Midlife Uncensored

Raves, Rejection and Body Positivity ft. Allie McFarland

• Joel Poppert • Season 1 • Episode 12

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Ever reminisce about the sweet, innocent days of teen romance and wonder where that simplicity went in the adult dating scene? Allie McFarland joins me in the Love Laugh Lounge to indulge in just that—plus, she brings her fun tales from the anime world, including a discussion about cosplay, fetishes and the quest for that special someone who gets the allure of her alterative style. Our chat is a heartfelt journey through shouju manga's charm and how it contrasts starkly with the trials of grown-up love. 

Navigating the turbulent waters of relationships and self-confidence can be daunting, but we're diving headfirst into the discussion of what it means to stay true to oneself. From a tattoo beauty contest adventures and many more of Allie's insights, we confront how self-worth isn't tied to societal standards but rather to how we view ourselves and our personal growth. We also tackle the therapeutic side of hobbies, like crochet, and how they can weave a pattern of calm in our otherwise hectic lives. Plus, a special look at how the right partner can act as a catalyst for positivity, open-mindedness, and motivation.

Ending on a high note, we wrap up with some candid tales from the dating frontier and rave culture escapades that underscore the importance of body positivity and self-confidence. We also dissect the fine art of handling rejection with the grace it deserves, advocating for clear and considerate communication in the complex dance of modern dating. So buckle up for an episode that offers laughter, a sprinkle of nostalgia, and a generous dose of real talk.

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Speaker 1:

Hey, all you lovely single humans out there, it's your favorite middle-aged sasquatch, you know, the one, that small giant with the epic beard game, and your hostess with the mostess Recording from Denver, colorado. You have joined the Love Laugh Lounge, the comedic sub-series of the Owning Alone podcast, the festivus for dating, and a place to air your grievances, where we share war stories and where we give biased dating advice that's not backed up by any data whatsoever. So, without further ado, welcome back to the lounge, y'all. Joining me today is the lovey Allie McFarlane, a 29-year-old single girl from Florida who resides here now in Denver, colorado, and I've had the pleasure to get to know over the last couple of months, and she's here to share her stories and her dating experience. So welcome to the lounge.

Speaker 2:

Thank you for having me. Absolutely I feel very special.

Speaker 1:

And I was also supposed to mention that you. She also has her own podcast. I'm going to mess this up the Shoju Senpai podcast. Shojuju senpai what's that all about?

Speaker 2:

so I'm a weeb, which, if you don't know what a weeb is, it's someone who is very obsessed with anime and manga. Anime is japanese animations and manga is graphic novels, dot japanese graphic novels. So, basically, in my podcast, which has gone on a pretty long hiatus, if I'm being honest. I cover series of shouju mangas which shouju is geared towards teen girls. Even though I corrected Joel in saying that I am a woman, I guess maybe in my heart I'm still a teenage girl.

Speaker 1:

That's all right. I'm 43 and I'm still a boy.

Speaker 2:

So sometimes I call myself a toddler all the time I got to pay my own bills.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I pay my bills, but if I'm upset I just need food and a nap, so that's all I need. So, technically, shouju manga are geared towards preteen girls and it usually deals with relationships of teenagers that are innocent, new. They're new to dating feelings. Typically, the protagonist's girl has never had a boyfriend before and she usually typically falls for the popular boy or, you know, the bad boy, and finds out that there's more to him and he falls for her and they realize that there's more to a pretty face and that boys can have feelings. You know, when you're a teenager in high school, it's more than just boys are stupid. And it's just that time when everything is so innocent, when you're in high school, you know you meet someone, you start hanging out within groups and you feel so awkward and you take your time getting to know them and next thing you know you're dating.

Speaker 2:

You have no idea what you're doing and it's just so sweet and innocent and oh, to go back to the time exactly, so innocent and I think that's why I love reading them, because even though they're so cheesy, and and if I and when I read them, they're called what mao bao? Manga manga yeah, but the specific genre is like shoju shoju so I guess because dating as an adult and all the bullshit that comes with it. I enjoy reading this because I forget that I'm 29 and all the stuff that I've gone through and is there like, like a?

Speaker 1:

is there like a? So I went on a. I was dating a girl for a little bit that was around your age, Like about a year ago, that was into anime too. Is that a? Is there like a whole, like group population of people that are into it? I also got to ask is it like a role play thing?

Speaker 2:

I mean, if you really want to get into it.

Speaker 1:

Nothing's off the table Anime.

Speaker 2:

So anime has been around for like years. I remember it's also very nostalgic for, like my age group, millennials, because we used to watch it on Tsunami, adult Swim on like Cartoon Network when it used to come on at night. So One Piece which started in like, I want to say, 1998, it's still going until now and I don't know it's going to end sometime soon. Everyone's going to be sad. But, like Naruto Bleach, where we had to watch it on cable TV or television, and manga, I remember reading it in like middle school and you were the weird kid reading it. But now, like zinnias love it and you can stream it. And now, being in an adult, in your late 20s or 30s, it's not weird anymore.

Speaker 2:

Anime conventions are huge. Cosplay um, there's so many genres like shonen, romance, soju, isekai, and it's like really huge. I was supposed to go to an anime convention. I was making a sailor moon cosplay for my first time. I didn't complete it so that didn't happen. But yes, there's a sexy, there's fan service, big boobs did you know boobs can move if you're not moving? And there's hentai, which has like a sexual play to it, even like in the mangas which you know there's.

Speaker 1:

Hentai is also porn I always get that, I always get them confused. It can be, it can be weird.

Speaker 2:

My brother-in-law is always like what kind of anime are you watching? And I'm like not that kind which, if that's your thing you go for it.

Speaker 1:

No judgment here no, I mean, I think it's. I think it's cool to have something you're passionate about. I think Not that kind which, if that's your thing, you go for it. No judgment here, no.

Speaker 2:

I mean.

Speaker 1:

I think it's cool to have something you're passionate about.

Speaker 2:

I think do you tend to date people that are? Interested in that? Is it like important to you, or is it just? I would love to date a weeb, a weeb.

Speaker 1:

I would love to have more friends who loved anime the way I do, because it's like Let me make an introduction to that other girl I dated. Yeah, she made me watch it. I was like I mean, I'm much older so we never really got into it. We caught the latter end, I think, of anime. We were still like I don't know, scooby-doo and shit, yeah.

