I'm not just talking about dating anymore.
Speaker 1:People are frustrated with everybody's the keeping up with the Joneses and their relationships and like this and that and blah blah, and like I don't even know how people handle it. But like I don't want to blame technology and I don't want to blame social media, I want to blame the fact that humans. I don't want to blame anything. What I'm trying to do is have a discussion about, like what is it about our not the now that makes us so on a unable to realize that one life has always been unfair and messy and that we haven't all been equal? There is definitely this race to equality which is never going to exist, period, across the human species. It's just not. Should we strive towards equality, of course, but the idea that, like we're all gonna have the same amount of money and the same fucking things and the blah, blah, blah and like all the same, like it's just never gonna happen but we all decided at one point.
Speaker 1:We woke up and decided that that's what we should have. And there's I.
Speaker 1:This could go like for fucking hours because I'm like this is because I think the reality is is I think that's the even though I can't define it right now and it'd probably take multiple podcasts that like it's some combination of keeping up with the joneses life is unfair, blah, blah, blah, this and that, and then, like looking at the fact that, like, once you gain perspective at least for me, once I gain perspective and awareness around my life and my happiness, which I always have to work on right I can slip into the keeping up with the Joneses and I don't have that and this and that We've talked about this. But, like I quickly get back to this fact that, like, life isn't fair and I'm okay with it and I'm not going to have what the next person has. The next person is not going to have what I have and I only have what I have.
Speaker 2:It's not a competition though, right Like thinking about is it fair? I don't know. I guess there there comes some sort of measurement with that, and to me it's all just different Right, and I think you just have to make your own.
Speaker 1:But this is what takes people down, I mean, okay, so let's go back a second. It was a 10 commandment. Well, okay.
Speaker 2:So like you initially started talking about, like what was different back then versus now, and then also like is social media really such?
Speaker 1:quite like a big do you think your parents were like where are you from, where'd you grow up? Cleveland? Cleveland, cleveland's the worst place to date ever. Do you think your parents were like where are you from, where'd you grow up? Cleveland, cleveland's the worst place to date ever.
Speaker 2:You have a lot of listeners in Cleveland PS, so don't diss on them.
Speaker 1:I'm not dissing on them I mean, I'm just saying that you think that our parents, my parents, lived like my parents met in Wisconsin and Watertown, wisconsin, and they were I don't think they were probably like Watertown's the worst place in the world to date.
Speaker 2:No, listen, they my parents, met in Dayton, ohio. Then they eventually made their way up to Cleveland. I am pretty sure it went like they're both from Italy, they speak Italian, let's set them up. And that was it Like it. It just it. They made it work Right. So let's talk, okay. So were things different.
Speaker 2:I think number one any relationship, then or now, it's a choice. Every single day they made that choice, I think. Now, with social media and the fact that there are a lot of people sort of posting you, you post all the good stuff, right. And so like people think, oh, I should have that too, right, and it's not always the messy stuff that gets out there. So like it makes it seem like there's a lot more options or that someone else is doing it better. I'm miserable, I'm going to go get that, I'm going to go chase that, right. So I think there's like do I think social media is the issue? No, I think it just like it brings it into, like your, it brings it into your home and your backyard to make you think that, like, you can have that too.
Speaker 2:So there's a choice, and at that point people make a choice to no longer stay in the relationship that they were in and go choose a different one. So it makes it just makes it very easy to do that. I also think our parents chose to stay in those relationships, but do I think that they were lonely at times? Yeah, a lot of times. Maybe miserable, yeah, but like they made that choice and that was just that, was it? Like there wasn't really a question? I think beyond that, it was like this is the choice, this is what I'm going to go with, I'm going to make the best of it, and the other choices within that, or things that you could change, were within their control, but like getting divorced or whatever, maybe wasn't so. So I think there's a lot of similar things, but I think now we just don't always continue to choose to stay. We choose something that's easier, which is maybe to leave and go on to something else.