Speaker 2:

No, I'm really, I guess I'm very passionate about it, but I also, you know, I like other things. It would be cool to be able to like leap out with someone. A lot of my friends aren't into it. My sister she'll listen to me talk to it she did watch one anime with me. It's called Koutaro Lives Alone, about this four year old orphan and it's like really sad and she liked it because she loves a sad boy. But they don't get it.

Speaker 1:

Well, I love it, allie's the dating scene. I'm like out there right now for you and you're single. Obviously I'm sure you've been in some relationships in your life but like, are you out there pounding the pavement? Are you taking some time to yourself? I'm, you know, you know a little bit about my show. I'm eventually gonna ask you your war stories. But how is it? Are you on? The apps are? Are you dating? What's going on?

Speaker 2:

Actually, I've been on the back burner. It's a little bit boring. I have taken some time for myself and I've been enjoying it. I have been in a relationship with myself and loving myself. I've had a lot of time on my hands. Yeah, I haven't been lonely, I've been alone. I've been alone, I've been owning alone, owning your alone. Yeah, just really dedicating my time to my friends and my families, my families, my family. I don't have a secret life, I promise.

Speaker 1:

It's okay if you do.

Speaker 2:

I mean yeah, you know.

Speaker 1:

Everybody has a little secret.

Speaker 2:

Why do you think I moved from Florida All of a sudden, just picked up my life? Everyone thinks like I moved here for like something cute and I'm just like. No, I just got sick of florida. I don't know, I I'm someone who just wants to explore, I'm very curious, but I mean, it's not like I haven't had interaction with some men. I have some fun things, some fun, some weird things that have happened to me. But no, I've just been, you know, working on a podcast. I tried documentary, but then I realized, you know, sometimes I'm such a hermit that, like I'll go a few days not talking to anyone. I've been going to a lot of music venues just dancing EDM, rock, headbanging, um so you go from EDM to headbanging.

Speaker 2:

I love it yeah sure like yeah, that was my EDM yeah, and also just like really getting into my own fashion style. I really like pastels and like kawaii core, so I'll break out, you know, wearing all pink, the platforms, doing my makeup.

Speaker 2:

I actually entered a, you know, inked magazine yeah so they were doing a contest for cover girl for 2024. I entered that and thanks for thanks to, you know, the loving support of my friends and the people that I have on Instagram, that I know, and my family I made it through like my group rounds and I was in first place for like solid like I think the voting went for like a month and a half and I made it to semifinals. So I was up against all the girls who won first place.

Speaker 1:

For your tattoos.

Speaker 2:

Yeah for my tattoos, and this would have been really life-changing if it had been on the front cover of Inked Magazine 25K a tattoo by Ashley Ryan, who's actually located out in Grand Junction, colorado, and they would have a jet to the Bahamas for the photo shoot and an ink cruise that they're doing. Unfortunately, I placed eighth, you know, and I that's not bad. No, I really wanted to like win, but we always want to win yeah.

Speaker 2:

And I say unfortunately, but it wasn't unfortunate the fact that, like, I put myself out there and so say, seeing the competition and just being like, oh, I'm not going to make it, and the fact that, like you know, my friends bought some votes. At one point, my, my friend bought me like 100 votes just to see where I would go. And I really went up one place and the thing is like not to knock these girls down because there are so many beautiful girls with so many beautiful tattoos. But it it's obvious that sexy sells and I didn't go the sexy route. I went, you know, my route, unique and, you know, just did what I wanted to do. My friend um did some photos.

Speaker 1:

Getting a tattoo just to win a contest seems like a little extreme, but no, I appreciate that you you owned it.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and I just put myself out there. I've always been very insecure about my looks and myself, but I've grown into my confidence and I feel really good about myself.

Speaker 1:

So doing that, um so really just putting my self care and not worrying about what a boy thinks of me and finding worth and dating and just being true to myself well, I think it's important that obviously we always talk about this but like you can't really go out there, and you can go out there and date and fuck around without having a reasonable relationship with yourself, but I think it starts with having a good relationship with yourself. Which brings me to what does your guy look like? What are the red, red red flags you look for, or what are the things that just like really turn you off? Your ex, I guess.

Speaker 2:

I can tell you, personality wise, what my guy looks like. I want someone who is open minded, kind of like how I am, someone who can think outside the box and it can, you know, know like shit happens and it's okay to feel your feelings and get down on yourself, but I can't be with someone who is constantly pessimistic, because I spent so much of my life being pessimistic and one of my first boyfriends, when I came out here, he he claimed to be like a hippie, but like I've never met such a hateful hippie, just because you do you used to do hallucinogens and do mushrooms and you like the mountains doesn't make you a hippie.

Speaker 1:

Oh, I used to be a hippie when I was younger.

Speaker 2:

There's a lot of narcissists running through that crowd like, like, please, you can't call yourself a hippie like. I do too many drugs yeah yeah, my dad, like you know, was born in the 60s, so like he was prime time in the peace slopping war, like you're not a hippie, just like blaming blaming everyone for your problems and things like that.

Speaker 2:

Like I want someone who's also like you know we go through things and we have to work on ourselves. No one's going to be perfect. Like there's things we have to work on ourselves. No one's going to be perfect. Like there's things I want to work on and I know I won't be perfect, but I want someone who's motivated at this age, you know.

Speaker 1:

You're looking for somebody that can reciprocate basically the way you approach life. Yeah, I mean, for me too, this is a huge red flag, huge turn off, red flag, huge turnoff. I basically just I just like, yeah, swipe life. When I run into people that come out the gates bitching right right away, like I had a girl the other day for all intents and purposes beautiful girl seems legit, but the first few exchanges were her bitching about shit.

Speaker 1:

This is that, god right, like I don't know this person. I'm sorry you're having a rough time, but like that that's a huge red flag for me. It's I don't know this person. I'm sorry you're having a rough time, but like that that's a huge red flag for me. It's like I don't know that, I want to because I've. I've fallen for that trap. You go on the date with them, you spend an hour and a half with them and they're literally they suck the life out of you. You know, and it's like I'm not saying I haven't been there in my life, that I haven't like bitched about shit or been down, but like I also going back to that person, dating wasn't like, that wasn't my greatest run of dating when, I was in that sort of headspace and I, so I can appreciate that for sure that you want somebody that's working on themselves.

Speaker 1:

Have some awareness. Now you're the second 20-something-year-old girl that I've interviewed on this podcast and I think young, particularly young women deal, and you are a young woman relative to me. I'm an old woman. I'm an old woman.

Speaker 2:

Just need to learn how to crochet. I'm getting there A podcast takes a lot of my time, so I haven't learned how to crochet.

Speaker 1:

I have all the crochet tools. If you want, I'm getting there. I'm once.

Speaker 2:

You know, podcast takes a lot of my time, so I haven't learned how to crochet. I have all their crochet tools if you want. I'm actually a grandma at heart.

Speaker 1:

I've met a few girls that crochet it must be like it's very good for your, I don't know like some headspace or something.

Speaker 2:

It is. But I gave up like two years ago because I can, like I understood, reading the patterns, but then when I did it in the counting it didn't come out. So then I was like, let me watch a YouTube video. So I had to pause the YouTube video and then it took like five hours to make one thing. But I've made an orange, I've made a pear because I make the a grooming or something like that, like Japanese, like cute stuff. I made a Brussels sprout and I made a heart. The heart was the best thing I made and unfortunately I gave it to, like one of my ex-boyfriends. I should ask for that back.

Speaker 1:

It was perfect and he yeah he should go get it back fuck him.

Speaker 2:

Uh, I don't ever. He's the one ex I never want to run into and thank god I don't live in aurora anymore and where in aurora like colorado yeah, because I used to live with my sister. When I first moved out here, I lived in her basement and that was a weird time in my life because I lived by myself for so long and moving back in with my sister.

Speaker 1:

Oh, I don't you know. It's kind of funny to think that a little over two years ago I was living with my wife. At the time it's so crazy to think about. And then, when I think about a relationship now, I'm like that's going to be the biggest thing is moving in with somebody.

Speaker 2:

All I know is if I move in, like if I ever so I tell people. I've said this to people and they always think like I'm saying it because I don't believe that I'm lovable, Like I have people who love me and care about me, and I've also realized recently that a lot of people like me I've been told that I have people who love me and care about me and I've also realized recently that a lot of people like me I've been told that I have a very warm energy. People flock to me and that's cool.

Speaker 1:

That's a super good trait.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

Not everybody's likable. Some people just really suck.

Speaker 2:

And it's always been a thing. People like me and come to me. But now I feel like I have the energy and the self-love of myself to like, like, stand up to that and like and be that person. Unless you're a dick, then, like you know, I'll be nice, but until you say something that I'm gonna be like, ah, okay, bye, um do you find that, that that like you attract a lot of men, then that way I feel like I do attract, do attract men, but I feel like I don't attract the right men.

Speaker 2:

And I was having this conversation with my sister and, of course, like my brother-in-law doesn't understand. So we're from South Florida, very diverse area, like a lot of my friends, like weren't white. Just I grew up with a lot of like culture growing up, which I was very blessed to be in that situation where I didn't grow up with a bunch of white people, and so we grew up in Pembroke Pines and he grew up in Davie. So Davie, florida is like the like you know he grew up in South Florida, like he grew up in like the country part of South Florida.

Speaker 1:

I'm from Wisconsin. I feel like country in Florida is different than country in Wisconsin.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, but he just— it's like the Everglades.

Speaker 1:

Does he wrestle alligators?

Speaker 2:

Okay, so not everyone wrestles alligators and—.

Speaker 1:

But the country boys do, don't they?

Speaker 2:

No, so I'm going to break some people's hearts right now.

Speaker 1:

Oh, so I'm going to break some people's hearts right now. Oh yeah, do it. That's what we're here for.

Speaker 2:

So the alligators? You know we have a lot of man-made canals in Florida to help with flooding and stuff and tension and things like that. So the alligators are there, they're in the suburbs and things, but you just know not to go in the canals. You don't really see them unless you're searching for them. So sometimes you know if dogs go in the canals you can hear a dog be eaten. If you go on Alligator Alley, which is a highway, you'll see them but they're not like at your front door when you go out, like you don't mess with them. They don't mess with you. At least that's how it is like in South Florida and there's like a biking trail where they lay out and you just ride your bike. They won't come after you if you don't touch them. You know they've been around people for a while. It's people who those videos, those florida men. It's the florida man.

Speaker 1:

it's the people who antagonize them for the internet those are the people, or the country boys that try to wrestle them or the no crackheads the crackheads crackheads yeah that's fun game where you I don't know if you know that one where you do florida man and then, or florida woman and your birthday oh, yeah, yeah, I've done that I fucking love it.

Speaker 2:

It's hilarious well, when I say country boys, they're not really. There are some boys that like, oh, I'm country and there's like a like we have a chili cook-off and country like. I had boys in high school who would like go muddying in their trucks under like power lines in South Florida and like they would like have like the confederate flag on their trucks and stuff. Like he was like you guys don't even know what that like represents, but like he's from like Davie Florida where these people were like more well-off, they had bigger houses, and so he was like with like a lot of like white boys. So he like.

Speaker 2:

He tells me that like he like. He liked it better when I had like my long blonde, like natural hair. Like before I looked like this I love the fact that like I have my face pierced and all my colored hair. But I was talking to my sister about how you know a lot of the boys that I dated I'm the only alternative looking girlfriend they had and a lot of guys tend to fetishize me, kind of like the manic pixie thing, because manic pixie that's a new word for me, yeah, so like you're kind of like a fetish because you look different and it's the idea of you being different from like the normal type of girl that they go for.

Speaker 2:

That's like less alternative looking and it's kind of like they think you're like you're a freak in bed. It's like a kink, it's like a fetish, Like we were. I went out with my friends for karaoke like a few weekends ago and we were walking these like boys fresh out of college. We were like walking in front of us and came up and like this one guy was like your hair is like cotton candy and I love it. It's been turning me on like all night and I told him I was like sir you just sat is like looks at me like just now. But the fact that like it was my colored hair, that like turning him on and it's just like a lot of the boys that I dated.