Speaker 1:Or maybe that our relationship is with ourselves. Well, I think, when you choose to leave, we're like the relationships that people have are with themselves.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but like when you choose, okay. So when you choose to like, if you're choosing to stay in a relationship, that's going to also take some self work. I think. If, if things aren't great, right like on both parties, so like you do always have to have a relationship with yourself and have awareness and do that kind of work, whether you stay or don't, or single or in a relationship, if you're going to make that work in a way that I think is like rewarding and satisfying to everybody. It takes still going through this journey. Some people just do it while they are still married. Maybe I don't know, but it's probably not as common.
Speaker 1:The cliche thing, is that a relationship for me needs to make me a better person. We say it when we're in our twenties and thirties, but that's not really what happens. In our twenties and thirties we're really like we, we, we wish we had that. But the reality is our instincts are telling us let's make, let's procreate, let's have, let's do the things that we were taught to do, let's do the things that are chemicals in our body are telling us to do, let's have kids. And when you get into middle age and you're like I don't want kids anymore and you have a good relationship with yourself the bar for fucking committed relationship like the whole living with somebody and sharing finances and blah, blah, blah I'm going to spend the rest of my life with you until deaf to us part becomes.
Speaker 2:You're going through like your journey and you're figuring things out, but you're also like learning a lot about yourself and what you want and your right to be protective of yourself and your energy. And I think it's hard. You know you were kind of giving me props for like giving people a chance and like going out on multiple dates or whatever, which that's sort of a newer thing, cause I used to go on a lot of first dates and not many second dates, certainly not a lot of third dates and definitely not many after that. Like I can I count on one hand how many people in the past seven or eight years I've gone on like more than three or four dates with. So I think you are more open to just getting out and meeting people and like meeting them in real life to see who they are and like get to know them. Like you are so good at making people like comfortable talking to people and you're just like you seem genuinely like curious about people and wanting to connect. But you probably do have some walls up about like who you're going to let in. But for as many first dates as you go on because I think you probably let you probably have the bar pretty low for a first date. You're not going to let a lot of people in for a second, but my bar is high for a first date, so it's probably a little easier for me to then get to a second or third at this point.
Speaker 2:But that's been a shift over the last year. But that's been a shift over the last year. Like I've zeroed in on a few things and I'm like I have like a very narrow pool of what I'm looking for, because I don't even want to give a first date, like I was telling you earlier. Like that takes a lot of energy from me to get ready to go out to what, and I, you know, I I have a good time with them, but I find that I can have an even better time if I'm like really selective about who it is I'm going out with. So I just have certain characteristics that I'm like looking for and one of the things is really like there has to be something passionate about the person and their life, like that I can pick up on in this profile. Beyond, like I use I keep using this example with you but like if, if, all that I see in a profile is like travel and hiking.
Speaker 1:I'm moving on like I don't so rare in colorado that people like skiing and hiking traveling, skiing, hiking, oh great thing, and all you girls out there that have epic and icon passes.
Speaker 2:You know so wet, oh wow.
Speaker 1:Fuck you.
Speaker 2:But I'm just saying, like, have a little more, like I look for just something else beyond that, so that I can like, like I have something else to work with and if not, I probably pass.
Speaker 2:No, I agree you know I need something like cause just me in my life. I need something to be passionate about, especially now that I'm at a point that I I've decided to not have kids Right. So like I have to have something where I feel like I'm like giving back or contributing or like helping other people in some way. And so I have to have something where I feel like I'm like giving back or contributing or like helping other people in some way, and so I have to pick up on something like that in someone's profile, and so I I think you're just going about it a different way. Maybe, I don't know are you feeling like frustrated with the dating process right now Because like no, I'm not Because.
Speaker 1:I don't really know that I I'm not angling to be in a relationship, so it's going to just happen for me. So, like I don't, do I get frustrated? Yeah, I mean there's been. There's been misunderstandings, or girls I really liked and didn't, and they didn't want to go on a second date with me, and there's been frustrations like that. But I'm not fucking Denver sucks and dating sucks and blah, blah, blah.
Speaker 1:I think for me it's like I kind of have perspective around again what we're talking about, that like I date we're. We're very good people, we're very good prospects in the dating world. We're unicorns. I consider myself somewhat of a male unicorn and I know it sounds super pretentious, blah, blah, and I consider you that way so full of yourself.
Speaker 2:I'm just kidding.
Speaker 1:I mean, I just think it's like and I and I date women typically and I attract women that are like very their catches yeah and so I don't expect that I'm going to catch all of these catches. And then they shouldn't expect to catch all the catches that they're dating either. So, like it's so, what do you think it?
Speaker 2:is like what? Why do you okay? So do you feel like, is it mostly you not wanting a second date, or do you feel like some like the second dates that you have wanted? It's the yin and yang.
Speaker 1:It's the yo-yo, it's like where, yeah, I mean this is dating. When you date at this level like I feel like I'm dating at a level, that's where I want to be.
Speaker 1:I date a level Like I date very wonderful women, very intelligent attractive, like successful, got their own shit going on and I have an awareness around that and that. So my dating situation is there. I'm dating my I don't want to say myself I'm dating people at the same sort of drive the entrepreneurship, the attractiveness, the whole thing like yeah, so it's like it's intense and like the dates are always wonderful.
Speaker 1:I always end up sitting across from like wonderful human beings and having intelligent, fun, interesting conversations, and sometimes it goes somewhere. Sometimes they end up my friends and like but all of us are at the same, all of our bars are very high and it's not a list, it's not a petty list, it's like. It's a very like respectful bar and it's like look, man, like you're not there, we're not there together. It's not a tit for tat, it's like we're just not there and it's usually a hey, I'm not, yeah, and sometimes it's me and sometimes it's them. Sometimes I meet somebody and I'm like man and I've fucked it up a couple times because of my avoidances, and sometimes they fucked it up and like this is the game.
Speaker 2:What do you want out of if you could have what you like, anything you want out of this? Like dating scenario right now? Like what?
Speaker 1:would it be?
Speaker 2:A partner.
Speaker 1:I mean, I still, I'm not a hater, I believe in a partner. I believe in a partner.
Speaker 2:What are some things that would be like an ideal for you. Like it, just like it goes quickly, it goes like how would this unfold? Like if you're sort of I hate to say like what's like, like maybe this is probably because I'm a female, but like a fantasy, like if you're fantasizing about like oh man, this would be like the ideal like, yeah, a woman who is a secure attachment style and that has really good awareness around how to make a man feel like a man.
Speaker 1:Right, it's not the cooking and cleaning, it's more of the. I love a strong, independent woman like I love the boss type of woman. I have no insecurities around a woman making more money than me being the ceo of a fucking corporation, I don't fucking care. But that woman to come home and still make me feel like a man and me make her feel like a woman and want me to make her feel like a woman where there's no like. There's no like. There's no like animosity and confusion there. It's just like she is boss out in the world and wants to come home and feel secure and allow me to make her feel like a woman.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I and I reciprocate, making her feel the same. Absolutely, and there's not like and because and she and I meet these women and you're one of these women. You have this awareness for sure Like that, that there are differences between men and women and men want to feel like men and women want to feel like women and they want to come home and feel protected but not degraded and insulted, and men don't want to be demasculated and like. When men and women can find that synergy where they figured it out.
Speaker 1:That's a beautiful thing and I've met those women before and when I meet those women I tend to be like, yes, please, and like, but they know it, they're unicorns, Like it's it's, it's, it's. Do you think?
Speaker 2:you see that right up front or does it take time?