Speaker 1:

That was his pickup line.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

And this is in high school, or this.

Speaker 2:

This is recently, recently, yeah and the fact that, like all my boyfriends, like I'm the only one who's like, looked like this and I, you know, I've slowly become looking more like alternative because, you know, like so fucking unique. But like there's a lot of girls who look like me but, like I've never dated a guy who looks alternative, which I would love to because, like I'm attracted to that kind of style but a lot of my boyfriends have been like basic, like sick bitches basic bitches, like my first boyfriend here out in colorado said like he hates tattoos and piercings.

Speaker 2:

I'm like, why are you like? Why are you dating me? And then, like he hates tattoos and piercings. I'm like, why are you dating me? And then, when, like I got more piercings and stuff and then my last ex, he had tattoos and stuff but like he didn't have like piercings and he had a very plain personality and that was emotional. He was 34 and he was emotionally what's the word? Stunted and had commitment issues. So that was a fun time.

Speaker 1:

So I think this is kind of the time of the show that we talk about any war stories they have. Every girl's got a war story of either some asshole guy or something funny that happens on a date, or you can go disturbing too, if you want yeah, I have.

Speaker 2:

I have some war stories. I'm gonna I'm gonna keep it pg, because I told my dad about this and he wants to listen to it.

Speaker 2:

So, hi, dad hi dad and everyone else I send this to. I have one that, like I told you about, how you know, I've been keeping it kind of chill. I did go on one date, by the way, since I've been chill, but that wasn't a horror story, other than apparently, he said. He said that I kept like making sexual endo windows when I wasn't, because I'm very conscious of when I make sexual innuendos like what?

Speaker 1:

give me an example of a sexual innuendo.

Speaker 2:

I don't know. He just kept saying, I kept saying them is it making him feel uncomfortable?

Speaker 2:

I don't know. He just said. I kept like I don't know. He just like mentioned it randomly. I'm like, I'm like, um, I was like no, I haven't. I was like I was like no, I haven't. I was like not that I know of dude, because if I was making one I would be really awkward about it and act like a teenage boy. That was just a fun fact because I did want to mention that I did go on one date and I realized, yeah, just not ready to date. Because if I do date since I tend to dive headfirst and I'm like, yeah, let's do this, but I'm not ready for that I mean, I really want to get to know someone and at this point if someone really wanted to date me, get to know me, they'd have to wait like a year and I think that's a really big expectation. So I won't put anyone through that. But war stories. So I went to a rave Bow, bow, bow, Oomph, oomph, oomph, oomph, oomph, Oomph, oomph, oomph oomph.

Speaker 1:

For a while it's been a rave.

Speaker 2:

I can't get 15 years probably. If you want to go to one, they have them all the time, oh I don't stay out past nine.

Speaker 1:

I'm an old man.

Speaker 2:

Listen, we're friends. I can bring out the youth in you. You know, technically I don't.

Speaker 1:

You'll have to put me on OxyCyn the next day if I stay up past nine. That's fine, I'll buy it in advance.

Speaker 2:

We can go sober. It really helps. I tend to go to like music videos sober.

Speaker 2:

It sounds awful, but no, it helps, Trust me. But anyway, I went to a rave because one of my really good friends, dom, is into that. God, she's 26, she has so much energy and I know that she's I'm young. But like, wow, she's the one who makes me go into mosh pits and I love it, but then I'm like I'm so old I have been in a mosh pit in the last few years if I fucking dominated, and it's a lot so I went to this edm show and you know you can wear whatever you want to at an EDM show.

Speaker 2:

I decided to, like you know, dress, like you know, not a lot of clothes, because I actually used to do a decent amount of raving back in the day when I was like 17 to 20.

Speaker 2:

Because I had a really cute outfit that I wanted to wear, which I bring this up just because you can wear whatever the fuck you want as a woman and it doesn't mean anything. And so this one guy like complimented me on my, my outfit. I also had a jacket, because it was like December, um, and we were standing back in the crowd, um like, and it was cold, so I was like wearing the jacket half the time and I was like covered, so it wasn't like I was naked, um, just showing like an extra, like like skin, like I was wearing like um like a bikini top and like a like a bikini bottom with like fishnets and stuff, um, and you know, like this is the best shape I've been in in my life and I've had issues with like body images and it's like probably most of girls sounds like you owned it yeah, I found myself very attractive and it sounds really conceited.

Speaker 2:

but it's really hard as a woman to feel that way, so I embraced it.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, don't take that away from yourself, yeah.

Speaker 2:

And so, like I said, thank you and whatnot, and then he and then I guess, like, whatever, there's like a, this place had like multiple. Have you been to church?

Speaker 1:

No, oh, I, when I was 24, I went to the church I got kicked out for ceilings. My buddy and I broke into one of the rooms that wasn't open and still were found in there smoking cigars and drinking champagne. That wasn't ours, okay, but that was a rave too. But, yes, I've been to the church. Do I go to church? Church, no, but I've been to the church I mean you don't have Is that still open?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, that's where I was. So if you are a Colorado native or are around my age and you like raves and you've gone to the church, you know this setup y'all. So I was on the main floor and then at one point my friend and I went upstairs, where you have to run across the patio and you run just because it's cold and when you go to a rave you're not trying to break. When you go out out in Colorado you're not trying to bring a giant jacket with you everywhere, Cause you know, of course, when I was having my finally like single, for the first time since the two years I've been here, having my hot girl winter, can't wait to have my hot girl summer.

Speaker 1:

So you're wearing? You're wearing your nets and pink bikini and, yeah, jacket and my pink platforms.

Speaker 2:

So we're running across the outdoor patio to get to the other side, where you can go on top, where you're like above the stage and actually it's like really warm. So that's originally where I saw this guy. I was paying no attention, I was just talking to my friend and everything and then we were waiting yeah, this was my friend. We were waiting for my other friend to arrive because she was running late. And then my other friend came, was coming soon, so we went back down to like the main floor so she could find us easily, and then, whatever, we're dancing and then we go exploring and then, like I went upstairs to like smoke a cigarette, or we all went back upstairs and then I went outside to go smoke a cigarette and then when I walked past this guy, he like said, oh, I like your outfit. And I was like, oh, thank you. Went back to my friends and and my friends and I went downstairs. We go a lot of places, we explore.