Speaker 1:You typically if they have their guard down, but not always, I mean I've I. Every woman's different and this is where, like, giving people a chance to go on second or third dates is probably a good thing. Like you see it, you can. You don't always see it off the bat, but like I can tell you, when you don't see it, you can almost always don't see it on the. You almost always recognize that it's not there on a first date.
Speaker 2:I will say that you almost always recognize like the wall is too up or that they just don't have that, they're just not. Yeah, these people aren't these people aren't insecure.
Speaker 1:There's not insecure, like everybody has insecurities, but but there's a difference between insecurities that dominate, that that basically infiltrate your a lot of your life, and then there's insecurities that you have awareness around, that you need, you compartmentalize and you go and address them in your yeah in your private and then when you get into a very when you get into a relationship, of course you you in a real relationship your insecurities, you know your partner's insecurities and they know yours, and that's the beauty of a relationship is that you're able to recognize that. I mean to be honest with you. I think the most attractive thing for me to be in a relationship is to have somebody that under somebody, to share my insecurities with, not that they take on my insecurities, but that they understand my insecurities have awareness around them, so that, like I don't have to feel so fucking, I don't have to put my wall up around them.
Speaker 2:It's kind, I think, to be able to share those things and to be able to, just as a partner, know and have awareness to like avoid triggering that for someone. Not that it becomes your responsibility, but like that's like a very loving, respectful thing to do in a relationship. Like, obviously stuff happens or you know people can feel like triggered or whatever, and that's more for like that individual to be able to self-regulate and and manage that for themselves, right. But if you know something like triggers you, the other person should know that and avoid doing that.
Speaker 1:That would be a really nice thing yeah, I mean I think when you look at relationships that there are very few of them that actually work, like a lot of relationships last and that's out of thousands and thousands of years of survival. I mean, that's that's a lot of relationships turn into habit and survival. But every once in a while you catch a glimpse of a relationship that was habitual survival and love and intimacy. They're super rare.
Speaker 1:And this is when I, when I talk about relationships, I don't I don't want people to think that I'm criticizing the relationships and the choices they made. I made my own and I'll probably make more. But like I do feel like that relationship is super rare and that's worth talking about, it's worth bringing to the surface and talking about why we as human beings can't live with each other for the rest of our lives and be happy with each other and what is it that makes it so? And some people try polygamy and non-monogamy and go out there and do this and do that and like we don't give it enough attention to talk about why we're not happy. And I think it's. I think insecurity is probably at the root of it.
Speaker 2:It's always somebody's insecurities that break down the relationship so your insecurities can like also get away from you if the other person is sort of like feeding into that as well.
Speaker 1:You know you can.
Speaker 2:Well, it's lack of communication, yeah, so lack of communication too is like you know, when there's space, when there's silence or space and you're sort of like in an insecure moment, you're going to fill those voids in with probably more of these like negative thoughts or stories that you tell yourself because that's maybe something you experienced in the past or you're like preparing yourself for that negative thing. So like I get it. But I think you're right, there's like not a ton of these relationships that are like good role model, really like good role model type relationships that have all those components. I mean, my adopted parents are like the. I love them. They've like definitely been such great role models for me in that regard and it sets the bar pretty high for like whoever I'll be in a relationship with, you know, and I'm okay with that, because the alternative is kind of a lot of stress and not something I want to deal with period.
Speaker 1:That's a good way to end it. I can't do this without you, and I want to hear from you and we want to hear stories. We, I think we did a good job here, so please send in your stories, ask your questions and tell us how you're owning your own alone.
Speaker 1:You can follow me on Instagram at owningalone, or I also have a personal page, joel Poppert and I got the TikTok, joel Poppert, and you can email me at joel at onlylonepodcastcom, and I love you. And with that, the Sasquatch is out. I appreciate you, emanuela.
Speaker 2:I am.
Speaker 1:Do you have a tag An out? You want to make up an out tagline.
Speaker 2:Do I?
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, right now you can drop the mic, Literally drop it. She's not going to do it. I'm like what?