Speaker 1:

There's a lot of places to go inside the church.

Speaker 2:

We found a fucking hip-hop dance-off and I didn't want to leave the room because I fucking love hip-hop, especially like 90s Like a good dance-off. Yeah, were spinning on their head and I was like yo, I can't do that, but like can I, you know?

Speaker 1:

pull up my leg, do the shopping cart and stuff, but what's it? The?

Speaker 2:

shopping cart. I don't know. I love to do embarrassing shit when I is that a dance move? The shopping cart yeah and do a little scuba, and then we like to do like we started doing at one point the octopus on, like when we back out to the main floor.

Speaker 1:

I do weird shit when I dance, um so do I, but none of it has a name. It's just basically the poppy.

Speaker 2:

I just, I don't know. I learned, you know, not to jump too much with my platforms.

Speaker 1:

So we're building your, your dating profile here, Dancer you're a dancer.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I'm a great dancer, cause I don't give a fuck about what I do.

Speaker 1:

That's how I am too.

Speaker 2:

And I even try to you know, like when the Ratchet songs come on, I even try to you know, like booty pop. I can't really twerk because I don't have an ass, but like I try.

Speaker 1:

I try twerking too. I'm not good at it.

Speaker 2:

I can One of these days. I'm going to get it, but I don't have any jiggle in my apartment when no one's looking, but like when I was 20, I used to love to twerk on walls. But anyway, I digress because I can just go off topic.

Speaker 1:

So basically, like it's not bad if you go off topic and you talk about octopus and twerking. Part of this is to build your profile here, yeah.

Speaker 2:

Hey guys, I'm single. I'm mentally stable, medicated, so you know that's a winner. Medicated, so you know that's a winner. Um, I have two beautiful dogs that I love. They love to cuddle, so if you ever, you know, we get to that part where we have sleepovers, you're going to sleep on the couch because they take up my entire bed and just send them home in an over, it's easier, yeah oh, because I, I was telling you, I realized that if I ever lived with someone, I'd have to have two bedrooms because I'd have to, like you know, have nights where, like I, sleep by myself.

Speaker 1:

Oh, this is a huge topic. We're not going to go into it on this show, but, like this is a topic I talk about on the other end of my podcast, I want to go back to this guy, right? So where's this guy? What's?

Speaker 2:

so then the guy comes downstairs because, like I guess, from like where you are on the stage, like you can look down. So he comes downstairs and, like he introduces himself to me, he's really like awkward or whatever. And my two friends behind me are looking at each other like like who the fuck is this guy? Just because, like they know, I don't know people outside of them. Because, like I started and slowly started to make friends and it's so beautiful making friends and forgot his name. And then I introduced him and, like I guess, because they made this 30 look like, he got like insecure. Oh, you know what? He didn't compliment my outfit until he came down to introduce me. I was thinking of someone else who complimented my, my onesie, even though it was a jacket.

Speaker 2:

I get compliments a lot so because I I dress, I guess, unique. I got fashion um style and people are gonna think I'm the most conceited bitch ever. But but you know You're not coming off as a conceited bitch, it sounds like you're owning it and I think that's I mean I think women.

Speaker 1:

Fashion is goes a lot. You can cut it a lot of different ways, so but fashion I would. I dated a girl in fashion for a while and she was like you. Just, whatever you put on, fashion's all about owning it.

Speaker 2:

Feeling comfortable and confident confident what you're wearing. At the end of the day, you have to be your own lover, your own hype man. You gotta have your own confidence, like because, at the end of the day, like you can have all this love and care from your family and your friends. But and it's important because it adds to your own worth that you give yourself and you develop yourself, because if you don't have it or learn to have self-love, you know you just you still feel empty inside and that's something really hard to come by in its work.

Speaker 2:

But I always felt empty inside and didn't feel like I had a sense of self until I started working with N and stopped listening to the negative thoughts that were put on me from such a young age, especially with like my body and being shamed by very important female figures in my life, starting when I was just 10. And also, you know females, even friends. We have insecurities and like to build each other down, even as friends, and be little, which I am 100% a girl's girl and I will always support my friends and put my friends first, even my guy friends, because people like to project their insecurities even if they don't realize it, and I'm done letting those factors put me down because at the end of the day, I know that I'm true to myself and I fuck up, but I'm starting to own those fuck ups.

Speaker 1:

Well, it's good that you have that awareness. Yeah, I think that people can take advantage of that, particularly in the dating world.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and I'll never be perfect and I've hurt a lot of people and I think that was the hardest thing in my mental health journey, knowing that I hurt a lot of people. And you know I can cop out and say, well, I was mentally ill and I was. But you know I can only pay it forward with what I know now and what I've learned. But anyway, back back to the guy and I was like, yeah, I was like it's like oh, thank, and this and that, and then like so he went away and then, and then he came back. I feel like he came back three times, but all I just remember is he came back at one point.

Speaker 2:

And here's my thing Don't stand behind me, like just when I'm dancing or anything like don't, don't stand behind me. And he kept standing behind me and it was awkward. And you know I don't get a lot of anxiety anymore because of my best friend, lexapro, and I'm very confident I'm the bitch who will tell you no if you ask if I'm uncomfortable, because I don't need to play nice, because no is not mean, no is an answer.

Speaker 1:

No, is clear.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

Pretty clear.

Speaker 2:

Yes and no are very clear and I don't need to lie about having a man, because I don't need a man, you know. And so like he didn't ask anything and I felt his presence and so my friend just switched with me, whatever, because he didn't say anything to me. And so my friend and I switched because he was giving me like I felt, like I didn't feel like my life was in danger, but I felt very uncomfortable, and so my friend switched with that me and then he came over to me and then he switched, he didn't get the hint, and he came back behind me and he and I looked at him and he said, oh, like I'm so sorry, like I had a bunch of shrooms tonight and like I'm tripping so hard, and I was like, and so like I took that as he was having a bad trip. And so tonight, and like I'm tripping so hard, and I was like, and so like I took that as he was having a bad trip, and so I was like, well, did you come here with friends? And he's like, yeah, I did. And so I was like I think you need to go back to your friends because I came here to hang out with, like, my friends. And like the look on his face, like he looked devastated and he left me alone.

Speaker 2:

And then, you know, later that night, I was dancing like with my friends and we made friends with other people and then these guys like these people that were like in our like bias, whatever, this guy in towel like came, grabbed my shoulder and said don't look, which I'm going to look, but this guy behind you has been acting really weird and this and that. And the only reason why I was going to look is because I was going to look at him. Tell him to go, fuck off, cause I don't need you telling me, oh, this guy's acting weird, and then don't look, cause I'm going to do something about it. And then, like, then the her, like his friend, who was a girl, came up to me and was like, looking, like, talking to me, like this. So she was looking at him and he's like, oh, this and that. And like, oh, she, he walked off. And then she was saying how like, well, this is why, like, I always go out with guys and blah, blah, blah, this, and that I'm like like this is this is probably why, like, I don't go out to certain places alone because of things like this, and if I do like I don't drink, like I went to a four-year strong concert by myself and kind of stayed in, like out of the group, like back by, like the music sound and like an open area.

Speaker 2:

Then I felt fine and I ubered. I didn't like I had one drink, I didn't like whatever. Where are my surroundings? That's why I'm always like looking around, people probably think I'm creepy, but I'm just like just making sure and and I was just like. You know, I just wanted to have a good time with my friends and it's just like, but these like creepy guys and like people being like oh my god, making a big deal out of it, when all I had to do was just turn around and tell the guy to go, fuck off.

Speaker 2:

And it's one guy who couldn't get a hint or even like didn't have the balls to like talk to me like hey, do you want to dance? And then you know like just bringing up like the word no. I remember I was in college and my friend and I were getting water, like the bar was closing, and this guy like came up and he's like oh ladies, like are we taking shots? And I was like no, he, even if they were like, even if they're free. I was like no, and he was like did you guys come here with someone? And I was like no, and he just like couldn't wrap his head around it. Like I said no.

Speaker 2:

And one time I was at a rape when I was like probably like 19, I think, and this guy asked me like do you want to dance? And I said no I, I think. And this guy asked me like do you want to dance? And I said no. I said no, thanks. He walked away and then he came back again. He was like are you sure? And I was like yeah, I'm sure.

Speaker 1:

Like I don't take free shots either anymore, because I get too drunk well, like, I don't, I don't even like there's always people that want to give you fucking free shots.

Speaker 2:

I'm like I don't want a shot, I just want to drink my high noon so I don't get wasted yeah, yeah, this weekend, like usually, if I do shots, I'll do green tea shots and that's kind of what I'll do for the night, because they're like watered down and they taste good and that's my drink of choice. But this past weekend I was doing shots of like whiskey and drinking medell's.

Speaker 1:

Whiskey and Modelo's. It's very. It's a good combo.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it's because I was craving a Corona, so I don't don't say, oh, I'm sorry when I say this, because oh, I'm sorry. So my mom passed away four years ago and on the 18th it was like the four year anniversary.

Speaker 1:

And now you put me in an awkward position. I am sorry.

Speaker 2:

No, don't be Like, it's fine. Grief is different and my grief like.

Speaker 1:

I know I get it.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it's not awkward, it's not. Don't say sorry, you didn't kill her Cancer, did I know people get weird about it? Her favorite beer is like Corona Light. So, like I know, this bitch came to visit me or something, Because ever since the 18th I've been wanting a Corona and so some places just sell the giant Modelo. So I went to go see Boss. He's a rapper. I've been listening to him since 2015. And so I went to go see the concert. I brought my friend and he I don't know if you listen to rap you listen to country, don't you I listen to a lot of things, but I don't listen to a lot of rap.

Speaker 2:

I figured you didn't. I'm just let me assume who you are when I work.

Speaker 1:

I listen to the Grateful Dead and I listen to jazz.

Speaker 2:

Okay, you listen to jazz.

Speaker 1:

I do. I like jazz. These are my work. This is my work. Music.

Speaker 2:

Have you gone to Meadow lark before it's all? Did you know they do improv jazz nights on wednesday. It's really like it's a great time. It's a vibe like I love going. I haven't gone, I mean I think I went february but I haven't gone since. Like I hate the cold but it's really good time. You also could bring a date there and they'd like it that's a good date idea.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so it's at 9 30 but it's not like an out out thing, you just sit and listen to music. But yeah, so I was drinking Modellos and whiskey and the concert was great. But I finally got my Corona and I was like, okay, I'm good, no more drinking.

Speaker 1:

Good Corona, particularly when it's cold and it's hot outside, is really good too.

Speaker 2:

With a lime.

Speaker 1:

With a lime and a shot of whiskey, it sounds like yeah, I'll take a shot of whiskey every once in a while. Yeah, remember the days when you used to take what were they? Jager Bombs, the Jager Bombs.

Speaker 2:

Oh, I can't do Jager Bombs because I drank too many of them in my 20s. And I can't do Fireball. I drink too many of them and I can't do fireball because when I was 20, I drank too much fireball. I was like chugging it.

Speaker 1:

Apparently, it's going to be terrible. Apparently it was too much fireball. It's going to be terrible.

Speaker 2:

Apparently I was. This isn't a dating horror story, but it's my own blackout horror story.

Speaker 1:

That's allowed. You say whatever you want. I apparently want to share this with the world, and my Do you want to share this with the world.

Speaker 2:

Well, my dad and my sister will find it funny. It's my first time blacking out. Apparently, I was chugging from the fireball bottle. I fell face first on the floor and then I remember scanning my ticket to go into the Dolphins game and I projectile vomited and I just remember the paramedics yelling at my face. I never made it to the Dolphins game.

Speaker 1:

You're a pretty tiny person.

Speaker 2:

I was probably like 30 pounds bigger than I was now.

Speaker 1:

You'd still be pretty tiny yeah.

Speaker 2:

I was trying to keep up with my brother-in-law and his friends, who were like 26 at the time.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I don't, I can't. There's this thing. They don't really tell you that when you get older, that and I'm not, I don't really tell you that when you get older that and I'm not, I don't feel like a 70 year old man or anything. But there are, when you get in your late 30s and early 40s, like alcohol, too much alcohol, too much wine, too much liquor it just it creams you like the next day it's just the hangovers just aren't worth it. So I don't, I don't drink a lot of liquor.

Speaker 1:

Every once in a while I will drink some old fashions and stuff which I enjoy, but I try not to try not to go down on them. You know, like drink three or four of them and then be wasted because it's, it's too much. But yeah, so where, where does this sort of leave you with your, your dating situation? I guess like, do you, are you like open to dating? Are you out there looking for somebody? And where do you go? Cause I know you, you go to the meetup groups and stuff and we met at the podcast happy hour. I've met girls at the meetup things and I've met friends. You know, I still I rock the, the dating apps, but I it's like it's always found I need to take a break, probably, like right now. I'm not swiping because I'm I just I can't handle too many people. It's overwhelming and my life is like so busy right now.

Speaker 2:

But I'm off the dating apps. You know a lot of my boyfriends have been from the dating apps. All people I've met from the dating apps I think. So like with what I want, I'm not I'm not swearing off dating, but it's not what it's not like. Like first on my priority. But my, I guess my thing with like dating apps is because I want to take things slow.

Speaker 2:

So I would like to meet someone natural, which I know like in real life, which the fact that, like a lot of the friends I've made recently, like I've met them in real life, except for my one friend, I met her on like BFF Bumble and we've been friends for a year but you know, I've actually made friends with like two of my neighbors. One of my friends I met through like going to like a group event. I met you through like meetup and there's a lot of meetup groups that like I've signed up for. Um, oh, I also did.

Speaker 2:

I did go to that giant ass, um singles meetup thing giant ass the giant ass meetup single thing I told you about, like the 20s and 30s meetup, like oh yeah, I'm glad you went to that.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I was rooting for you. How'd that work out?

Speaker 2:

it was exhausting a lot of a lot of guys. No, I mean I met people talk to people, there's always a lot of guys.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I also think, like I haven't. Like I mean, I'm big on personality, but it's also like you know, attraction is a thing and I just haven't met someone who I'm like you are beautiful, I want you. That happened to you. That hasn't happened to me yet. I one time told a guy he smelled good when I got laid that night. You should cut this out, because I don't want my dad to know that there's no editing, oh okay yeah, no, I'm awkward with flirting, but I'm friendly and I'm cute sounds like it works.

Speaker 2:

I mean it did. Guys are easy, I guess. But yeah, but with dating, I just want to meet someone, get to know them, just like with no expectation, like first. I'm getting better at not having rose-tinted glasses and just learning how to be vulnerable without getting like anxious, but also making sure I keep a wall up for myself, which is important for someone like me who tends to dive headfirst just for, like, my mental health, because I do pick guys who are bad for me that lead like that, lead me into situations that aren't bad for me, because I do have a habit of picking men that are bad for me due to mental health. I just want to get to know someone before I'm like, yes, I want to date you, because it's easy to fall into limerence and love bombing. I want to meet someone who I want to date because I have a genuine connection with them and not because I'm lonely or because they have a cute face and someone who you know I'm not ignoring the red flags and everyone's not perfect, but the big red flags because I need someone who you know, yes, someone who's motivated and stuff like that. But I'm looking for a love that is safe and consistent, because I've had a life of inconsistent love and unsafe love that you know, that's tormented me and I'm at a place where I deserve someone who makes me feel seen and heard, and I'm not tired of begging people um to meet my emotional needs.

Speaker 2:

And the thing with dating apps is it's not that there are shitty people on there I mean there are but with the dating apps it's like you go on this date and the next thing you know like a second date and then it's like, oh so what are we? I don't want that that. I want it to be kind of like in high school, when you meet someone cute and you talk and it takes like a month to go on a date, like I want to get to know someone, without the the pressure of, okay, we've met on a dating app, so are we fucking? Are we dating? Do you want my boyfriend, my girlfriend? I just want to meet someone and we just get to know each other.

Speaker 1:

And I think that's fair. I mean, I think you can still achieve that through the dating apps. I think you just have to be.

Speaker 2:

I've been using the dating app since I was like 20.

Speaker 1:

Well, I mean I've been using them since I was. I mean I met my ex-wife on them. I think I've been using them since I was. I mean I met my ex-wife on them, I think I've been using them since they became a thing, I have a pretty good. I'm pretty disciplined with them.

Speaker 1:

I mean and I meet people in real life too, and I used to be. I used to have anxious attachment too. I'm not anymore. I'm probably more stable, avoidant-ish, but not unhealthy avoidant, just kind of like know where I'm at I'm definitely a little less anxious because, like I'm more into myself.

Speaker 2:

I think also, though like I'm still at a point where I'm still very focused on myself that like I want to wake up when. I want to wake up and do what I want to do and I don't really want to, like, care about someone else's feelings yet it's fine.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I mean, I think it's totally fine, I think it's, I think it's good that you have that awareness. I mean we talked about this, Kayla and I talked about this on the last lounge, about friends, of benefits and situationships and and you know I'm starting to I'm still like where I would be. I'm sort of of the mindset that when I meet the person like it'll, I'll have a little bit more juice to like. Yeah, I want to see where this goes and blah blah blah, but I'm not.

Speaker 1:

I'm not the kind of person that's like let's get a relationship. Where's this going? That's the last question I'd ask, until like unless I'm, unless I'm. We're like months into it and it's I'm dating an avoidant and it's like hey, like what's going on, Like where are we? At, and I think that's all about communication. But but you're at your age too. You deal with more.

Speaker 2:

A lot of people don't, yeah, and they don't know how to do communication, and you know, and communication's not hard, especially, like you know, we don't have to like constantly talk about like what we are, you know, and like I told you about, like you know, how I reconnected with, like my, my ex fling from months ago and you know it was. It was nice in a sense because I did it for myself. It was nice in a sense because I did it for myself, forgiveness and, like you know, the rose tinted glasses were off because we ended because he needed to work on himself, which, you know, some people do. But also sometimes it's a bullshit excuse because he's exactly where he was and you know nothing wrong with that. But the thing is like I want someone who you know. When you say you need to go work on yourself, go work on yourself or start which, like, I spent the time working on myself. But when we were talking about, like you know, being friends and this and that it was all well, what do you want? What do you want? What do you want?

Speaker 2:

And the thing about boundaries is like when you're working on sometimes, yes, you have to set your own boundaries if it's a certain thing. But when we're talking about you know like, okay, so we want to be friends. How do we want to be friends? It's a relationship in its own. It can't just be what I want. If you're not going to, you know, do that. And you're still going to be in the same pattern of how you were before, because we're still in a type of relationship.

Speaker 2:

And so that's when I was just like, you know for like I have no resentment towards him, you know, it's all good If I bump into him again, I'm going to be like, hey, whatever I, I'm just, you know, I joke with my friends. The curse has been broken. And it's only because teenage Allie, teenage Ali, was like, oh, an emo boy who's in a band, how can I get over this? But then, you know, seeing that he is in the same place and not doing anything, and still like being that avoidant attachment style, I was like no, like I'm better than this, I even deserve. Like like I don't even want a friend like an actual friendship. I'm just like, I'm just glad that like I got that like off my chest. Like I don't even want a friend like an actual friendship, I'm just like, I'm just glad that like I got that like off my chest, like I don't even want to deal with that. I don't want inconsistency in any kind of way or people like that.

Speaker 1:

Well, I mean, I think you have to be a little bit. Inconsistency comes of dating.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

The ghosting you know, and you see people, I see people all the time get up in arms about this guy or this girl goes to me and they, what I, what bothers me is, and it's it's, you know, a lot of humans just don't, they don't like hurting people's feelings and the reality is is when you're dating, you're going to get rejected and you're going to have to reject, and some people just can't do it and to me it's like, if you can't just be like hey, I wasn't feeling it, like I wish you the best. Some people are like they use the excuse like well, blah, blah, blah and this, and that's like no just like.

Speaker 1:

You don't have to give, you don't have to tell people they were awesome, you don't know about the law, you don't have to do anything, just be like and then we have to handle that, right. And it's dating is so interesting because it's so wavy, it's lumpy.

Speaker 1:

I'd love to like some computer needs to fucking figure this out sometimes how lumpy it is what it ties back to there's no rhyme or reason to it, like sometimes it must be maybe my energy or something that I'm like I'm found very attractive and then sometimes I think I'm not. And like but yeah, I mean I, I get the whole working on yourself thing. I I appreciate that.

Speaker 1:

I think awareness is huge when you're dating self-control and knowing when when it's good, when it's bad what you're looking for. So I've really, I've really appreciated you sharing your story. We're we're about an hour here, so I want to wrap it up and I think my last question to you I think to wrap this up is I think this is a good one. If you could speak to all the single men out there, what's one piece of advice you would give them about their strategies, or lack thereof, besides coming up behind you and grinding on you with mushrooms, with too many mushrooms?

Speaker 2:

My advice to all the single men out there is, when it comes to making plans for the date, or making plans, put in the effort. Don't say, oh, whatever you want to do, even if you don't, you don't have to make all the plans, but make it interactive. Because when you say, oh, whatever you want to do, or this and that, the turnoff yeah, it's a big turnoff because we want you like we want to meet halfway.

Speaker 2:

We both want, like we want to feel like you're actually interested in doing, to hang out with us and meet up, like meet us for the first time, especially if it's the second plans. Like when you make plans with your friends, you know like hey, let's do this, this and that. Like we want that same energy and then if you have to cancel plans, don't do the last minute, do it earlier oh, I hate when that happens to me.

Speaker 1:

I don't typically give another chance there. When that happens, like the there's this and the excuses too, I wish I would have wrote these down over the last 20 years of dating and like this and that, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, and I and you know the worst part I think about being in that position is you're like you want to give this human the benefit of the doubt, but it's like when it's two hours before, it's like, just say, I don't feel like going on a date right now, which is fine. I don't know how many dates I've gone on where, like I generally wanted to meet the person, but that day something happened or something. And just like because you got to kind of be on right, like when you go and you're going to meet a stranger, it's even the best. Like people like me, I'm a very extroverted person.

Speaker 1:

I've never really met a stranger, but it's not like I don't still get a little bit of like anxiety about meeting a stranger, you know.

Speaker 2:

But also, though, can I say one more thing.

Speaker 1:

Absolutely.

Speaker 2:

Don't ghost, it doesn't hurt any less. Honestly, I'd rather you be like hey, like you can lie. I'd rather you lie or be honest. Be like listen, I made another date with someone I think I would get along with better. You don't have to apologize, don't ghost. Be a man and say hey.

Speaker 1:

I don't want to go on a date.

Speaker 2:

You don't need to say I mean be nice about it, but don't ghost, just man up and say, hey, I don't want to go on a date anymore.

Speaker 1:

Um, whatever you have to say, I think it's okay just to say look, I'm not feeling it, I apologize and I wish you the best. I think that's fine. If somebody wants to be upset about that, then you've done your job.

Speaker 2:

Yes, yeah, don't ghost Unless.

Speaker 1:

It's like 30 minutes before the date. Then you're like you're a dick. Yeah, don't ghost, Unless it's like 30 minutes before the date.

Speaker 2:

Then you're like you're a dick. Yeah, don't ghost. At least say something, even if it's a bullshit excuse, it's better than not ghosting. Or it's better than ghosting and you know what girls you should do the same. Stop ghosting. Own up to it, we should all.

Speaker 2:

It happens a lot with women. We are all humans and we all have feelings, and it's okay if you change your mind about going on a date or if you don't want to see anyone anymore. But you should honestly just think about how you would feel when if someone's ghosted you or if you have been ghosted and you don't have to tell them the full truth, but just have the decency to be like, hey, I don't think this is going to work, or I'm not interested anymore. Or you can be like just yeah, you don't have to be brutal, I'm a little bit upfront. So listen to Joel more than me. But let's stop ghosting and remember that we're all humans.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, just be direct. It's fine. Clear is kind. Well, allie, I really appreciated having you in the lounge. I think this was great To all my listeners out there. You know I can't do this without you, so please engage, please follow me on the socials. I'm on Instagram at owningalone and I'm now on the TikTok at joelpopper and you can always email me your questions, your stories, if you think you would be a good guest on the show at joel, at owningalonepodcastcom, and if you're in the Denver area, find myup group podcast happy hour and sign up, and we do something about every two weeks and, yeah, I want to hear from you. So with that, this Sasquatch is out.

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Joel Poppert

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